Tag Archives: beards

Beard Update

Not had an up date on my beard for ages. I still have it. The beard that is!185009

Clit Eatswood, the beaver, comes and wiggles around in it quite often and certainly seems to enjoy the experience. It’s pleasant for me too.beard2

I must admit though I’m beginning to get a bit bored with it and thinking about having a Hollywood face in the near future. I’ll have to wait for the tan to fade though as a two-tone face is NOT a good look but then again having a beard and looking like Uncle Albert isn’t too great either. I will let you know if and when it gets shaved off.uncle albert

Have a smashing day.

More Dick soon.




Graham Norton has grown a beard. He now looks like a shorter, better dressed version of me! Plus he has a bit more hair on his head but I reckon that could be a syrup!

Dick Norton

Dick Norton

Graham Dastardly

Graham Dastardly

What to do? I can’t shave mine off because I’ve been out in the sunshine and shaving my beard off will give me a two tone face. Not a good look.

Have a nice day

More Dick soon


Beard Update


Beards and bubble gum do not go well together! It is not a good look!





Have a great day.

More Dick soon


My thanks to the intertube thingy and shutterstock.

Beard up date



The other day I was working at a function in the centre of London. The guests were starting to leave and make their way back down the red carpet. I was talking to a three of the lads in my team making sure all was good when two very very attractive young ladies came out. They were suffering a bit with their high heels and called out to us:

“Can you help us please and walk us to the cab rank?”

Naturally, the three young(ish) chaps I was with rushed to their assistance. I’m of an age where I don’t rush anywhere. The young ladies called out,

“No. Not you. The cool dude with the beard.”6b80cfac9bcc11e2a0c022000a1f918d_7

Ha! The guys were gutted! So, being the gentleman I am, I took their arms and walked them to a nearby cab rank. They were utterly taken with my beard, thought it incredibly cool and very fashionable. They liked beards, they preferred older men, we exchanged numbers. I was in heaven while my colleagues were spitting feathers.spitting feathers

There’s a moral in there somewhere but right now I’m not feeling particularly moral.

Have a great day. I am!

More Dick soon.auto




Beard Update

Like most other days when I’m working, I pop into Starbucks round the corner from where I work to grab a coffee before I start. The staff know me quite well. I walk in and pay, my coffee is ready. Venti latte, extra hot, wet, house bean, to go. Lovely. The other day I walked in and one of the girls working there said to me, “Hello Father Christmas. How’s Rudolph?” I replied I was going to Costas next door from now on. We both laughed. I didn’t go to Costas though. I prefer Starbucks.  So now you know.father-christmas-444794775

Apparently, I look like Father Christmas and I have decided therefore to call my beard Nick. Having said that, some of my so-called friends who, as you may be aware, are massive piss takers, have decided I look uncannily like some other old geezer and a photo is now doing the rounds.IMG-20150302-WA0001

I had to trim it up the other day as it was looking a bit unkempt but it’s starting to look like a proper beard so much so that I’m considering a career change. Should I become a Viking Berserker? Probably not. Most Vikings were gingers and I can’t be dealing with that. Don’t like the headgear either.


Perhaps a pirate? Don’t think so. Most images of pirates these days are of that Depp bloke as Cap’n Jack Sparra and that’s not me.Become a pirate

A biker? Can’t ride a motorbike so that’s out of the question.


Love the beard. That’s what I’m heading for. Same amount of hair on our heads too


Father Christmas? The works too seasonal for me so that’s a no too. Papa Smurf then? I may be a Chelsea supporter but I’m not actually blue so that’s out.

A wildlife sanctuary? Well, I’m doing that already but is there any money in it? Certainly worth considering though.beaver

A career change now is a big decision at my age so I’m going to take some time out and seriously think about what I should do in future. I will keep you posted on the beard and on any decision on a career change. watch this space.


The beaver? It’s a regular visitor to my beard now. It gets quite moist. It comes. It goes. I’m looking forward to it coming again very soon. PIL has decided to name it. She calls it Clit EatsWood. Who am I to argue? It’s her beaver.ShaveBeaverCartoon

Have a great day.

More Dick soonauto

Beard update

I did say I would let you know how my beard gets on. I have to say it’s coming along just fine. My whiskers finally took the hint and started to grow again and while it’s looking a whole load better it’s a bit uneven but I’ll give it another week or so and maybe then, if it’s still a bit straggly, I’ll tidy it up.


Beards. Mine looks nothing like this. Yet.

I’ve not really decided yet but I think I’ll grow it as a full-blown, proper blokes beard, not a goatee or a thing that needs a whole bunch of care. They’re not beards, they’re accessories.


Yep. Mine’s more like this.

There are a couple of things I’ve noted about having a beard. First, a beard really does keep your face warm and at this time of year, when you’re outside a lot, a warm face is lovely. Now, what happens in the summer when it’s sunny and warm I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. Some beardies reckon that having a beard makes them hot all year round!


I hope

Another thing I’ve noticed is that a beard is very useful if you’re feeling a bit peckish. At work the other day I was feeling a bit hungry and I discovered some apple pie and custard from our previous nights meal in my beard so I scoffed that for a kind of brunch. Very yummy it was too.


I prefer dessert in mine.

Finally, beards are very useful as a wildlife sanctuary and I have a beaver moving in very shortly. In fact, any minute now. I like beaver. Nice to stroke, good to eat. Just don’t tell Bear Grylls. Let him continue to eat crap!


I will keep you up dated on the beard.

Have a smashing day.

More Dick soon.


Bear Grylls

On the subject of beards or lack of them, my son Greg is a huge fan of the Bear Gyrlls survival programmes. If civilisation ever goes tits up, we’ll be looking to Greg to light fires, set traps for food, advise us on what type of tree bark to use as soap and building shelters for us. Bear has done loads of series on how to survive in the wilderness. Recently he has done episodes accompanied by a variety of celebs including Jonathan Ross, Jake Gyllenhaal and Zac Efron, who was a bit of a wuss. As Bear and Zac were hanging from a sheer cliff hundreds of feet above a raging torrent supported only by a few vines, Zac bleated “Oh Bear. I don’t know if this is the right time to say but I can’t swim.” Bear looked at him a bit skew whiff and said, “Don’t worry mate. It’s not the water that will kill you!” I think Zac did a bit in his pants! Anyway, usually what happens is that Bear gets left in the middle of a swamp/desert/jungle/forest/arctic wasteland and armed only with a knife, a flint, a length of paracord and the clothes he’s stood up in, he sets off to find his way back to civilisation. It normally takes him two or three days to get back. He fords rapid rivers, abseils down cliffs, wades through oozy, slimy swamps and traverses mountainous sand dunes. He eats all kind of crap. Scorpions, snakes, worms, grubs, bark, rotting carcases. You name it, Bear will eat it. At the end of each day he builds a shelter out of anything to hand, lights a fire and cooks some of the crap he’s collected on his travels. He is exhausted, filthy and hungry. bear_grylls_born_shit_eater_by_bulletreaper117-d71ypk2 The next morning he gets up and he’s clean-shaven, clothes are dry, washed and ironed, teeth are all clean and sparkly and he’s eating a leg of lamb and some toast for breakfast. How does he do that?

Have a great day

More Dick soon auto


All images were found on the intertube, all round the world web thingy and sourced via Sergei & Larry’s fire engine.


A couple of Saturdays ago most of my tribe were watching “The Voice” on TV. It’s crap but harmless crap. The exception was my eldest boy Ed who was at Uni involved in the initiation ceremony for the freshers at the university rugby club. I dread to think what that was all about but no doubt many eye brows were shaved off, a vast quantity of alcohol was consumed and there was much dropping of trousers. There were a great many full moons in East Anglia that night!

I digress.


Anyway, one of my lot, suitably impressed by the beard Sir Tom Jones was sporting, suggested that I grow one.


The Idea


So I thought, “Why not? It’s winter, I’m outside a lot, a beard would keep my face warm. I would look like one of my heroes, the polar explorer, mountaineer and general nutcase, Sir Ranulph Fiennes.”

Liz Scarff_Sir Ranulph Fiennes Everest Challenge

The Plan

So I’ve not shaved for a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, like the rest of the hair on my head, my whiskers get bored with growing so after a few days they stopped growing. However, some got bored more quickly than others, some didn’t like the cold and stopped growing almost immediately while the outdoorsy whiskers just kept right on growing. The result so far looks like the kind of nest a squirrel would build after smoking a spliff! Not a good look. I will persevere and let you know how it gets on.


The Result

Have a great day

More Dick soon