Tag Archives: silly

Research

In an earlier post I mentioned that I was considering a career change, a decision driven by the success of my beard.

Should I become a Viking Berserker?vikings-16554

A pirate?blackbeard__1221832913_1868

A biker?biker_10

Or become my own wildlife sanctuary?6a00e552722125883300e55395a6718834-800wi

A decision of this magnitude requires research. So I started to delve into the sort of stuff I’d need to do to start one or other of the new careers.

Being a Viking is out of the question. I’m Anglo-Saxon  for a start which doesn’t help. Also, Vikings are really into long sea voyages on tiddly little boats that while they’re called “Long Ships” are nothing more than elongated rowing boats. Too bloody dangerous! Nor do I fancy having to be a ginger. Raping and pillaging is not really my cup of tea either although recent studies seem to indicate that the Viking wives came along to make sure their husbands behaved. Some things never change!

The same applies to being a pirate although they bob about on the sea in slightly bigger boats. That’s not the main drawback though. I don’t fancy having a bloody parrot crapping all over my shoulder, an eye patch wouldn’t suit me and I’m certainly not going to have a wooden peg leg.

Being a biker involves the ability to ride a motor cycle. Something I have no inclination to do. Fine during the summer I suppose but too wet and windy at any other time of year and I’m very fond of my creature comforts.

Which brings me nicely to becoming my own wildlife sanctuary specialising in beaver. Now this is a career that has promise but during the course of my research I discovered something that explained one or two things to me as well as causing me some concern.

Until 2009, when a small number were re-introduced on a trial basis, beaver had been extinct in Scotland for over 300 years! Fuck me, 300 years without beaver! What a disaster that must be but at least now I understand why so many Scottish men wear a skirt with a furry thing hanging down the front.  (National costume my arse!)

Hardly surprising given that there has been no beaver in Scotland for 300 years!

Hardly surprising given that there has been no beaver in Scotland for 300 years!

It also explains why so many Scots spend so much time “tossing the caber” which I think is just a euphemism for having a wank using a telegraph pole.

A display of a 300 year old Scottish "Please enter" gesture

A display of a 300 year old traditional Scottish “Please enter” gesture

I believe it’s the reason why from 1759 to 1959, 1,000,000 Scots emigrated to Canada where there are now 4,714,970 Scottish Canadians making up 15.1% of the population.

“Hoots mon the sassenachs ha’ nicked all oor beaver. Gi’ yersel’ off ta Canada. Plenty o’ beaver there bonnie lad. Och aye the noo. Plenty o’ haggis as well mon. Gi’ ya ye hid an’ ye han’s ta play wi’. Ye canna eat deep-fried Mars bars but tha’s nay a problem if ye’re chasin’ the wee beaver all over the forests.”

Now that may cause me a bit of a problem if I want to specialise in a beaver sanctuary as I don’t want to be inundated with randy Scots so it looks like I’ll have to think about something else. In the meantime, I’ll keep quiet about Clit.

PIL has just read through this post and she has made a very sound suggestion that I think makes sense. She says I shouldn’t go to Scotland any time soon! Good idea.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

 

My thanks to the intertube all around the world web thingy where I found all the photos using Sergei & Larry’s’ search wotsname. If I have infringed any copyright issues please let me know.

Beard Update

Like most other days when I’m working, I pop into Starbucks round the corner from where I work to grab a coffee before I start. The staff know me quite well. I walk in and pay, my coffee is ready. Venti latte, extra hot, wet, house bean, to go. Lovely. The other day I walked in and one of the girls working there said to me, “Hello Father Christmas. How’s Rudolph?” I replied I was going to Costas next door from now on. We both laughed. I didn’t go to Costas though. I prefer Starbucks.  So now you know.father-christmas-444794775

Apparently, I look like Father Christmas and I have decided therefore to call my beard Nick. Having said that, some of my so-called friends who, as you may be aware, are massive piss takers, have decided I look uncannily like some other old geezer and a photo is now doing the rounds.IMG-20150302-WA0001

I had to trim it up the other day as it was looking a bit unkempt but it’s starting to look like a proper beard so much so that I’m considering a career change. Should I become a Viking Berserker? Probably not. Most Vikings were gingers and I can’t be dealing with that. Don’t like the headgear either.

gaming-war-of-the-vikings

Perhaps a pirate? Don’t think so. Most images of pirates these days are of that Depp bloke as Cap’n Jack Sparra and that’s not me.Become a pirate

A biker? Can’t ride a motorbike so that’s out of the question.

Tattoo_biker

Love the beard. That’s what I’m heading for. Same amount of hair on our heads too

 

Father Christmas? The works too seasonal for me so that’s a no too. Papa Smurf then? I may be a Chelsea supporter but I’m not actually blue so that’s out.

A wildlife sanctuary? Well, I’m doing that already but is there any money in it? Certainly worth considering though.beaver

A career change now is a big decision at my age so I’m going to take some time out and seriously think about what I should do in future. I will keep you posted on the beard and on any decision on a career change. watch this space.

 

The beaver? It’s a regular visitor to my beard now. It gets quite moist. It comes. It goes. I’m looking forward to it coming again very soon. PIL has decided to name it. She calls it Clit EatsWood. Who am I to argue? It’s her beaver.ShaveBeaverCartoon

Have a great day.

More Dick soonauto

Friends

No. Not the TV series. Mates, chums, pals, buddies, colleagues. Call them what you will but people whose company you enjoy. My mates are important to me and I thought I would write about them and share stories and anecdotes with you.  I don’t know why some people become friends while others do not. I’ve never really thought about it. My friends are great bunch of people and over the coming weeks and months I will tell tales about some of them. All my mates have nick names that are used on a daily basis. Some, like Bunsen, Beaker, BUFF, Carl and Manny all look like well known characters or things. Some, like Banzai and Betty are, as you will discover, aptly named. Banzai isn’t Japanese and Betty is a bloke. To a great extent the use of nick names demonstrates what a bunch of juveniles we are.

They are a diverse bunch of people but they all have similar traits. Without exception they are cheerful and positive in their outlook towards life. They KNOW there is a silver lining to every cloud and they invariably find it. They see humour everywhere and are merciless piss takers. Although we are all civilians now, three of my buddies served in the British Armed Forces, my bestest best mate is a builder, a high diving coach and fluent in sign language. Another is a hairdresser, while another is a computer whizzkid with a Masters in Management Information Systems. One of my best friends died at the end of 2013 but I will include Waldorf or “H” in the stories. I hope you enjoy them.

My mate "H"  a.k.a "Waldorf"

My mate “H” a.k.a “Waldorf”

While I was searching for images to use in these stories I came across one that stirred some vague memories. It involved me, BUFF and “H”. We’d had a few beers and were enjoying some fat Cuban cigars BUFF had brought back from his recent holiday in Cuba. We were wankered and sitting in BUFFs hot tub drinking and puffing away. Poor old “H”, due to the combination of beer, cigars and the heat suddenly threw up in the hot tub and we all had to bail out pretty quick. Glad I didn’t have to clear that lot up! Anyway, just before we lapsed into a coma, we had a strange conversation. I don’t think it was the same as the one I’ve shown below but it was similar and the memory of it made me laugh. I hope you enjoy it too.304451_276930349084349_1837762705_n

 

My nickname? As you will find out in later posts about other things, it seems to be changing but for many years I have been called “G”. I have absolutely no idea why. Perhaps it’s because my mates thought I was always on the “spot”!

Have a great day

More Dick soonauto

Shades 2

I must admit I was a tad disappointed. A little while ago I published a post about ridiculous people wearing sunglasses at night or indoors who thought they looked cool doing so. In my opinion they look stupid but as with so many things there are always exceptions. I said there were only five people on the planet who looked cool wearing sunglasses at night and they are:

1. Ray Charles.

Ray-Charles-c-Norman-Seeff-3-1985

2. Jack Nicholson.

Jack-Nicholson-jack-nicholson-32101405-640-481

3. Neil Young. (I think he’s singing a song called “Who farted?”

0912nyoung1

4. Now I have a beard – me!

20150302_112153

That’s only four and no one mentioned it! Perhaps the image I used of our good mate Arnie (Get to da chopper) Schwarzenegger confused the issue because he was wearing shades. Nope. It’s not him.

Here’s five more that it’s not.

1. Snoop Pig.Snoop Dogg-pics

2. Bonio from U2.bono5

3. Russell Brand.Russell Brand

4. Tom Cruise.Style-catchup-Tom-Cruise-Body

5. Justin Bibwearerjustin-bieber-new-song-broken

I did consider encouraging everyone to nominate who they thought it was but knowing my luck no one would respond and I’d look even more of an idiot than normal. However, if you disagree with my selection, feel free to nominate your own shades at night wearing dipsticks.

For the record, the fifth person on my list is………………………

 

Summer-spongebob-squarepants-12782425-1280-1024

I hope you have a great day.

More Dick soonauto