Tag Archives: depression

I Remember. Part 4.

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I remember that when I took the decision to buy a house so that she and our children had somewhere to live where they would feel and be safe, quite a few people I knew thought I was nuts. Their attitude was “She made her bed. Now she has to lie in it.” Their attitude was reinforced by the knowledge that I would be taking on even more responsibility as I am not CJs biological father.  He had taken the decision not to bother. I accepted that responsibility quite happily and consider CJ to be my daughter. She considers me to be her Daddy.

I remember that for me, it was a simple solution. Some people have said that I did a remarkable thing but I don’t. I saw it as something that needed to be done. She had stopped loving me but I had not stopped loving her. Emotions are not something to just turn on and off as required.lovenoteObviously, there was an up side for me here too. If she was happy for me to stay there then i would see so much more of her and our children. She was happy for me to stay. So I did.

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I remember we moved into our new home. We each had our own room. I admit to taking the largest as mine but felt that there may well be times when I needed to be apart from them to give them space if they needed it. It rarely has. Mostly, it’s been me that needed a bit of space! There have been many times when it’s been a struggle not just emotionally but financially and socially as well but we have all just got on and done what needed to be done. There are times when I wonder to myself if it would have been better if I had just let her deal with all the crap on her own because she would have got through it all I’m sure but I don’t regret it one iota. We work well together.  We’re like Forrest and Jenni. We are like peas and carrots.

There are many times when I do still get very depressed because we’re not a couple. Sometimes I see a couple walking along holding hands and every now and again that will set me off just because we don’t hold hands and I’d love to do that.

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I’d love love to caress her face and her hair.  I would love for her to want to do that to me. It’s not to be and I pick myself up again, dust myself down and continue with my life.

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At the moment I think the count stands at 347.  I now live by this little 6 word motto. Whatever crap comes my way and knocks me down, I will always but always get up again. My life ain’t so bad!

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who responded to my previous three posts on this subject. The response was really overwhelming. To my friends who know who I am who contacted me to make sure I was ok, especially Bunsen and Princess Natalie, rest assured that after 15 years I know how to cope with and deal with my dark moments. To my interweb friends, Lily Moose, Monkey Boy and Tessa, thank you for your words of encouragement. It was a very difficult topic to write about and your encouragement helped me to get through it.

Am I better person for my experiences? I have no idea. I don’t know what I would be like if they hadn’t happened. My sister tells me I am a good man and that’s good enough for me.

Do I feel better for having written about this subject and got it off my chest? No. Writing this stirred up all kinds of memories, both good and bad. There was stuff I discovered so deeply buried that I had forgotten it was there until I started poking around in my memory. It’s probably not something I would do again as it hurts. As for those who say “Time heals”, I can assure you it doesn’t. For me, and I imagine for others who have suffered in the same way, the pain never goes away. As time goes on it becomes background noise as you grow used to it but it never goes. It may not be as raw but it’s there.

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On that note, the family is due home soon. I’m looking forward to seeing them and I think I need to start thinking about burning some food for dinner. Take care.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.

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I Remember. Part 2.

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I remember being aware that things in our marriage had not been going well for a month or two but I wasn’t terribly concerned as we loved each other didn’t we?

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I remember assuming she understood why I was doing the things I was doing and working all the hours possible. I was wrong.

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I remember her saying she wanted to have a serious chat with me. I don’t remember exactly when it was now but I remember quite distinctly where it took place. I sat next to her and she told me she didn’t love me any more and that she wanted a divorce. She cried while she told me.

I remember being speechless. My whole being was screaming at me to say something and to put this right and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t speak.

I remember her saying it wasn’t me, it was her that had changed and she assured me there was no one else. I knew that very soon I would wake up from this God awful nightmare. I still haven’t.

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I remember that shortly afterwards, I watched her and our children driving away from what had been our home. I stood at the door and I did nothing to stop them going. I was frozen. I watched them go and I did nothing to stop them going.

I remember thinking as I shut the door;

“How the bloody hell did you manage to screw that up?”

I remember I cried. I cried tears for days and I cried out with the pain and the agony that I felt. I still do. I see a couple walking along holding hands or I hear a particular song on the radio and it brings back the pain.

I remember my whole world started to unravel very, very quickly and I fell to bits. I was devastated. I was crushed. How could I have not seen this developing and done something about it? How could I be so stupid? So cocksure?

I remember getting absolutely wasted and staying like that for some days.

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I remember the loneliness. God. How I remember the loneliness.

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I remember finding out that there was indeed someone else and I remember the anger I felt at the deception. We had never lied to each other and this was a low blow and the anger and bitterness swelled up inside me.

I remember how the anger faded. If this is what makes the woman I love happy then I really ought to go with that. I wanted her to be happy more than anything else and if it destroyed me in the process then so be it.

I remember the help and wisdom and support I got from my sister and her husband. Boo and Gupta saw me through some pretty dark days and they were always there for me. They still are. Boo, more than anyone else, knows what I went through and what I still go through every day. They are both the most incredible and kind people.

I remember that she never once stopped me from seeing our children whenever I wanted and to take them abroad on holiday but it broke my heart again every time I walked away from them. And from her.

I remember I didn’t eat very often and then after years I thought to myself that I really should put myself back together again. I was unrecognisable to the person I used to be.

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I remember that I didn’t know where to start. How do you put a puzzle back together again if many of the pieces are gone? They’re missing never to return. Other pieces that had never been there before appeared and got slotted in somewhere. I had to work from the ground up. I didn’t know what to do with the pieces I kind of recognised let alone how to deal with the bits I didn’t.

I remember eventually returning to something approaching normal. Some people say that a Piscean is never actually what you see on the outside and that was true of me then and also of me now. The happy person cracking jokes on the outside that people see is concealing the utter mess and turmoil on the inside.

I remember getting into a relationship with another woman. It was nice but there was no spark and it didn’t last long.

I remember her relationship started to go wrong. It had been going wrong for a while, but I wasn’t pleased. The woman I love was in turmoil and as her relationship grew ever more sour, it started to become violent and as I was to find out, he had used violence for some time. She is no angel but violence towards women is a no-no in my book.

I remember getting a phone call from her. She was scared. The children were at school and she was under threat. I left to go there. She rang while I was on my way to say he was now going to attack me if I came, so don’t come. I still went.

I remember that despite being half my age and twice my size we fought. He needed to know that to attack her was to attack me and consequences for his actions were involved.

I remember that they decided to live apart and she rented a nice house for her and the children to live in. I would visit as would he. I would bring the boys back from football on a sunday and mow the grass and we would have lunch. He was often there. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with this but I saw my children and I saw her and spent time in their company.

I remember one sunday I was there and they had argued and she didn’t want to see him that day. He turned up.I said he wasn’t welcome today and it kicked off again. In front of my children! I didn’t want them to see this. I got him out of the house but I took some damage doing it. A lengthy visit to A&E was involved. I don’t ever remember seeing him again after that.

I remember that after that incident she and our children lived in fear of him turning up again but I wasn’t allowed to stay and protect them.

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I remember thinking; “This really won’t do.”

More Dick soon.

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I’m not sure I can continue. I will try.