The average human being is a pretty incredible creature. Apparently, we consist of some 100 trillion cells (what anorak sat and counted?), we can distinguish tens of thousands of scents, a million colours and store 1000 terabytes of memories. Apart from teeth, we repair and regenerate the cells in our bodies so that every ten years we are physically a new person. Not bad for a species that is 70% water and shares 50% of its DNA with bananas, 60% with chickens, 84% with dogs and 96% with chimps. It is those minuscule differences that make us what we are. I read somewhere that if the human genome was written down, it would fill nearly 300,000 pages and only the last couple of hundred would contain the parts that make us the individuals we are. Unless you come from Kentucky where everyone has the same DNA.
We have evolved as bipeds and for humans to be able to walk upright, we do not have opposable big toes. This in turn means that our feet are arched and this enables us to walk the way we do. We continue to evolve and toes are as good a place to talk about as any. As a rule, each human has 5 toes on each foot. The big toe and the next 3 along do whatever they do, but the human little toe is evolving faster than they are. It is becoming increasingly sensitive to the extent that it has now developed into a sensor of hard objects in low light environments. It finds these hard objects by hitting them and then informs you that it has found the armchair/bed leg/door frame by sending a wave of excruciating pain to your brain. Forget child birth. Forget kidney stones. Forget a kick in the ‘nads. This fuckin’ hurts! So much so that it is impossible for the human who has recently rediscovered the whereabouts of the door frame that’s been in the same place for centuries, to swear. Instead, all that can be managed is;
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah (all very quietly because it’s 3 o’clock in the bloody morning and you don’t want to wake everyone up) ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah (until eventually) ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuck it! You manage to swear.
How do I know this? I know this because last night, at 3 o’clock in the bloody morning, I discovered where the door frame to the toilet is courtesy of that wonderful appendage, my little toe.
Have a wonderful day.
More Dick soon.
With apologies to the inhabitants of Kentucky who, I am sure, are very nice people all with their own unique DNA but I couldn’t find a picture for Louisiana.
Posted in Humour
Tagged bananas, chickens, child birth, chimps, DNA, dogs, evolution, Humans, kidney stones, swearing, toes
At the end of my last post, which by one of those quirky coincidences that I like, also happened to be my first post, I gave out some free medical advise regarding kidney stones. I really did mean what I said. Don’t get them because they truly hurt. Muggins me has had the blighters twice now. The first time was probably over a decade ago when I was staying at my sisters. The pain I suffered then has faded into the depths of my somewhat erratic memory but I did have to spend a night in hospital while the medics decided whether to zap them with a laser or just let them pass naturally. In the end they decided to go of their own accord and the following day I felt as right as nine pence. The second episode though was far more recent and the pain I suffered is still seared in my memory. As I’d suffered before I knew what was coming when I started to feel an ache in my right kidney so I gave PIL a heads up. Shortly afterwards I was doubled up in pain and said to PIL something along the lines of “Gosh! This feels jolly painful. It might be an idea to go to the hospital”. The pain I was in is easy to describe if you’re a bloke. Its like being stabbed in the kidney at the same time as being kicked in the balls. If you’re a woman, I imagine its like giving birth to a bowling ball. Fuck me it hurts. However, by the time we got to hospital the pain had gone. That’s the problem with the little toerags. They move a nanomillimeter and the pain goes so you end up in A&E feeling a complete fraud. The nurses know better though because they know that little bastard was going to move again! So, I was admitted into the A&E section while being told that I should have gone to the other local hospital because they specialised in this stuff but hey ho not to worry we’ll sort you here first. One of things they did was send me for a scan. Turns out the culprit measured 6mm! Nearly a quarter-inch! It felt like half a mountain though. Now I know how a valley feels when its being gouged out by a glacier. The ache returned so I was given morphine. 9 units of the stuff although I couldn’t tell you how much that actually was but I guess it was quite a lot. Then Wham! It moved and despite the drugs the pain was unfuckingbelievable! It was so bad I started to throw up. “O dear” said the nurse passing me cardboard puke bowl. “On a scale of one to ten with ten being the worse and nine being the pain of child-birth, where do you score?”. “What? What?” I remember thinking. “You’re having a giraffe here”. I looked at her in disbelief. Don’t get me wrong, the care I received was brilliant and the nurses superb but what kind of question was that to ask a bloke in excruciating pain? I said something along the lines of “I dunno cos the only time I’ve played an active part in child-birth was when I was born but this feels like seventeen and a half.” At least she laughed! The hospital I was in decided to transfer me to the other hospital but all the ambulances were busy. So with puke bowl in hand I got into PILs car and she drove me there. Once again I spent a night on a hospital ward and was discharged the next day when the Docs decided to let nature take its course which it duly did. The thing is being in agony is so exhausting. I ended up taking 4 days off work that as a self-employed person I could ill afford. I was lucky though. A woman of my acquaintance suffered the same thing shortly after my episode and she got a urinary infection causing her to be off work for ages. How do you stop from getting them? No idea. I have no medical training so really couldn’t say however I was advised to drink lots of water by the quacks. So if there’s any advise I can give it would be to drink gallons of water every day and try to keep them afloat. Avoid getting them at all costs.
Doctor Dicks next piece of medical advise now follows:
Don’t get them
They can turn you into a dead body!
Well that was fun. Hope you enjoyed reading about my discomfort. Hopefully you’ll be back for more. It won’t be a long wait
Thanks once again for your time