I had started to think that the other dog walkers considered me a bit of a weirdo. “Oh no! It’s that boring old fart who talks to the trees! I’ll pretend to be on my phone. He’ll get bored and go away.”
Thinking about it, that’s probably exactly what they think but today I met a soul mate. She had a dog, she was out walkies but she didn’t have a phone. She had BINOCULARS! We had a conversation. She was called Amelia, her chocolate-brown labrador was called Willy (as in Wonka), she had only just moved to the area, she ran her own successful business from home. She was posh and very plummy. She took a break to take her dog for a walk every day and never took her phone with her. When I asked about that she replied, “Oh do fuck orf! My staff can manage without me for a couple of hours.” I liked her. We saw stuff, we shared her binoculars. We saw a Wren poking about in a tree, we saw and heard a Woodpecker doing that headbanger thing that Woodpeckers do. We concluded Woodpeckers have a Slipknot album playing on a continuous loop in their heads.
A heavy metal fan
We saw Jays, Magpies, Blackbirds, Thrushes, Pheasants, pesky wabbits and a tiddly little mouse. We found Badger setts and pesky wabbit holes. There were countless seagulls circling overhead searching for freshly washed cars to crap on. Why is it that little birds never crap on your clean car? It’s always birds with cow-like arseholes.
Anyway, we saw dozens of clumps of wild primroses in flower and a copse full of wild garlic springing to life. The two photos below are ones that I took earlier today.
Wild garlic growing nearby. The leaves are great to eat. Helps to avoid getting bruised necks too
I like garlic. I eat it to keep vampires away. It seems to work because I’ve never been attacked by a vampire let alone met one since I started to eat it. Mind you, I suspect that a girl I knew when I was a teenager might have been one because she was always attacking my neck. I think her fangs must have been blunt as she never drew blood but by Christ did she bruise my neck! My mum, when she spotted the bruises said I should be very careful as I might make her pregnant! That’s one of the things I loved about my mum. She was a fountain of wisdom and she was the holder of all knowledge in the known Universe. Until then I had never known how female vampires got pregnant. I thought baby vampires were found under a gooseberry bush like everyone else. Now I do know. They take a lump out of your throat and Bish Bash Bosh, nine months later you’re father to a baby vampire. Breast feeding that little sucker must be a nightmare! Be warned.
So there you go. At least two people on this planet know that it won’t end if you don’t carry your phone everywhere with you. Three if you count my sister Boo but she doesn’t carry a phone with her anyway in case she falls over again and breaks it. You could also include PIL. She does carry a phone with her at all times but it’s at the bottom of her bag where she can’t hear or find it!
Try it. Go out for a stroll and look around. Leave your phone behind. I promise you the world will not end. Your company won’t go bust. Your wife/husband/whatever will not leave you. If, by some fluke, any of these things do happen though, don’t blame me. I’m just a lunatic who talks to the trees!
Have a fantastic day.
More Dick soon.
Posted in Countryside
Tagged badgers, binoculars, bird crap on cars, blackbirds, hickies, humor, humour, jays, labrador, love bite, magpies, mum, old fart, pregnant vampires, Slipknot, soul mate, talking to trees, thrushes, vampires, wild garlic, wild primroses, woodpeckers, wrens
I think this is a Bee Orchid. I spotted this one in a nearby hedgerow
In my last post I mentioned that things are there to be seen if only you looked. My family and I are lucky enough to live on the Downs and if we walk for just a few minutes we are deep in the countryside surrounded by fields, woods and hedgerows. The new header image on my blogs front page is a photo I took on my Samsung phone a few weeks ago just a short stroll from our home. Walking the dog gives us all an opportunity to walk around in some really beautiful countryside and it’s quite surprising what you can see and find if you look. I remember seeing an advertisement for an online shopping site in a glossy magazine recently. The picture in the ad was of a woman walking her dog in a park and it read along the lines of “Look what I found while walking the dog”. It was a wardrobe! I remember thinking why on earth would you shop on-line while walking the dog? I know it was only a magazine ad but ads and ad men tend to reflect society as it is. For goodness sake, if you’re walking the dog, use it as a way to escape from the endless requirement to be in the loop. Instead, take the chance to actually look at your surroundings, to see what’s there just waiting to be discovered. It doesn’t matter if you live in town, there is still plenty to see and enjoy in the parks that most people can get to. Where I live if you look, you can find some pretty rare orchids (and some pretty common ones too).
Another wild orchid I saw while walking Dexter
There are badgers, foxes, pesky wabbits, hedgehogs, mice, kestrels, sparrow hawks, pheasants, owls and no end of small birds all over the place. If you take the trouble to look you will see them. I recently found out that it’s possible to find black truffles around here. Haven”t found any yet but no harm in trying is there? Of course, it’s not just the flora and fauna that’s there to be enjoyed. Just looking at the view is a pleasant way to spend a moment or two. Even municipal parks have some fantastic vistas with magnificent trees, flower beds and undulating grassy areas. I was in Battersea Park recently in south-west London and it was awesome. The River Thames flowed along one side, there were hundreds of mature trees, shrubbery and grass. People were jogging, riding bikes, walking dogs and just strolling along. Most of the walkers were on their phones though. What a disappointing way to spend your time when you’re in such a wonderful setting.
Woodland close to where we live
Do yourself a favour next time you go out for a stroll, leave your phone at home. Take the chance to have a look at whats around you. Even if all you do is walk down the road to the shops you will be surprised at what you can see. Give yourself a break.
Sermon over. Have a fantastic day.
More Dick soon.