It has to be said that I’m the sort of bloke who considers a working lunch should consist of a piece of meat wrapped up in bread. PIL has known this for years. So what has been in my lunch box this week? Bananas! A bunch of bananas! So now she thinks I’m a chimp! I remain extremely grateful to PIL for getting my lunch prepared each evening for the next day. I really do appreciate it but Bananas? I’m trying to see if there’s a trait here or if she’s trying to tell me something.
There are certain things I know she thinks about me:
She thinks I’m a bit of a plank.
She thinks I’m pretty useless at D.I.Y.. She’s not wrong
She thinks I’m just a little bit pervy because I like to see her in her underwear but she actually quite likes that. (Yes chaps. This is what she wears. Who’s a lucky boy?)
She thinks I’m a guinea pig because she gets me guinea pig food for breakfast and tells me it’s really something called Mews Lee. (Don’t forget she thinks I’m a plank).
And sometimes the Mews Lee she gets is actually parrot food. For variety of course. (Plank again)
Then there’s the stuff PIL calls “salad” and I call rabbit food. (Plank)
And now she thinks I’m a chimp by only letting me have bananas for lunch. (Plank)
Just give me chocolate!
Dear Father Christmas,
I have been a very good boy all year.
I have been quite good
Ok, I’ve been a bit of a bastard but it’s all this rabbit and guinea pig food I’m being fed. Now, it’s the chimp food.
Please, please, please can I have a chocolate fountain for Christmas?
I promise not to dunk my head in it. Ok, maybe I will once or twice but no more.
Thank you very, very much you
old bugger old goat splendid chap.
Now it’s time for me to go get my lunch ready for tomorrow while PIL is wrapped up in watching soaps! Ha! I hope there’s some pig or cow that I can wrap up in bread smothered with butter.
Bollocks! No bread!
Curses! Foiled again!
Have a great evening.
More Dick soon.
Posted in Family, Humour
Tagged banana, Bugs Bunny, chimp, chocolate fountain, chocolate mmmmm, diet, DIY, fat arse, Father Christmas, healthy food, parrot, stockings, underwear
Like most other days when I’m working, I pop into Starbucks round the corner from where I work to grab a coffee before I start. The staff know me quite well. I walk in and pay, my coffee is ready. Venti latte, extra hot, wet, house bean, to go. Lovely. The other day I walked in and one of the girls working there said to me, “Hello Father Christmas. How’s Rudolph?” I replied I was going to Costas next door from now on. We both laughed. I didn’t go to Costas though. I prefer Starbucks. So now you know.
Apparently, I look like Father Christmas and I have decided therefore to call my beard Nick. Having said that, some of my so-called friends who, as you may be aware, are massive piss takers, have decided I look uncannily like some other old geezer and a photo is now doing the rounds.
I had to trim it up the other day as it was looking a bit unkempt but it’s starting to look like a proper beard so much so that I’m considering a career change. Should I become a Viking Berserker? Probably not. Most Vikings were gingers and I can’t be dealing with that. Don’t like the headgear either.
Perhaps a pirate? Don’t think so. Most images of pirates these days are of that Depp bloke as Cap’n Jack Sparra and that’s not me.
A biker? Can’t ride a motorbike so that’s out of the question.
Love the beard. That’s what I’m heading for. Same amount of hair on our heads too
Father Christmas? The works too seasonal for me so that’s a no too. Papa Smurf then? I may be a Chelsea supporter but I’m not actually blue so that’s out.
A wildlife sanctuary? Well, I’m doing that already but is there any money in it? Certainly worth considering though.
A career change now is a big decision at my age so I’m going to take some time out and seriously think about what I should do in future. I will keep you posted on the beard and on any decision on a career change. watch this space.
The beaver? It’s a regular visitor to my beard now. It gets quite moist. It comes. It goes. I’m looking forward to it coming again very soon. PIL has decided to name it. She calls it Clit EatsWood. Who am I to argue? It’s her beaver.
Have a great day.
More Dick soon
Posted in Humour
Tagged beards, beaver, Berserkers, bikers, career change, Chelsea FC, Christmas, Costa, Father Christmas, gingers, humor, humour, latte, Papa Smurf, PIL, Rudolph, silly, Starbucks, Vikings, wildlife sanctuary