Tag Archives: beaver

Beard Update

Not had an up date on my beard for ages. I still have it. The beard that is!185009

Clit Eatswood, the beaver, comes and wiggles around in it quite often and certainly seems to enjoy the experience. It’s pleasant for me too.beard2

I must admit though I’m beginning to get a bit bored with it and thinking about having a Hollywood face in the near future. I’ll have to wait for the tan to fade though as a two-tone face is NOT a good look but then again having a beard and looking like Uncle Albert isn’t too great either. I will let you know if and when it gets shaved off.uncle albert

Have a smashing day.

More Dick soon.

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Research

In an earlier post I mentioned that I was considering a career change, a decision driven by the success of my beard.

Should I become a Viking Berserker?vikings-16554

A pirate?blackbeard__1221832913_1868

A biker?biker_10

Or become my own wildlife sanctuary?6a00e552722125883300e55395a6718834-800wi

A decision of this magnitude requires research. So I started to delve into the sort of stuff I’d need to do to start one or other of the new careers.

Being a Viking is out of the question. I’m Anglo-Saxon  for a start which doesn’t help. Also, Vikings are really into long sea voyages on tiddly little boats that while they’re called “Long Ships” are nothing more than elongated rowing boats. Too bloody dangerous! Nor do I fancy having to be a ginger. Raping and pillaging is not really my cup of tea either although recent studies seem to indicate that the Viking wives came along to make sure their husbands behaved. Some things never change!

The same applies to being a pirate although they bob about on the sea in slightly bigger boats. That’s not the main drawback though. I don’t fancy having a bloody parrot crapping all over my shoulder, an eye patch wouldn’t suit me and I’m certainly not going to have a wooden peg leg.

Being a biker involves the ability to ride a motor cycle. Something I have no inclination to do. Fine during the summer I suppose but too wet and windy at any other time of year and I’m very fond of my creature comforts.

Which brings me nicely to becoming my own wildlife sanctuary specialising in beaver. Now this is a career that has promise but during the course of my research I discovered something that explained one or two things to me as well as causing me some concern.

Until 2009, when a small number were re-introduced on a trial basis, beaver had been extinct in Scotland for over 300 years! Fuck me, 300 years without beaver! What a disaster that must be but at least now I understand why so many Scottish men wear a skirt with a furry thing hanging down the front.  (National costume my arse!)

Hardly surprising given that there has been no beaver in Scotland for 300 years!

Hardly surprising given that there has been no beaver in Scotland for 300 years!

It also explains why so many Scots spend so much time “tossing the caber” which I think is just a euphemism for having a wank using a telegraph pole.

A display of a 300 year old Scottish "Please enter" gesture

A display of a 300 year old traditional Scottish “Please enter” gesture

I believe it’s the reason why from 1759 to 1959, 1,000,000 Scots emigrated to Canada where there are now 4,714,970 Scottish Canadians making up 15.1% of the population.

“Hoots mon the sassenachs ha’ nicked all oor beaver. Gi’ yersel’ off ta Canada. Plenty o’ beaver there bonnie lad. Och aye the noo. Plenty o’ haggis as well mon. Gi’ ya ye hid an’ ye han’s ta play wi’. Ye canna eat deep-fried Mars bars but tha’s nay a problem if ye’re chasin’ the wee beaver all over the forests.”

Now that may cause me a bit of a problem if I want to specialise in a beaver sanctuary as I don’t want to be inundated with randy Scots so it looks like I’ll have to think about something else. In the meantime, I’ll keep quiet about Clit.

PIL has just read through this post and she has made a very sound suggestion that I think makes sense. She says I shouldn’t go to Scotland any time soon! Good idea.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

 

My thanks to the intertube all around the world web thingy where I found all the photos using Sergei & Larry’s’ search wotsname. If I have infringed any copyright issues please let me know.

Beard Update

Like most other days when I’m working, I pop into Starbucks round the corner from where I work to grab a coffee before I start. The staff know me quite well. I walk in and pay, my coffee is ready. Venti latte, extra hot, wet, house bean, to go. Lovely. The other day I walked in and one of the girls working there said to me, “Hello Father Christmas. How’s Rudolph?” I replied I was going to Costas next door from now on. We both laughed. I didn’t go to Costas though. I prefer Starbucks.  So now you know.father-christmas-444794775

Apparently, I look like Father Christmas and I have decided therefore to call my beard Nick. Having said that, some of my so-called friends who, as you may be aware, are massive piss takers, have decided I look uncannily like some other old geezer and a photo is now doing the rounds.IMG-20150302-WA0001

I had to trim it up the other day as it was looking a bit unkempt but it’s starting to look like a proper beard so much so that I’m considering a career change. Should I become a Viking Berserker? Probably not. Most Vikings were gingers and I can’t be dealing with that. Don’t like the headgear either.

gaming-war-of-the-vikings

Perhaps a pirate? Don’t think so. Most images of pirates these days are of that Depp bloke as Cap’n Jack Sparra and that’s not me.Become a pirate

A biker? Can’t ride a motorbike so that’s out of the question.

Tattoo_biker

Love the beard. That’s what I’m heading for. Same amount of hair on our heads too

 

Father Christmas? The works too seasonal for me so that’s a no too. Papa Smurf then? I may be a Chelsea supporter but I’m not actually blue so that’s out.

A wildlife sanctuary? Well, I’m doing that already but is there any money in it? Certainly worth considering though.beaver

A career change now is a big decision at my age so I’m going to take some time out and seriously think about what I should do in future. I will keep you posted on the beard and on any decision on a career change. watch this space.

 

The beaver? It’s a regular visitor to my beard now. It gets quite moist. It comes. It goes. I’m looking forward to it coming again very soon. PIL has decided to name it. She calls it Clit EatsWood. Who am I to argue? It’s her beaver.ShaveBeaverCartoon

Have a great day.

More Dick soonauto

Beard update

I did say I would let you know how my beard gets on. I have to say it’s coming along just fine. My whiskers finally took the hint and started to grow again and while it’s looking a whole load better it’s a bit uneven but I’ll give it another week or so and maybe then, if it’s still a bit straggly, I’ll tidy it up.

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Beards. Mine looks nothing like this. Yet.

I’ve not really decided yet but I think I’ll grow it as a full-blown, proper blokes beard, not a goatee or a thing that needs a whole bunch of care. They’re not beards, they’re accessories.

Bearded-Ostrich--90763

Yep. Mine’s more like this.

There are a couple of things I’ve noted about having a beard. First, a beard really does keep your face warm and at this time of year, when you’re outside a lot, a warm face is lovely. Now, what happens in the summer when it’s sunny and warm I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. Some beardies reckon that having a beard makes them hot all year round!

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I hope

Another thing I’ve noticed is that a beard is very useful if you’re feeling a bit peckish. At work the other day I was feeling a bit hungry and I discovered some apple pie and custard from our previous nights meal in my beard so I scoffed that for a kind of brunch. Very yummy it was too.

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I prefer dessert in mine.

Finally, beards are very useful as a wildlife sanctuary and I have a beaver moving in very shortly. In fact, any minute now. I like beaver. Nice to stroke, good to eat. Just don’t tell Bear Grylls. Let him continue to eat crap!

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I will keep you up dated on the beard.

Have a smashing day.

More Dick soon.

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