Category Archives: Life

I Remember. Part 3


us now

…..But now there’s wrinkles around my baby’s eyes

And she cries herself to sleep at night

When I come home the house is dark

She sighs “Baby did you make it all right?”

She sits on the porch of her daddy’s house

But all her pretty dreams are torn

She stares off alone into the night

With the eyes of one who hates for just being born

For all the shut-down strangers and hot-rod angels

Rumbling through this promised land

Tonight my baby and me we’re gonna ride to the sea

And wash these sins off our hands……..

Racing in the Street from the album Darkness on the Edge of Town.

Bruce Springsteen. 1978

I remember the woman I love was frightened and scared. Our children who lived with her picked up on this and after seeing what their Mums new partner was capable of they were scared too. They lived their lives in one bedroom of their rented house and pretended not to be in. Just in case he came again. He seemed to think that because she rented, he had every right to come and go as he pleased.

I remember thinking “This won’t do.” I couldn’t be there all the time. So I decided that the only way to deal with this was to buy a house where they could live and where I could live to. I did that and they moved in. He turned up one day when I was in. I answered the door and told him to go and he left, never to be seen by me again.

I remember that she and I talked about this slightly odd situation. Our neighbours think we’re man and wife and it makes it easier that way.

I remember that I told her she was safe now and that as long as she wanted, she and our children could stay. I would never make a move on her no matter how tempted I might be. And boy, have I been tempted.


I remember that we’ve been here for over a decade now. The woman and children that I love so very much are here and safe. I get to see them all a lot. To see them and to talk to them and sometimes to hug them all. I wish them ‘Good night’ and say ‘Good morning’ and ‘Have a great day’. We celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. I watched my children grow up. Am I happy? I’m happier than I would have been. It isn’t perfect but it’s what I have and that will have to do. After all, who knows what tomorrow might bring? We both get on together. I think she sometimes thinks in her head that I’m an idiot but I know in her heart she cares a lot and perhaps what’s in her heart is love.

More Dick soon.


A Change of Pace

PIL often leaves me a list of things to do when I’m at home. Today I made up my own. I have a ton to do but this is a good start.

badass day

Now please excuse me. I have a badass day to get started on. But first, where’s that coffee?


Now that’s a coffee!

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.



I Remember. Part 2.


I remember being aware that things in our marriage had not been going well for a month or two but I wasn’t terribly concerned as we loved each other didn’t we?


I remember assuming she understood why I was doing the things I was doing and working all the hours possible. I was wrong.


I remember her saying she wanted to have a serious chat with me. I don’t remember exactly when it was now but I remember quite distinctly where it took place. I sat next to her and she told me she didn’t love me any more and that she wanted a divorce. She cried while she told me.

I remember being speechless. My whole being was screaming at me to say something and to put this right and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t speak.

I remember her saying it wasn’t me, it was her that had changed and she assured me there was no one else. I knew that very soon I would wake up from this God awful nightmare. I still haven’t.

lonely man

I remember that shortly afterwards, I watched her and our children driving away from what had been our home. I stood at the door and I did nothing to stop them going. I was frozen. I watched them go and I did nothing to stop them going.

I remember thinking as I shut the door;

“How the bloody hell did you manage to screw that up?”

I remember I cried. I cried tears for days and I cried out with the pain and the agony that I felt. I still do. I see a couple walking along holding hands or I hear a particular song on the radio and it brings back the pain.

I remember my whole world started to unravel very, very quickly and I fell to bits. I was devastated. I was crushed. How could I have not seen this developing and done something about it? How could I be so stupid? So cocksure?

I remember getting absolutely wasted and staying like that for some days.


I remember the loneliness. God. How I remember the loneliness.


I remember finding out that there was indeed someone else and I remember the anger I felt at the deception. We had never lied to each other and this was a low blow and the anger and bitterness swelled up inside me.

I remember how the anger faded. If this is what makes the woman I love happy then I really ought to go with that. I wanted her to be happy more than anything else and if it destroyed me in the process then so be it.

I remember the help and wisdom and support I got from my sister and her husband. Boo and Gupta saw me through some pretty dark days and they were always there for me. They still are. Boo, more than anyone else, knows what I went through and what I still go through every day. They are both the most incredible and kind people.

I remember that she never once stopped me from seeing our children whenever I wanted and to take them abroad on holiday but it broke my heart again every time I walked away from them. And from her.

I remember I didn’t eat very often and then after years I thought to myself that I really should put myself back together again. I was unrecognisable to the person I used to be.


I remember that I didn’t know where to start. How do you put a puzzle back together again if many of the pieces are gone? They’re missing never to return. Other pieces that had never been there before appeared and got slotted in somewhere. I had to work from the ground up. I didn’t know what to do with the pieces I kind of recognised let alone how to deal with the bits I didn’t.

I remember eventually returning to something approaching normal. Some people say that a Piscean is never actually what you see on the outside and that was true of me then and also of me now. The happy person cracking jokes on the outside that people see is concealing the utter mess and turmoil on the inside.

I remember getting into a relationship with another woman. It was nice but there was no spark and it didn’t last long.

I remember her relationship started to go wrong. It had been going wrong for a while, but I wasn’t pleased. The woman I love was in turmoil and as her relationship grew ever more sour, it started to become violent and as I was to find out, he had used violence for some time. She is no angel but violence towards women is a no-no in my book.

I remember getting a phone call from her. She was scared. The children were at school and she was under threat. I left to go there. She rang while I was on my way to say he was now going to attack me if I came, so don’t come. I still went.

I remember that despite being half my age and twice my size we fought. He needed to know that to attack her was to attack me and consequences for his actions were involved.

I remember that they decided to live apart and she rented a nice house for her and the children to live in. I would visit as would he. I would bring the boys back from football on a sunday and mow the grass and we would have lunch. He was often there. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with this but I saw my children and I saw her and spent time in their company.

I remember one sunday I was there and they had argued and she didn’t want to see him that day. He turned up.I said he wasn’t welcome today and it kicked off again. In front of my children! I didn’t want them to see this. I got him out of the house but I took some damage doing it. A lengthy visit to A&E was involved. I don’t ever remember seeing him again after that.

I remember that after that incident she and our children lived in fear of him turning up again but I wasn’t allowed to stay and protect them.


I remember thinking; “This really won’t do.”

More Dick soon.


I’m not sure I can continue. I will try.

I Remember. Part 1

I remember the first time I saw her. I had just started a new job. She had been on holiday. She walked into my life with that lithe, fluid self-confident way I have always admired.


I remember thinking she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

I remember what she was wearing the first time I saw her. A white blouse, black heels and a short black skirt that showed off her long, tanned legs.

I remember hearing her speak for the first time .

I remember the first time I heard her laugh. Her voice and her laughter were magical.


I remember seeing her that first day and being utterly enthralled, completely smitten.

I remember every molecule of my being wanting her, wanting to know everything about her in every detail.

I remember that first day I saw her as being the day I fell in love.


I remember there were difficulties. I was a few years older. We were both in relationships. But I had seen the fire in her eyes and she had seen the fire in mine so nothing was insurmountable. We started going out and it was bliss.

lovers again

I remember the first time we kissed. Her lips were moist and soft. Our mouths were a perfect match. Our tongues were agile. Time stopped.


I remember the first time we made love. Where we were. Every detail. We went to Heaven and saw God and he said;

“Go back and keep doing that dude and dudette. Come up to Heaven whenever you want.”

So we did. We went and saw Him all the time. We made love everywhere and whenever we could. We made love in cars. In bed. On the kitchen table. On the sofa. On the stairs. In the shower. We even made love in the bedroom of a showhouse with the sales staff downstairs.


I remember the day we moved into our first home together.

I remember the day we got married and how we were both on top of the world.

I remember the walks we went on and the joy we had in each others company and how we missed each other when we were apart.


I remember how we worked hard at our respective jobs and how she encouraged me to start up on my own. How we became successful in our work and enjoyed the spoils of our good fortune and hard work.

I remember seeing our children being born and how seeing them being born was the best experience I have ever had. It may not have been quite so great for her at the time but she loves them to bits. She always has and she always will.

I remember always being mesmerised by her eyes. Sometimes they were grey, other times they were blue and on other days they were green. The fire was always there.


I remember working hard to maintain our life style. To be able to live in a nice house set in acres of land bounded by a stream. To be able to give our children a great education. To have nice cars and holidays.

I remember being intent on “chasing the money” to the exclusion of everything else.

I remember now in hindsight that I didn’t see the fire in her eyes start to flicker and fade.

More Dick soon.



Part 2 may follow soon.


There were three things I wanted to do in 2015.

To be able to drink proper blokes coffee every day and not be subjected to that big girls blouse drink known as “white chocolate mocha”.



Continue to scratch my balls as and when I wanted to.



Make love to the most beautiful woman on the planet.



Achieving two out of three in a year can’t be a bad can it?

Wishing you all a tremendous, happy, healthy and prosperous 2016 and that your dreams become reality.

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to read this kak!

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.




It’s Christmas Eve and I’m sitting at home working my way through another bottle of a rather splendid Pinot Grigio. The family are in bed asleep and are all around me but I feel strangely alone. Something that I often feel. I’m listening to ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ by The Boss, Bruce Springsteen. I guess that everyone has an album that they think sums up their life. This one is mine. Listen to “Racing in the Street”. That track sums up my life. The title track comes close too.Snoopy. Where did I go wrong

Have a absolutely splendid Christmas. Take care.

More Dick soon.




I think I mentioned a few weeks ago that work has been manic. It still is but to a lesser degree now. I had a great time at the task in Battersea Park in October which I have already spoken about. I was able to put a great team of guys together for that task. I’d worked with them all previously and knew they were more than up for the job. The Boss is good in that. He lets me select the guys I want which is nice.

The Boss

The Boss

We had teams covering 24 hours a day for the week we were there. There were only 2 working during the night. “Syco” Steve who I have known and worked with for many years was one of them. He thinks he’s Paul Weller but in reality he looks like Carl from the animated movie ‘UP!’. For some odd reason he goes off on one when we present him with a gift of tennis balls or balloons. I have never understood why.

'Syco' Steve

‘Syco’ Steve

Alongside him during the darkness was Filipino Chris, who, oddly enough, comes from the Philippines. Amongst his many talents (the ability to speak clearly in English not being one of them!), Chris is an expert in the martial art of Filipino stick fighting. From what I understand this involves a shed load of Filipinos fighting each other with sticks.

Filipinos fighting with sticks

Filipinos fighting with sticks

During the day I was joined by Simon who very definitely is not simple.

Infantile things to do with a banana on a sunny day in Battersea. Will you ever grow up Si?

Infantile things to do with a banana on a sunny day in Battersea. Will you ever grow up Si?

Sam the teenager serial killer who, at the age of 23, still buys his clothes from the children’s section of Asda. He has a 28 inch waist for Gods sake! At one stage we found him prowling around the park. We were convinced he has looking for places to dig shallow graves.



Also working long days was Luke, another youngster. The mad fool spent good money on a haircut that made him look like Kim Jong Un! You can guess what we called him.



His satnav certainly came from North Korea as it always took him over Albert Bridge, along  Chelsea Embankment, back over Chelsea Bridge and into the park at Chelsea Gate in Queenstown Road. This was from Clapham Junction! It did make me feel slightly better about the North Koreans developing ICBM nuclear missiles though. With that kind of navigation system if they ever did launch they’d probably nuke Pyongyang. One of the other guys working the day shift was Seb the sex mad Pole.



Our first day at Battersea started at 6am and didn’t end until 7pm when we all left to go back to our hotel. All except Seb who went home to his girlfriend. The following morning, just before 7am, we assembled to start our day, have breakfast in crew catering and generally get started. Seb rocked up looking like a sack of shit!

“Blimey mate.” I said. “You look cream crackered.”

“Crackers? I like Jacobs with cheese and pickle but I hope there is more than that for breakfast.” said Seb

“No you idiot. I meant you look worn out.” I replied

Seb looked confused so I explained cockney rhyming slang to him.

“Cream crackered is slang for ‘knackered’ me old china.”

“Ah. I see but I am a Pole. I am not the Chinese.” retorted Seb.

“No mate. ‘China’ is slang for ‘mate’ mate.”

I could see this was going to be hard work.

“But ‘China’ does not rhyme with ‘mate’ does it?”

“Ah yes but ‘China Plate’ does.”

“You cockerknees are strange people. Worse than you English.”

“So mate. Why are you so worn out?”

“It is my girlfriend.” said Seb. “She wants sex all the time. We make love, we finish and straight away she want more. Then more again and then some more after that. It is costing me a fortune in Viagra but I cannot say ‘No’ can I? Nearly 5 hours of non stop sex last night my friend and my penis is sore which is why I walk like I crapped my pants.”

“You jammy bastard. I wish I had a girlfriend like that.” said Luke, who Simon and I suspect is still a virgin and with that stupid North Korean haircut is likely to remain one for some time.

“Me too.” said Sam who claims he has a girlfriend but only in his imagination.

I looked at Simon. Simon looked at me. We are both wiser to the ways of the world and so I said to Seb,

“Well, me old China. If you did it right the first time, you wouldn’t have this problem. At least you’d get a 20 minute tea break in between sessions.”

Seb on being told he was doing "It" all wrong

Seb on being told he was doing “It” all wrong

“What’s for breakfast? I fancy a full English.” I strolled off for breakfast leaving Seb to figure it out.

Me hard at it

Me hard at it

And our day started.

Every day for a week, Seb rocked up for work looking very much the worse for wear and walking like John Wayne. A sack of potatoes looked in better shape!

I’m back in North London now working with ‘Banzai Noor’ the human garbage disposal unit, Daniel, Jay, Izzy the Tightarse, Ian and Zain. Work is now a little easier but I’m beginning to think I’m too bloody old for all this crap. Please God. let me win the lottery!

Have a great day.

More Dick


Last Tuesday PIL and I made our way to the University of East Anglia near Norwich for our eldest sons graduation ceremony. He graduated with a BSc in Business Management. He put a huge amount of effort both at school and while at Uni into getting that degree and I think he deserves it. Both PIL and I are immensely proud of him and what he has achieved. (We’re immensely proud of all three of our children). The ceremony itself was more formal that I expected with much doffing of hats and tugging of forelocks. Afterwards we all went into Norwich city centre for lunch at a restaurant our son had booked. A new era begins for him now.

I really don’t have the words to describe just how proud we both are. They say a picture paints a thousand words. So here’s a million words worth of photos we took during the day.

Just before the Graduation Ceremony

Just before the Graduation Ceremony

A very, very proud mum.

A very, very proud mum.

Waiting his turn.

Waiting his turn.

Going up to shake hands with the Chancellor

Going up to shake hands with the Chancellor

Degree in hand

Degree in hand


With two of his mates afterwards waiting for the group photograph

With two of his mates afterwards waiting for the group photograph

I would love to know what the girl behind was saying!

I would love to know what the girl behind was saying!






Gowns off at last!

Gowns off at last!

Our son

Our son

Have a great day.


More Dick soon.



I’ve been away working for the last week and I’m still feeling a bit cream crackered and brain activity is at an all time low. However, I will soldier on and hope that some of my few remaining brain cells start to connect while I’m writing this post.


Sometime in the near future I will write about what my mate Norm did to someones house but for now I just want to show what he experienced taking a swim in the River Dee many years ago. In my last post I mentioned he had jumped into the river to help me with my spray deck without realising how deep the river was and he kind of got swept away and ended up swimming down a rapid known as The Serpents Tail. This is what it looks like:

Norm had to swim down this. Plonker!

Norm had to swim down this. Plonker!

And this is what awaited him at the bottom:

As Norm approached I suspect he may have done a bit in his trousers!

As Norm approached I suspect he may have done a bit in his trousers!

That wave is known as a “stopper” and it does exactly what it says on the tin. Imagine a whirlpool on its side – that’s effectively what a stopper is and they can stop you dead and can be very dangerous to someone forced to swim into it as it will hold you in and keep spinning you around, mostly underwater. Omar and I were in Austria for a Europa Cup event some years ago and we got it slightly wrong on one of our practice runs and hit a huge stopper at an angle. It pulled us under and then spat us out like a Polaris missile. We were vertical and completely clear of the water. Bear in mind we both weighed 11 stone soaking wet, our canoe weighed another 20 kilos, was 16 feet long and that stopper just spat us out. I wish I still had the photo of that!

This guy is free styling and this is deliberate but you get the idea. This stopper is a tiddler! Imagine what a big one can do.

This guy is free styling and this is deliberate but you get the idea. This stopper is a tiddler! Imagine what a big one can do.


I’ve been away from home for a whole week and my garden has gone bloody berserk! I haven’t got any weeds but I do have a great many triffids!KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA Just sorting them out is going to take quite a lot of effort and will undoubtedly give me back ache. However, my ornamentals are also doing very well and have suffered very little damage from sl*gs and sn**ls so far.20150513_090412 My experiment with making a concoction from stinging nettles has gone out the window, or more accurately, down the drain. PIL didn’t realise what I was doing so chucked it away. She doesn’t find it odd that there buckets containing various gooey substances dotted around the garden.  Not a drama, lots of stinging nettles around so I can restart that. While I was away, I spent a little time talking to Pete, one of the gardeners who works on the estate where we were and he told me that they use coffee grounds as a sl*g deterrent and it seemed to work reasonably well. He also told me that a feed made from stinging nettles (soak a load in a bucket of water for a couple of weeks and use the resultant liquor) is one of the best natural plant feeds you can get. I’m also hoping that doing this will deter sl*gs as the little buggers never seem to eat nettles and covering my ornamentals with nettle juice may just confuse them. I have to say that Pete has to be one of the most contented men I have ever met.

Pete. On e of the happiest and most content blokes I've ever had the great fortune to meet

Pete. On e of the happiest and most content blokes I’ve ever had the great fortune to meet

He is a retired fireman, a job he always wanted to do and as far as he was concerned he was living the dream and now his dream continues as he gardens, which he loves, and gets paid for doing it. I am soooo jealous!


I’m still looking into this. There seems to be a major problem with honey bee colonies dying en masse and no one really seems to know why.Honeybees While I was away, we all had to suddenly leg it as a swarm of bees came over where we were working. I let the estate manager know so that he could take action in case they landed inside the buildings and pissed off his guests. My gardener mate Pete came along shortly afterwards looking for them but found no trace and concluded they probably returned to their hive. Now oddly enough, scientists looking into why bee colonies are dying off have been hindered by the lack of bee bodies. Apparently, the bees fly off never to return. Aliens? It would also appear that farmers rent bee colonies to pollinate their crops as and when the crop is ready and in full flower which may explain why I’ve not seen too many honey bees this year. I will report back on this subject later.


It’s amazing what’s provided these days. The hotel I stayed in was very pleasant, the staff were nice, the bed lovely and comfy, the shower was good and the TV remote worked. My first morning I got in the lift to get breakfast, pressed the button and a womans voice said;

“Going down”.

“Ooo” I thought, “I think I like this hotel but she’ll need to be quick as I’m only on the third floor”.

man & woman in lift I’m pretty certain I was alone in the lift so there wasn’t a queue but I remained fully zipped up throughout my descent. I did mention it to the reception staff that while the woman had said she was going down, nothing had actually happened. They said they would get an engineer in to sort the problem out but perhaps they had to wait for a spare part as the poor woman remained stuck in her little cupboard somewhere in that lift for the duration of my stay. I hope she’s ok.BH-NwgdCUAI-6yg.jpg-large I am in dire need of a cup of tea so I’m off. I hope you have an absolutely smashing day.

More Dick


The other day I bought a lottery ticket. The idea being that you select 6 numbers between 1 and 49. You buy a ticket for each draw. Then twice a week the organisers have a draw. If you get all six correct you can win a large sum of tax-free cash, often many millions of pounds. I don’t know what the odds of winning the main prize are but I’m sure that Abyssbrain or Steve Morris would be able to work it out using some complicated formula. All I know is it’s probably something like:

x-y= Dick, you have no fucking chance sunshine.

Anyway, I got 4 of the numbers correct and won 35 quid. Lucky man you may think but then PIL mentioned that if I had got all 6 I would have won £1.1 million! Unlucky then. Or was I? It got me thinking about being “lucky” and how it can be interpreted and as ever that meant having a little bit of research using the all round the world interweb thingy. During the course of my research I came across a couple of news items that I think demonstrate what I’m getting at.

On the 6th August 1945 a young Japanese ship designer called Tsutomu Yamaguchi was visiting Hiroshima on a business trip when suddenly there was a bright flash followed by a huge explosion and the building Mr. Yamaguchi was in fell over. The first ‘A’ bomb, “Little Boy”, had just gone off about 3 kilometers from where he had been standing. Despite serious burns to his upper body and a loss of hearing, Mr. Yamaguchi made his way to an air raid shelter where his burns were attended to. The following couple of days were spent trying to get back to his office to continue work. He eventually got back to his office in Nagasaki on the 9th August and was explaining to his boss what had happened when suddenly there was another bright flash, followed by another huge explosion and once again the building he was standing in fell over. The second ‘A’ bomb, “Fat Man”, had gone off about 3 kilometers from where he was standing. Mr. Yamaguchi received further burns but survived. Crikey! Unlucky or what? To get blown up by nuclear weapons twice in three days has got to be unlucky right? I don’t think so. I think he was a very lucky man. He eventually died of stomach cancer on the 4th January 2010 aged 93. Apart from the loss of hearing in his left ear and many years of treatment for his burns, he enjoyed “robust health”. He was married and had a son and a daughter and they probably had children of their own although I could find no reference to this. He enjoyed an active life and as you would expect, was a voracious campaigner against nuclear weapons. I’m sure he would have preferred not to have not been nuked at all and was probably unlucky to have it happen twice but in the overall scheme of things he survived and lived as full a life as he could. A lucky man.

Mr. Tsutomu Yamaguchi

Mr. Tsutomu Yamaguchi

A little while ago a Chinese chap, Fan Lung, a married father of five forgot to log out of his wife’s email account after sending his mistress a bit of a steamy email along with (allegedly) photos of his willy. As you can guess, his wife discovered this email with attached willy shots and went into a terrible rage. While Fan Lung slept she grabbed a pair of scissors and cut her husbands dick off! Luckily for Fan Lung the hospital he attended following this incident were able to re attach his appendage. However, Mrs. Lung who was still doing her nut about her husbands infidelity decided she wasn’t having this so she crept into the hospital, found her husband and promptly cut his dick off again, lobbing the offending member out of the hospital window. She then legged it, closely pursued by Fan Lung who was literally pissing blood and none too happy. He caught his wife outside the hospital and proceeded to beat her until hospital staff stopped him. A search for the missing penis was conducted but no trace of it was found. It was thought that while this Fan Lung bloke was beating his wife up, a stray cat or dog happened along and scoffed it! Lucky or unlucky? I don’t really give a shit. I have no time for men who beat women up so I’m glad he’ll not get his knob sewn back on again. I wish his wife had cut his balls off too and fed them to a nearby animal. To my way of thinking, Fan Lung is a nasty piece of work and deserved everything he got.

Anyway, have a perfectly splendid day.

More Dick soon. (Unless you’re Fan Lung of course)