Tag Archives: Banzai


This dieting malarky seems to have had some unfortunate side effects. Not only have my belly and arse shrunk but other parts of my anatomy have too. I understand that parts of a blokes body shrink in the cold. I was doing a”proper bloke” thing earlier and was scratching my balls and remember thinking,

“Hmmm. Smaller than I recall.  I hope it’s cos it’s cold. I could do without testicular shrinkage right now.”

My work colleague, Banzai, was able to confirm it was the freezing weather rather than my age or diet. Thank God for that!

I hasten to add that much as he would have liked to, Banzai didn’t actually physically check me out.

No, it wasn’t that problem that concerned me.

I took some selfies the other day for reasons I no longer remember. I looked at them today and on looking at one I thought

“Bloody hell! My ears are big! I’m sure they were never that large.”


I concluded that my ears aren’t really that big but rather, due to my rabbit and guinea pig food diet allied with the chimp food for lunch, my bloody head has shrunk as well as well as my gut! Bugger!

Just for a change I thought you would like to see a more realistic photo of Dick Dastardly.

Have a brilliant day.

More Dick soon.



Friends 2

So why do my mates and colleagues have nick names? Mainly it’s because we are a group of infantile adults! Plus, to a degree, it allows us to take the mick. For instance, another one of my friends was in the Royal Navy so we call him “Stains”. I’m sure you can work it out especially if you remember Captain Pugwash.

“Banzai”, as I’ve mentioned before, is not Japanese. In fact, he is a young Pakistani guy. His nick name arises from his self-confessed habit of at least twice a day spending anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour sitting on the toilet.young adult man sitting on toilet

How anyone can spend so much time sitting on the khazi squeezing their head is completely beyond me. However, Banzai does and he seems to be quite pleased with himself. Although we have no direct evidence of it, we reckon that by spending that amount of time sitting on the bog he must have an arsehole like a Japanese flag so rather than say, “Oi. Bumhole like a Japanese flag.”, we decided to call him Banzai.

Bumhead Banzai

Bumhead Banzai

As I said at the beginning – a bunch of puerile adolescents.

Now Banzai does like to chat. If asked a question, he likes to give a full explanation that may not have anything to do with the subject. Certainly, given the chance he will go back to the nano second after the Big Bang when everything started to exist to ensure his story is complete in every respect. I once asked him how many people were in a building. Twenty five minutes later, I still didn’t know and I’m sure that at some stage during his lengthy discourse I nodded off. I was certainly a damned sight older when I eventually discovered the answer was “Five”. Or was it seven? Personally, I put his verbal diarrhoea down to the amount of time he spends alone in the toilet.

I hope you weren’t eating while reading this post. My apologies if I’ve put you off your scoff.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto




No. Not the TV series. Mates, chums, pals, buddies, colleagues. Call them what you will but people whose company you enjoy. My mates are important to me and I thought I would write about them and share stories and anecdotes with you.  I don’t know why some people become friends while others do not. I’ve never really thought about it. My friends are great bunch of people and over the coming weeks and months I will tell tales about some of them. All my mates have nick names that are used on a daily basis. Some, like Bunsen, Beaker, BUFF, Carl and Manny all look like well known characters or things. Some, like Banzai and Betty are, as you will discover, aptly named. Banzai isn’t Japanese and Betty is a bloke. To a great extent the use of nick names demonstrates what a bunch of juveniles we are.

They are a diverse bunch of people but they all have similar traits. Without exception they are cheerful and positive in their outlook towards life. They KNOW there is a silver lining to every cloud and they invariably find it. They see humour everywhere and are merciless piss takers. Although we are all civilians now, three of my buddies served in the British Armed Forces, my bestest best mate is a builder, a high diving coach and fluent in sign language. Another is a hairdresser, while another is a computer whizzkid with a Masters in Management Information Systems. One of my best friends died at the end of 2013 but I will include Waldorf or “H” in the stories. I hope you enjoy them.

My mate "H"  a.k.a "Waldorf"

My mate “H” a.k.a “Waldorf”

While I was searching for images to use in these stories I came across one that stirred some vague memories. It involved me, BUFF and “H”. We’d had a few beers and were enjoying some fat Cuban cigars BUFF had brought back from his recent holiday in Cuba. We were wankered and sitting in BUFFs hot tub drinking and puffing away. Poor old “H”, due to the combination of beer, cigars and the heat suddenly threw up in the hot tub and we all had to bail out pretty quick. Glad I didn’t have to clear that lot up! Anyway, just before we lapsed into a coma, we had a strange conversation. I don’t think it was the same as the one I’ve shown below but it was similar and the memory of it made me laugh. I hope you enjoy it too.304451_276930349084349_1837762705_n


My nickname? As you will find out in later posts about other things, it seems to be changing but for many years I have been called “G”. I have absolutely no idea why. Perhaps it’s because my mates thought I was always on the “spot”!

Have a great day

More Dick soonauto