Tag Archives: vampires

Life and Death

In my last post I had a bit of a rant about certain slimy creatures and PIL was a bit put out by the effing and blinding that took place. This post however, I’m sure will be a lot more sedate. Talking of swearing and cursing reminds me of my mate Bunsen.¬†For many years Bunsen was a “chock head” in the British Army.

My mate Bunsen. He looks EXACTLY like this

My mate Bunsen. He looks EXACTLY like this

A chock head is what the rest of the army call the Royal Engineers for a very good reason I’m sure. Anyway, Bunsen finished his career in the army as a senior NCO. He is the only man in the history of the British Army to be reprimanded for the “continuous and persistent use of foul and abusive language towards the sappers under his command.” He is also the only man I know to have mislaid a bridge. I would love to have a been a fly on the wall for that conversation!

This is not the subject I intended writing about.

My working week is a bit odd. I start on a Sunday usually and work until Wednesday some weeks and Thursday on others. Sometimes I’m working away from home for days on end. When I’m home though I think most of the lovely people who read my meanderings know that I like to take Dexter out for a nice long stroll in the boonies and have good look around and a poke about in the undergrowth. You have to be careful what you poke though. I once accidentally poked a wasp’s nest.swarmingwasps_0508_445x260

Big mistake! I ran off screaming like a girl but I didn’t get stung which I think is testament to the speed at which I departed the area. Warp factor 10 and a bit!runningbees

Yesterday, we were just strolling along the edge of a field. It was a gloriously sunny day and it was as peaceful as you could wish for. The crops were starting to sprout, some were already in flower, bluebells were springing up all over the wooded areas and hedgerows. The wild garlic was flowering and stopping vampires from pestering me. It was a truly beautiful day. Then rising out of the trees in a display of the most graceful flying I have ever seen were two large birds of prey. The way they swooped and circled each other made me think they were showing off to one another which in turn, made me think that perhaps they were a mating pair and that they had been on the nest so to speak when Dexter and I came along. They moved higher and further along as we walked along and it made me think and hope that maybe in a little while there will be three or four of them swooping about overhead. I certainly hope so. I’m no ornithologist but I think they were buzzards.buzzard1

A twitcher would know what they were immediately although what Tourettes has to do with bird watching is beyond me. I really do hope that they do breed and there will be a few more beautiful birds gracing the air. As a matter of principle Dexter and I will avoid that area for a week or two so as not to disturb them.

A bit further along and a little while later, a movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention. Lots of spiders are now out and about spinning their webs, catching their prey and scoffing it. What I had seen was a fly caught in a web by one of its legs and struggling to escape. The owner of the web had shot out of its lair and was struggling to subdue the fly.5151 Garden Spiderxx

Now despite all the space, right next to this web was another one and in its struggle to subdue the fly, spider 1 must of touched the other web because a slightly larger version of spider1 came rushing out, bit spider 1 and killed it! Nice way to treat a member of your own species I thought. Spiders aren’t that much different to humans after all. While spider 2 was dragging the body of spider 1 back to its hidey hole it, in turn, must have touched another web because a big, black spider suddenly appeared on the scene, bit spider 2 which dropped the carcass of spider 1 and the big bugger dragged spidey 2 back to its dining room for lunch!spider1

Wow! You don’t get to see that every day. I know I keep banging on endlessly about this but today I saw what I hope will lead to new life. I also saw death and nature at its most savage albeit on a small scale and the reason I saw these things, as well as all the other wonderful stuff is because I was looking around admiring the beautiful things our world has to offer us and taking notice of it. To my mind, walking around paying attention is probably the best way to unwind, relax and to realise just how lucky we are. I know I am fortunate to live in the countryside where it’s easy to do this but even in urban areas it’s easily done if you make a little effort.20140617_135825

The fly? It escaped.

I asked PIL to check through this post for me to pick up on any errors. She was extremely pleased there has been no swearing today. Phew. I might get lucky later.

 

 

Have a fucking great day!

More Dick soon.auto

 

We Just Looked

 

I had started to think that the other dog walkers considered me a bit of a weirdo. “Oh no! It’s that boring old fart who talks to the trees! I’ll pretend to be on my phone. He’ll get bored and go away.”10154113_623459451077541_1328958650979066160_n

Thinking about it, that’s probably exactly what they think but today I met a soul mate. She had a dog, she was out walkies but she didn’t have a phone. She had BINOCULARS! We had a conversation. She was called Amelia, her chocolate-brown labrador was called Willy (as in Wonka), she had only just moved to the area, she ran her own successful business from home. She was posh and very plummy. She took a break to take her dog for a walk every day and never took her phone with her. When I asked about that she replied, “Oh do fuck orf! My staff can manage without me for a couple of hours.” I liked her. We saw stuff, we shared her binoculars. We saw a Wren poking about in a tree, we saw and heard a Woodpecker doing that headbanger thing that Woodpeckers do. We concluded Woodpeckers have a Slipknot album playing on a continuous loop in their heads.

A heavy metal fan

A heavy metal fan

We saw Jays, Magpies, Blackbirds, Thrushes, Pheasants, pesky wabbits and a tiddly little mouse. We found Badger setts and pesky wabbit holes. There were countless seagulls circling overhead searching for freshly washed cars to crap on. Why is it that little birds never crap on your clean car? It’s always birds with cow-like arseholes.fly-dumbo-fly

Anyway, we saw dozens of clumps of wild primroses in flower and a copse full of wild garlic springing to life. The two photos below are ones that I took earlier today.20150312_113522

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Wild garlic growing nearby. The leaves are great to eat. Helps to avoid getting bruised necks too

I like garlic. I eat it to keep vampires away. It seems to work because I’ve never been attacked by a vampire let alone met one since I started to eat it. Mind you, I suspect that a girl I knew when I was a teenager might have been one because she was always attacking my neck. I think her fangs must have been blunt as she never drew blood but by Christ did she bruise my neck! My mum, when she spotted the bruises said I should be very careful as I might make her pregnant! That’s one of the things I loved about my mum. She was a fountain of wisdom and she was the holder of all knowledge in the known Universe. Until then I had never known how female vampires got pregnant. I thought baby vampires were found under a gooseberry bush like everyone else. Now I do know. They take a lump out of your throat and Bish Bash Bosh, nine months later you’re father to a baby vampire. Breast feeding that little sucker must be a nightmare! Be warned.vampire-roman

I digress.

So there you go. At least two people on this planet know that it won’t end if you don’t carry your phone everywhere with you. Three if you count my sister Boo but she doesn’t carry a phone with her anyway in case she falls over again and breaks it. You could also include PIL. She does carry a phone with her at all times but it’s at the bottom of her bag where she can’t hear or find it!

Try it. Go out for a stroll and look around. Leave your phone behind. I promise you the world will not end. Your company won’t go bust. Your wife/husband/whatever will not leave you. If, by some fluke, any of these things do happen though, don’t blame me. I’m just a lunatic who talks to the trees!

Have a fantastic day.

More Dick soon.

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