I never planned to do this. Then again, I never planned to write on this subject in the first place. My original thoughts were to relay how I was feeling by way of a whole series of music videos that mean a lot to me and effectively described how I felt. Then I discovered that the choice open to me was never-ending. There were so many songs that I could have chosen. Mostly they were particular songs that acted as triggers for my dark periods and I usually tried to avoid them. Then Adele came along and said “Hello”! Another one to add to the list. I also thought that it would be fairly pointless as most people wouldn’t know what I was on about. Plus, of course, it’s hardly writing is it? So I decided to grow a pair and go all out and tell the World how I was feeling and how I had felt for the last 15 years.
So I did.
It was a painful experience for me and in Part 4 I said how the pain has never gone away and that my love for PIL had never wavered. I also said that writing about this ongoing episode in my life hadn’t helped one jot. I think I may have been a bit premature with that particular conclusion. Being premature is something I’m good at! The anguish and pain are still there. The love I feel for PIL hasn’t altered but since writing about my experiences and how I feel, the dark periods in my life seem to have diminished. Bearing in mind that my dark times were a regular occurrence that could descend upon me at any time, sometimes on a daily basis, sometimes for days on end and sometimes for no discernible reason, since writing about them I can honestly say that I have not had one really, really bad time since getting over the emotional trauma of writing about them in the first place. The triggers are still there; the songs on the radio, a couple holding hands, seeing her and all the other little things that could set me off still do but not always and nowhere near as badly as they used to.
I realised this recently when a particular song came on the radio and instead of turning it off, I sang along. It made me think. The prompt to write this particular post came earlier this evening.
When we were an item, we would often sit and watch RomComs on TV or DVD. We would sprawl out on the sofa with a bottle of wine (or two) and watch movies. For some reason, I seem to remember we always ended up naked by the end!
I’ve not watched any of them for donkeys for fear of how I would feel afterwards but tonight I sat and watched As Good As It Gets and do you know what? For the first time in years I sat and watched that movie and enjoyed it for what it actually is: a movie that tells a great story and didn’t find myself tied in knots with my emotions running riot.
So, perhaps writing about this kind of stuff and opening up really is a good idea.
Have a great evening.