Tag Archives: friends

In The dog House. Again!

Ed, Greg and I are in the dog house with PIL. She’s not happy.

On Easter Sunday the two ‘boys’ went off to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea play Tottenham Hotspur. I couldn’t go as I was working and staying in London. They kind of wish they hadn’t now and not just because Chelsea lost. They met up with some guys that Ed had met when he went to Barcelona to watch Chelseas Champions League match (We lost that game too!) They all had a few beers before the game, a few more at half time and then went to a local pub with Eds new best friends for a few more beers. Then it was time to leave and get the train home. Late. On Easter Sunday. Essential maintenance on the whole rail network. They contacted PIL to arrange a pick up from the local station. PIL not amused.

“Get a cab home from the station” she told them.

PIL went to bed!

They contacted her again. Trains stopping at Ashford and going no further. A 20 minute drive away. Can she please pick them up from there? Even I heard the sigh as she agreed to pick them up from Ashford International Station.

“What time does it get in?”

“ERRRR. 23.50”

PIL duly arrived. Tired and ticked off. Train was late arriving.

They drove home in silence but quite quickly.

Moving onto Tuesday.

Ed going to be late home from work which has been manic for the last couple of weeks. I went to pick him up from the local station. PIL went to bed as she had an early start in the morning.

Ed hadn’t eaten so I said I’d knock something up quickly while he watched the highlights of Real Madrid vs Juventus, another Champions League match.

I chucked a couple of bangers and some oven chips in the oven. Joined Ed with a couple of beers for us to enjoy while the game was on. Forgot about his dinner. Rushed out to the kitchen when I remembered hoping it wasn’t burnt. Opened the oven door and 2.73 seconds later the smoke alarm went off!!! Our smoke alarm is VERY LOUD and there’s a repeater upstairs. I, somewhat ineffectually, waved a tea towel at the alarm while Ed came out with a cushion and waved that about for a while. The alarm also set the dog off! Bloody mayhem. Ed grinned at me and said,

“Now you’re in trouble with Mum!”

And I was. I apologised the next day and PIL said;

“For what? There’s a list.”

It’s now Thursday and that couple of sentences along with a huge number of sighs has been the extent of our conversation. I’m enjoying the peace and quiet!

Oh. Plus a comment about leaving the toilet seat up.

Have a brilliant day.

 

More Dick soon.

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Friends

No. Not the TV series. Mates, chums, pals, buddies, colleagues. Call them what you will but people whose company you enjoy. My mates are important to me and I thought I would write about them and share stories and anecdotes with you.  I don’t know why some people become friends while others do not. I’ve never really thought about it. My friends are great bunch of people and over the coming weeks and months I will tell tales about some of them. All my mates have nick names that are used on a daily basis. Some, like Bunsen, Beaker, BUFF, Carl and Manny all look like well known characters or things. Some, like Banzai and Betty are, as you will discover, aptly named. Banzai isn’t Japanese and Betty is a bloke. To a great extent the use of nick names demonstrates what a bunch of juveniles we are.

They are a diverse bunch of people but they all have similar traits. Without exception they are cheerful and positive in their outlook towards life. They KNOW there is a silver lining to every cloud and they invariably find it. They see humour everywhere and are merciless piss takers. Although we are all civilians now, three of my buddies served in the British Armed Forces, my bestest best mate is a builder, a high diving coach and fluent in sign language. Another is a hairdresser, while another is a computer whizzkid with a Masters in Management Information Systems. One of my best friends died at the end of 2013 but I will include Waldorf or “H” in the stories. I hope you enjoy them.

My mate "H"  a.k.a "Waldorf"

My mate “H” a.k.a “Waldorf”

While I was searching for images to use in these stories I came across one that stirred some vague memories. It involved me, BUFF and “H”. We’d had a few beers and were enjoying some fat Cuban cigars BUFF had brought back from his recent holiday in Cuba. We were wankered and sitting in BUFFs hot tub drinking and puffing away. Poor old “H”, due to the combination of beer, cigars and the heat suddenly threw up in the hot tub and we all had to bail out pretty quick. Glad I didn’t have to clear that lot up! Anyway, just before we lapsed into a coma, we had a strange conversation. I don’t think it was the same as the one I’ve shown below but it was similar and the memory of it made me laugh. I hope you enjoy it too.304451_276930349084349_1837762705_n

 

My nickname? As you will find out in later posts about other things, it seems to be changing but for many years I have been called “G”. I have absolutely no idea why. Perhaps it’s because my mates thought I was always on the “spot”!

Have a great day

More Dick soonauto

Are women aliens?

Of course they are! I intend dishing the dirt on their secret and hoping all along that they haven’t got some death ray thing that they’ll zap me with before I get this published.

This has been a topic of conversation between men for decades and one that me and my mates often talk about down the pub or in the car on the way to work. My mates and I tend to be sensible chaps. Some, like me, are divorced, some are married and others are single. We often disagree about extremely important stuff like football but we all agree that women are very definitely from a different planet. How else can they do the stuff they do? I’m going to be naming names and giving examples and by the end I’m sure you will agree with me. 

First up. Helen Parr. a.k.a Mrs Incredible, a.k.a.Elastigirl. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know she’s a cartoon character but bear with me here. She is based on true life examples. Look at the size of her arse. A UK size 18 I’d guess and I’ll bet those pants of hers are a size 12!

incredibles_19

All woman can do this stuff. For example, officially they are a size 14 but they will never admit to this so all their clothes are at least a size smaller and they get into them by using their alien superpowers, stretching their bodies in such a way that after a little tugging here and there the clothes fit. Every man has witnessed women doing this. The invention of lycra has meant that some women have started to lose this ability to stretch and fit so they tend to bulge a bit (or a lot) but how many times have you seen your wife or girlfriend wriggling around on the bed pulling on a pair of skinny jeans you swear they won’t fit into and ten seconds later, they’re in and looking fantastic? And a lot taller than you remember. If a bloke tries this he immediately looks ridiculous, like a combination muffin and BeeGee, the seat of his trousers split, the fly bursts and buttons whizz off his shirt. I tell you it’s because women are aliens.

Second example.

mary-poppinsMary Poppins. Or, more precisely, her bag. How many times have you thought to yourself (if you’re a bloke), why does a woman need such a big bag? Have you ever looked inside? Of course not. You’re too scared at what you might find. How many times has the woman in your life asked if you’ve seen her keys/phone/glasses/basically everything and you have replied,

“Have you looked in your bag o sweetness?”

And got the response:

“Of course I have you plank”

Plank

How women view men

Minutes later she announces that she has found her keys/phone/glasses/basically everything and where were they? In her bag! Along with all the other stuff she carries around. Look at the stuff Mary Poppins takes out of her bag and that’s only a small percentage of it. I bet there are three-piece suites, dining tables with six dining chairs plus two carvers, a sideboard, a chest of drawers, a four-poster bed (more romantic than a normal bed), a washing machine and a fridge freezer to name but a few extra items in every womans bag. But of course you dare not look. Only women have bags like the Tardis and with all that stuff inside they must also have superhuman strength to be able to lug it around. See what I mean? Aliens.

My third example is:

Miss Price in Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Bedknobs-and-Broomsticks-bedknobs-and-broomsticks-30970416-450-440

Not many people know this but this movie is based on a true life story whereby a witch (Miss Price) saves Great Britain during World War2. To avert disaster for  the Brits against the Nazis, Miss Price had to reveal her supernatural (and alien) powers to overcome the bad guys. It’s been a closely guarded secret ever since. Only careful research and analysis of secrets released from national archives show the truth of the matter. Women are aliens. The British government knows this and has been covering it up for years.

 

My final piece of hard evidence that women  are aliens is PIL. A few years ago, late one night, I sat with my eldest boy Ed and watched Hot Fuzz, the movie with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. PIL decided to go to bed so up she went closing the lounge door behind her. We had the volume turned down low so as not to disturb the others. The movie got to the scene where the two main characters were getting drunk in the pub and Nick Frosts character used an extremely rude word in the scene. I turned to Ed and said very, very quietly,

“Lucky mum wasn’t here to hear that cos she’ll send you up to bed.”

Twelve seconds later the lounge door opened and a voice said,

“Lucky I didn’t hear what?”

Mum-dexters-laboratory-13130867-445-1080

PIL

It was PIL! How on earth had she heard me say that? My voice was so low an owl wouldn’t have heard, there were at least two closed doors between where we were and where she was and yet she still heard. Super human hearing is the only answer. I’m in love with a blinking alien!

Further evidence can be deduced from the fact that according to some,a list of the ten most INFLUENTIAL people will include at least five women:

Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Angela Merkel, Condoleezza Rice and Bill Gates.

Bill Gates?

Look at the photo!
Bill-Gates

Bill is a girl and as she’s married to a girl, she must also be a lesbian. See what I mean, women have got us blokes fooled. Only aliens can do that.

There is only one conclusion that can be drawn from all this. A bunch of blokes sitting around drinking beer talk a load of bollocks!

Happy New Year. Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings

More Dick soonauto

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