Tag Archives: aliens

Of course they are! I intend dishing the dirt on their secret and hoping all along that they haven’t got some death ray thing that they’ll zap me with before I get this published.

This has been a topic of conversation between men for decades and one that me and my mates often talk about down the pub or in the car on the way to work. My mates and I tend to be sensible chaps. Some, like me, are divorced, some are married and others are single. We often disagree about extremely important stuff like football but we all agree that women are very definitely from a different planet. How else can they do the stuff they do? I’m going to be naming names and giving examples and by the end I’m sure you will agree with me. 

First up. Helen Parr. a.k.a Mrs Incredible, a.k.a.Elastigirl. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know she’s a cartoon character but bear with me here. She is based on true life examples. Look at the size of her arse. A UK size 18 I’d guess and I’ll bet those pants of hers are a size 12!

All woman can do this stuff. For example, officially they are a size 14 but they will never admit to this so all their clothes are at least a size smaller and they get into them by using their alien superpowers, stretching their bodies in such a way that after a little tugging here and there the clothes fit. Every man has witnessed women doing this. The invention of lycra has meant that some women have started to lose this ability to stretch and fit so they tend to bulge a bit (or a lot) but how many times have you seen your wife or girlfriend wriggling around on the bed pulling on a pair of skinny jeans you swear they won’t fit into and ten seconds later, they’re in and looking fantastic? And a lot taller than you remember. If a bloke tries this he immediately looks ridiculous, like a combination muffin and BeeGee, the seat of his trousers split, the fly bursts and buttons whizz off his shirt. I tell you it’s because women are aliens.

Second example.

Mary Poppins. Or, more precisely, her bag. How many times have you thought to yourself (if you’re a bloke), why does a woman need such a big bag? Have you ever looked inside? Of course not. You’re too scared at what you might find. How many times has the woman in your life asked if you’ve seen her keys/phone/glasses/basically everything and you have replied,

“Have you looked in your bag o sweetness?”

And got the response:

“Of course I have you plank”

Minutes later she announces that she has found her keys/phone/glasses/basically everything and where were they? In her bag! Along with all the other stuff she carries around. Look at the stuff Mary Poppins takes out of her bag and that’s only a small percentage of it. I bet there are three-piece suites, dining tables with six dining chairs plus two carvers, a sideboard, a chest of drawers, a four-poster bed (more romantic than a normal bed), a washing machine and a fridge freezer to name but a few extra items in every womans bag. But of course you dare not look. Only women have bags like the Tardis and with all that stuff inside they must also have superhuman strength to be able to lug it around. See what I mean? Aliens.

My third example is:

Miss Price in Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Not many people know this but this movie is based on a true life story whereby a witch (Miss Price) saves Great Britain during World War2. To avert disaster for  the Brits against the Nazis, Miss Price had to reveal her supernatural (and alien) powers to overcome the bad guys. It’s been a closely guarded secret ever since. Only careful research and analysis of secrets released from national archives show the truth of the matter. Women are aliens. The British government knows this and has been covering it up for years.

 

My final piece of hard evidence that women  are aliens is PIL. A few years ago, late one night, I sat with my eldest boy Ed and watched Hot Fuzz, the movie with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. PIL decided to go to bed so up she went closing the lounge door behind her. We had the volume turned down low so as not to disturb the others. The movie got to the scene where the two main characters were getting drunk in the pub and Nick Frosts character used an extremely rude word in the scene. I turned to Ed and said very, very quietly,

“Lucky mum wasn’t here to hear that cos she’ll send you up to bed.”

Twelve seconds later the lounge door opened and a voice said,

“Lucky I didn’t hear what?”

It was PIL! How on earth had she heard me say that? My voice was so low an owl wouldn’t have heard, there were at least two closed doors between where we were and where she was and yet she still heard. Super human hearing is the only answer. I’m in love with a blinking alien!

Further evidence can be deduced from the fact that according to some,a list of the ten most INFLUENTIAL people will include at least five women:

Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Angela Merkel, Condoleezza Rice and Bill Gates.

Bill Gates?

Look at the photo!

Bill is a girl and as she’s married to a girl, she must also be a lesbian. See what I mean, women have got us blokes fooled. Only aliens can do that.

There is only one conclusion that can be drawn from all this. A bunch of blokes sitting around drinking beer talk a load of bollocks!

Happy New Year. Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings

More Dick soon

Dick