Tag Archives: women

Beard up date

 

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The other day I was working at a function in the centre of London. The guests were starting to leave and make their way back down the red carpet. I was talking to a three of the lads in my team making sure all was good when two very very attractive young ladies came out. They were suffering a bit with their high heels and called out to us:

“Can you help us please and walk us to the cab rank?”

Naturally, the three young(ish) chaps I was with rushed to their assistance. I’m of an age where I don’t rush anywhere. The young ladies called out,

“No. Not you. The cool dude with the beard.”6b80cfac9bcc11e2a0c022000a1f918d_7

Ha! The guys were gutted! So, being the gentleman I am, I took their arms and walked them to a nearby cab rank. They were utterly taken with my beard, thought it incredibly cool and very fashionable. They liked beards, they preferred older men, we exchanged numbers. I was in heaven while my colleagues were spitting feathers.spitting feathers

There’s a moral in there somewhere but right now I’m not feeling particularly moral.

Have a great day. I am!

More Dick soon.auto

 

 

 

Sultanas and Raisins

I like women. I’m in love with one. I find women endlessly fascinating but I have never understood them and I probably never will. The way their logic works totally confounds me. The way they can remember something you did or didn’t do or something you did or didn’t say eons in the past will always be my downfall and I suspect that this applies to men all over the world and possibly all over the Universe. After all men always say things they shouldn’t:

“Does my bum look big in this?”

“Er. Now you mention it, yes it does.”

“Are you saying I’ve got a big arse you bastard?” And so on.does_my_um_look_big

Or “You haven’t told me you love me for 4 days, 16 hours, 12 minutes and 38 seconds. Don’t you love me anymore?” Or “16 years ago you said you would paint the fence. Have you?” You all know what I mean.

A while ago, I was driving to work one night when PIL sent me a text. “Where is the big box of kitchen matches?” Even though it was a short text it was very apparent she had the hump about something. I replied, “They’re in the kitchen cupboard where you keep the sultanas.” “No they’re not” came back almost immediately. “That’s the last place I saw them. Are you sure?” “Yes I am. Don’t worry yourself, I’ll go and get another box tomorrow.” Jeeeez, she was ticked off about something.TA09 Kitchen matches-M1

All the time I was at work that evening I thought about this. I was convinced I was right and I started to feel quite pleased with myself. So when I got home in the early hours I checked the cupboard where the sultanas were kept and lo and behold, right at the front was the big box of kitchen matches. Yes! Result. I checked it wasn’t a new box just in case. It wasn’t.

The next morning the first thing I did when I got up was say to PIL, “Come with me.” PIL followed me out to the kitchen and with a flourish and a fanfare from the trumpeters I just happened to have in my pocket, I flung open the cupboard door and said, “Tadaa! Matches. Sultana cupboard.”She glanced at the cupboard, fixed me with a steely gaze that started to turn me into a pillar of stone and said,”They’re raisins. The sultanas are in that other cupboard.” Then she flounced out again leaving me standing there with my chin on the floor and totally speechless.med09L

Like I’ve said before, women are an alien species and they will always have an answer to everything. Don’t even think about getting into an argument with them because you will never win. You have been warned.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto