Tag Archives: spiders

Another One Bites The Dust Goddamn It.

gardener

Christ on a bike!

JesusChristOnABicycleArt

This farming malarkey is hard work and I’m only dealing with a few animals and crops. Having said that I am enjoying myself. I’ve learnt some Welsh words like “Look you”, “Isn’t it”, “Boyo” and “Tidy”. I’ve learnt not to try and get an egg when a hen is sitting on it as they have sharp beaks and are prepared to use them.chicken on eggs

Avoid John the neighbour who is a Brummie and can talk the hind leg off a donkey and judging by the number of three-legged donkeys around here, frequently does. I’ve realised that dogs can’t count as no matter how many balls you throw for Chalky, he always thinks there’s three. The pillock.20150908_123342

Birds are stupid and the bloody spiders here are gigantic. Last night I HEARD one walking across the floor! I had to open both French doors to usher the bugger out. There was no point trying to kill the blighter as I didn’t have access to any weapons big enough. A cannon may have been enough but the collateral damage wouldn’t have gone down well with Boo when she gets back.

This is what the Pest Control companies around here use to kill spiders. A bit extreme but so are the spiders!

This is what the Pest Control companies around here use to kill spiders. A bit extreme but so are the spiders!

Shortly after shooing the spider out last night I was startled by a “Tap, tap, tap, flutter, flutter” noise.

“What the bloody hell now?” I thought. “A fucking dragon?”

I looked around but couldn’t see anything so I concluded it was likely to be a branch tapping on the window. Then I heard it again. Strange. I still couldn’t see what was causing the noise, mostly because I was too lazy to get off my fat arse and take a proper look.obese_2074995b

It was quiet for a while then I heard it again. This time I also saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Inside the log burner in the lounge was a bird! It must have fallen down the chimney and couldn’t get back out. See what I mean? Birds are stupid. It was only a sparrow but it made me think two things (I’m clever like that). First I thought how polite it was for a wild animal to be knocking on the log burners door for permission to come out. Secondly, and more importantly, how the fuck was I going to get a soot and ash covered wild bird out of there without getting aforementioned soot, ash and feathers all over Boos house? So I gathered up numerous towels, an old sheet and covered the door of the burner. I opened the burner door and the blighter flew out from under all the towels and sheet and flew around the whole of the ground floor trailing soot, ash and feathers everywhere.

“Should’ve shut all the the doors.” I thought belatedly.

Finally, after much pursuing of the tiny sparrow and after tripping over Chalky, who was also in hot pursuit, I managed to get the bird by the front door and let it out. I looked back in disbelief. The whole of the downstairs was like a war zone. There were feathers, soot, ash and bird shit everywhere!

“Jesus bloody Christ!” I thought. “How could such a small animal leave such a trail of destruction?”messy-house

Many hours later, after much use of vacuum cleaners, furniture polish, dusters, old rags filled with earwigs and much cursing the house resembled something vaguely habitable. I went to bed!

I woke up this morning and staggered downstairs for my first brew of the day. I fed Chalky and as I went to feed the goldfish, discovered one was missing. Well, it wasn’t exactly missing, it just wasn’t where I expected it to be. It was belly up at the top of the tank!dead-goldfish Bugger me! Another critter bites the dust!

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

 

Life and Death

In my last post I had a bit of a rant about certain slimy creatures and PIL was a bit put out by the effing and blinding that took place. This post however, I’m sure will be a lot more sedate. Talking of swearing and cursing reminds me of my mate Bunsen.¬†For many years Bunsen was a “chock head” in the British Army.

My mate Bunsen. He looks EXACTLY like this

My mate Bunsen. He looks EXACTLY like this

A chock head is what the rest of the army call the Royal Engineers for a very good reason I’m sure. Anyway, Bunsen finished his career in the army as a senior NCO. He is the only man in the history of the British Army to be reprimanded for the “continuous and persistent use of foul and abusive language towards the sappers under his command.” He is also the only man I know to have mislaid a bridge. I would love to have a been a fly on the wall for that conversation!

This is not the subject I intended writing about.

My working week is a bit odd. I start on a Sunday usually and work until Wednesday some weeks and Thursday on others. Sometimes I’m working away from home for days on end. When I’m home though I think most of the lovely people who read my meanderings know that I like to take Dexter out for a nice long stroll in the boonies and have good look around and a poke about in the undergrowth. You have to be careful what you poke though. I once accidentally poked a wasp’s nest.swarmingwasps_0508_445x260

Big mistake! I ran off screaming like a girl but I didn’t get stung which I think is testament to the speed at which I departed the area. Warp factor 10 and a bit!runningbees

Yesterday, we were just strolling along the edge of a field. It was a gloriously sunny day and it was as peaceful as you could wish for. The crops were starting to sprout, some were already in flower, bluebells were springing up all over the wooded areas and hedgerows. The wild garlic was flowering and stopping vampires from pestering me. It was a truly beautiful day. Then rising out of the trees in a display of the most graceful flying I have ever seen were two large birds of prey. The way they swooped and circled each other made me think they were showing off to one another which in turn, made me think that perhaps they were a mating pair and that they had been on the nest so to speak when Dexter and I came along. They moved higher and further along as we walked along and it made me think and hope that maybe in a little while there will be three or four of them swooping about overhead. I certainly hope so. I’m no ornithologist but I think they were buzzards.buzzard1

A twitcher would know what they were immediately although what Tourettes has to do with bird watching is beyond me. I really do hope that they do breed and there will be a few more beautiful birds gracing the air. As a matter of principle Dexter and I will avoid that area for a week or two so as not to disturb them.

A bit further along and a little while later, a movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention. Lots of spiders are now out and about spinning their webs, catching their prey and scoffing it. What I had seen was a fly caught in a web by one of its legs and struggling to escape. The owner of the web had shot out of its lair and was struggling to subdue the fly.5151 Garden Spiderxx

Now despite all the space, right next to this web was another one and in its struggle to subdue the fly, spider 1 must of touched the other web because a slightly larger version of spider1 came rushing out, bit spider 1 and killed it! Nice way to treat a member of your own species I thought. Spiders aren’t that much different to humans after all. While spider 2 was dragging the body of spider 1 back to its hidey hole it, in turn, must have touched another web because a big, black spider suddenly appeared on the scene, bit spider 2 which dropped the carcass of spider 1 and the big bugger dragged spidey 2 back to its dining room for lunch!spider1

Wow! You don’t get to see that every day. I know I keep banging on endlessly about this but today I saw what I hope will lead to new life. I also saw death and nature at its most savage albeit on a small scale and the reason I saw these things, as well as all the other wonderful stuff is because I was looking around admiring the beautiful things our world has to offer us and taking notice of it. To my mind, walking around paying attention is probably the best way to unwind, relax and to realise just how lucky we are. I know I am fortunate to live in the countryside where it’s easy to do this but even in urban areas it’s easily done if you make a little effort.20140617_135825

The fly? It escaped.

I asked PIL to check through this post for me to pick up on any errors. She was extremely pleased there has been no swearing today. Phew. I might get lucky later.

 

 

Have a fucking great day!

More Dick soon.auto