I had started to think that the other dog walkers considered me a bit of a weirdo. “Oh no! It’s that boring old fart who talks to the trees! I’ll pretend to be on my phone. He’ll get bored and go away.”
Thinking about it, that’s probably exactly what they think but today I met a soul mate. She had a dog, she was out walkies but she didn’t have a phone. She had BINOCULARS! We had a conversation. She was called Amelia, her chocolate-brown labrador was called Willy (as in Wonka), she had only just moved to the area, she ran her own successful business from home. She was posh and very plummy. She took a break to take her dog for a walk every day and never took her phone with her. When I asked about that she replied, “Oh do fuck orf! My staff can manage without me for a couple of hours.” I liked her. We saw stuff, we shared her binoculars. We saw a Wren poking about in a tree, we saw and heard a Woodpecker doing that headbanger thing that Woodpeckers do. We concluded Woodpeckers have a Slipknot album playing on a continuous loop in their heads.
We saw Jays, Magpies, Blackbirds, Thrushes, Pheasants, pesky wabbits and a tiddly little mouse. We found Badger setts and pesky wabbit holes. There were countless seagulls circling overhead searching for freshly washed cars to crap on. Why is it that little birds never crap on your clean car? It’s always birds with cow-like arseholes.
I like garlic. I eat it to keep vampires away. It seems to work because I’ve never been attacked by a vampire let alone met one since I started to eat it. Mind you, I suspect that a girl I knew when I was a teenager might have been one because she was always attacking my neck. I think her fangs must have been blunt as she never drew blood but by Christ did she bruise my neck! My mum, when she spotted the bruises said I should be very careful as I might make her pregnant! That’s one of the things I loved about my mum. She was a fountain of wisdom and she was the holder of all knowledge in the known Universe. Until then I had never known how female vampires got pregnant. I thought baby vampires were found under a gooseberry bush like everyone else. Now I do know. They take a lump out of your throat and Bish Bash Bosh, nine months later you’re father to a baby vampire. Breast feeding that little sucker must be a nightmare! Be warned.
So there you go. At least two people on this planet know that it won’t end if you don’t carry your phone everywhere with you. Three if you count my sister Boo but she doesn’t carry a phone with her anyway in case she falls over again and breaks it. You could also include PIL. She does carry a phone with her at all times but it’s at the bottom of her bag where she can’t hear or find it!
Try it. Go out for a stroll and look around. Leave your phone behind. I promise you the world will not end. Your company won’t go bust. Your wife/husband/whatever will not leave you. If, by some fluke, any of these things do happen though, don’t blame me. I’m just a lunatic who talks to the trees!
Have a fantastic day.
More Dick soon.