Category Archives: Family

My Family

I often forget what it says at the top of my blog thingy. “Life, The Universe and Everything That Matters to Me” and rabbit on about something trivial, so now to write about the most important thing in my life. Family. Obviously all the opinions stated are hugely biased and why not? They’re my opinions so I’m allowed to be biased.

Dick.

Terribly boring. Hasn’t got a clue about most things that involve any technology more sophisticated than clock work and has issues with that as well. Spends most of his time attempting to avoid carrying out the tasks that PIL, the love of his life asks him to do and wonders why she gets the hump with him. Boring job that pays the bills (just). Rough men stand ready and all that.

Taken a split second before face slapping the snow. Again!

Taken a split second before face slapping the snow. Again!

PIL.

Drop dead gorgeous and totally unaware of it. When she walks it looks like she’s chewing a toffee with her butt. Smashing! Has a really cool job up in London working for this huge multi national company that apparently searches for engines. I believe they search for all kinds of engines such as automobile engines, aero engines, motor cycle engines, marine engines and probably more. I think PIL specialises in marine engines for fishing fleets as she’s always on about “trawling the net” and stuff like that. Dress code seems to be pretty casual and I have to say she fills a pair of skinny jeans admirably.

It's a hard life

It’s a hard life

Ed.

Our eldest. An ambitious young man who has continuously set himself goals. For some years now, he has set his heart on working in the City of London and that’s exactly what he is doing now. It’s with a company that deals with all the Tier 1 banks (whatever they are) so he gets to see every aspect of the financial world and he’s loving every minute of it. The company he works for seems well structured with continuous training, a commitment to promoting from within plus well thought out expansion plans. The possibility of working in places like New York is strong which is another aspect he likes the sound of. He worked hard at school and at University to achieve his goals. Like his younger brother and sister, he not only worked hard but played hard too with a great deal of success on the playing fields at rugby, football, basketball and cricket. Crap at golf though. Ed isn’t the best when it comes to trains as we have often waited at our local station to pick him up only to get a call from him to say the train got lost and he is now twenty miles away and can we come and get him as he spent the cash he had for a cab down the pub!

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Greg.

Did well in his ‘A’ levels and won a place at Aberystwyth University to study Human Geography with Economics. Greg decided to have a gap year as he had been in the education system from the age of 3 and really fancied a break after 15 years. PIL and I were happy with this. Then, he discovered a course that really caught his imagination, International Relations. So, he changed his mind and went to college to take a further two A levels; World Development and Film Studies. The former because he had become fascinated by this subject and the latter because he had always been interested in movies. He has conditional offers to the Universities he has chosen. He now has to decide and accept an offer from the one he thinks will provide him with the best education and also the best sports facilities as Greg also played football, rugby, basketball and cricket for the school. He also ran cross-country. Like his older brother he is also crap at golf. A fascinating person with the ability to name the starting line ups for all the Premiership football teams, the defensive and offensive starting line ups for the NFL plus the starting line ups for all the NBA teams plus all the rugby teams in both hemispheres and yet cannot remember where the dish washer is, how to turn it on and where all the stuff goes when its finished and needs emptying!

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CJ.

Having only just become a teenager, CJ has a long school career ahead of her. Like her two brothers she loves school and all that it has to offer. That, to a great extent is down to the school. She is currently at the Junior school and plans to board at the senior school come September. She is currently studying for the Common Entrance exam that will allow her to do this. As well as being clever like her brothers, something they got from their mum rather than me, CJ is also like her brothers in being very sporty. In 2014 she took part in the schools cross-country race. She came second. Not, I hasten to add, second in the girls or her age group but second overall! Earlier this year she was asked to swim for the senior school in a major inter school competition. She rocked up expecting to swim for the under 14s and actually swam for the under 16s! She came third in the individual 50 metre backstroke and wiped the floor with the opposition in the backstroke leg of the 50 metre medley relay. She’s captain of the Netball team, plays hockey and was in the ‘A’ team a year early. She’s also House captain and it has to be said her school reports are brilliant. To top it all, she was awarded the David Gower Sports Scholarship to the senior school earlier this month against some really stiff competition. The future looks bright for her as well. Now all we can hope for is that as a boarder at the senior school, they will get her to clean her room up. Messy just doesn’t sum it up. She leaves a trail of discarded water bottles, Ben & Jerries ice cream containers, shin pads, hoodies, trainers and hockey sticks all over the house.

Getting ready for some sport or other

Getting ready for some sport or other

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PIL and I don’t really mind though, our kids are just bloody brilliant and we love them all to bits and we are so proud of everything they do. (Well almost everything. There have been one or twelve little episodes that we won’t go into here, the toe rags).

Dexter.

Of course Dexter is an integral part of our family. Every household should have a pet of some description, whether it be a dog or a cat or a gerbil or a budgie. A rat, a snake, a spider or lizard. Dexter is a lovely, stupid dog that we love to pieces. Except today when he decided to roll around in some pretty pungent badger crap! Bastard dog!

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Have a great day.

More Dick soon.

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Diet Update

It has to be said that I’m the sort of bloke who considers a working lunch should consist of a piece of meat wrapped up in bread. PIL has known this for years. So what has been in my lunch box this week? Bananas! A bunch of bananas! So now she thinks I’m a chimp! I remain extremely grateful to PIL for getting my lunch prepared each evening for the next day. I really do appreciate it but Bananas?  I’m trying to see if there’s a trait here or if she’s trying to tell me something.

 

 

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There are certain things I know she thinks about me:

 

Plank

She thinks I’m a bit of a plank.

 

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She thinks I’m pretty useless at D.I.Y.. She’s not wrong

 

 

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She thinks I’m just a little bit pervy because I like to see her in her underwear but she actually quite likes that. (Yes chaps. This is what she wears. Who’s a lucky boy?)

 

guinea pig

She thinks I’m a guinea pig because she gets me guinea pig food for breakfast and tells me it’s really something called Mews Lee. (Don’t forget she thinks I’m a plank).

 

parrot

And sometimes the Mews Lee she gets is actually parrot food. For variety of course. (Plank again)

 

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Then there’s the stuff PIL calls “salad” and I call rabbit food. (Plank)

 

 

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And now she thinks I’m a chimp by only letting me have bananas for lunch. (Plank)

 

Just give me chocolate!

 

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Dear Father Christmas,

 

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I have been a very good boy all year. 

I have been quite good

Ok, I’ve been a bit of a bastard but it’s all this rabbit and guinea pig food I’m being fed. Now, it’s the chimp food.

Please, please, please can I have a chocolate fountain for Christmas?

 

chocolate-fountain

 

I promise not to dunk my head in it. Ok, maybe I will once or twice but no more.

Thank you very, very much you old bugger   old goat splendid chap.

Dick Dastardly.

Now it’s time for me to go get my lunch ready for tomorrow while PIL is wrapped up in watching soaps! Ha! I hope there’s some pig or cow that I can wrap up in bread smothered with butter.

Bollocks! No bread!

Curses! Foiled again!

Have a great evening.

More Dick soon.

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Diet? Me?

In July, the tribe and I went on holiday to Florida where we had a blast. We also scoffed huge quantities of food. Eating in America is an experience that’s for sure.Heart Attack Grill

Portions were enormous and the food itself was smashing. Now I wasn’t exactly slim went we went. I was bloody enormous when we left.

Me. Before and after. Yeah. Right!

Me. Before and after. Yeah. Right! Maybe the one on the right.

A small elephant springs to mind! What’s that? A very large elephant? That’s not very nice is it? What do you mean ‘It’s true’? (I hate it when PIL is looking over my shoulder reading what I’m trying to write and making comments – usually rude and derogatory.) What? Look, when I write in italics it represents my thoughts and you’re not supposed to read my thoughts! Yes I know you’re a woman. Ok so as a woman you can always read a mans thoughts? It helps when they’re on the screen does it? (Will you bugger off and let me does this?) Oh dear. PIL has the hump now. I won’t be seeing her naked any time soon!!!fat-ass

fatarse

Anyway, on our return PIL decided to put me on a diet and it’s not fun. Breakfast is guinea pig food. PIL calls it “Mews Lee” but I think that’s just a posh word that the residents of Chelsea, Shoreditch and Shad Thames use as, due to the plum in their mouths, they can’t say “Guinea Pig Food”. We have two varieties I have to eat.  One of them has lots of seeds in it so that version looks like parrot food. They’re both awful. All my other meals are chicken and pasta and every now and again I can have pasta and chicken for a change. Sometimes, when I’ve been really good I can have spaghetti and chicken and, on occasion, taglaitelle with chicken. It makes a change from pasta but as to whether it’s a pleasant change is open to question! Some days, PIL will add rabbit food to my meal. She calls it “salad”. Must be those people living in Shad Thames again who call it that. However, the upshot of this so called “healthy diet” is that I’ve lost a ton of weight and my trousers don’t fit anymore. That’s all well and good if you’re 18 like my son Greg, wear a baseball cap back to front and are happy with the waistband of your trousers sagging under your arse.bumtrousers2

However, for a middle aged man like me…. Look, I’m middle aged. I am NOT old. I haven’t even got a bus pass yet. (Will you please let me get on with this in peace and quiet?) Where was I? (No, it’s NOT dementia setting in woman. You just made me lose my train of thought). Bloody hell, this is hard work! Anyway, for a middle aged man like me, back to front baseball caps and trousers hanging on the wrong side of my arse is NOT a good look. Hopefully, I’ll get some new clothes for Christmas or, if not, it’s off to the sales for me. I hate shopping.

On that note, from a skinny Dick, have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

Updates.

Well hello. I’ve been gone awhile but before I go into why and up date you on what’s been happening, a quick word for Claudia who, while thinking I’m a dick doesn’t believe I’m Dick Dastardly and not the author of this here blog. It was fun at Battersea wasn’t it girl and really nice to meet your twin sister?

That’s that sorted.

Work.

It has been manic at work over the last few months. We took on a new task and to say it’s cursed is probably an understatement. The internet signal on site is crap, the phone signal is crap, the equipment kept failing but worst of all, some of the staff were just absolutely bloody hopeless.IMG_1718

The work I do comes under a Home Office department and is regulated by them. One of the criteria is the ability to speak, read, write and understand English. Some native-born Brits that came along to work could probably manage one or two of those but all four? Jesus Christ, my bloody dog is more intelligent than some of the people who wanted to work for us. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that my dog’s POO was more intelligent than one or two of the amoeba brained Neanderthals that managed to find their way to site. Some couldn’t even manage that!

YES

YES!

Fortunately, the Boss and I have managed to resolve the equipment, internet and phone problems and we’ve got good blokes working on site now that don’t need to be constantly supervised. I’ve just spent the last week staying up in London working in Battersea Park. We had a task up there last year for the same company and I hope it happens again next October. It’s a blast. Hard and tiring work involving long hours but I was working with a team I put together, they were all guys I had worked with before and they were superb  professionals.

Battersea Park. Looking up towards Albert Gate

Battersea Park. Looking up towards Albert Gate

I like Battersea Park. The River Thames runs along one side, it has a children’s zoo, a pagoda, many beautiful trees and we were blessed with great weather.

Battersea Park looking towards Chelsea Bridge at about 0800

Battersea Park looking towards Chelsea Bridge at about 0800

I now have a few days off and have every intention of doing the absolute minimum possible although PIL may have a different view on that! A little light gardening may be about my lot. I will be writing separately about the progress taking place in our front garden.20150919_154811

 

Beard

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Yep. Still got it. Nowadays though I keep it under control with regular trims to keep it neat and tidy. Clit, PILs beaver, stills makes regular visits and it’s a delight when she comes. It can get a bit messy though as she’s a bit of a wild animal when she gets excited!

Dog

Dexter is still a bonkers dog. We had to put a mail box on the wall by the front door because he kept eating the post (and occasionally the post mans finger tips). He adores going walkies out in the boonies and I love taking him. He burns off energy at a tremendous rate while I get some peace and quiet so that I can put my head back together.

It's hard work going walkies

It’s hard work going walkies

Family

More news is breaking as I write on the family front so I’ll write about PIL, Ed, Greg and CJ once I’ve had all the up dates on that front.

Greg, Ed & CJ with Dexter

Greg, Ed & CJ with Dexter

Well peeps. I hope that this post has found you all fit and well. I will be writing again real soon with an update on the garden and possibly details on the progress in the House of Chaos.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

 

One Down, Plenty More To Go.

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My sister Boo is a very efficient person. She and her husband have to be. They own a small holding with a great many animals to care for.20150904_082538

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So when I arrived in Wales to look after their place I was given a great many important instructions. So, for instance, I know where the chocolate cake is.

The care and feeding of all the animals was carefully explained to me. The clucks and ducks get fed twice a day. One type of food in the morning and another in the afternoon. I know where all the bedding materials are, what to do with the eggs once they are collected, when the bin men come and how to divvy up the general rubbish with the recycling and what bags each go in.20150904_112504

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I know what to do with the crops in the poly tunnel, how often to water and what type of watering (deep root at present).20150904_112421

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However, Boo failed to give me one important piece of information and misled me on another. The misinformation first. She told me the battery powering the electric fence had no power left. Wrong! As I discovered when I brushed against the crotch high electric fence and received an electric shock to a part of my anatomy that no man should have shocked. Made my eyes water!20150904_084321

The information she forgot to give me was what the bloody hell do you do with a dead chicken?

When I let them out this morning one of them stayed in the hen house, so I gave it a poke and said;

“Oi you lazy bugger. Time to rise and shine.”

It stayed put. So I picked it up to discover rigor mortis had set in.

“Oh bugger!” was my first thought. Then I thought,

“What the fuck do I do with it now?”

Couldn’t eat it cos it wasn’t an eating chicken and I didn’t really fancy plucking, gutting and decapitating it. I’m not sure if you’re allowed to bury the damned things as it may be against the law as the carcass might pollute the water. I couldn’t just chuck it in one of the fields for the Kites and crows to eat. Well I could but the neighbours might get pissed about it. So what to do? I scratched my head. I scratched it again. I thought about it long and hard and after 3 or 4 seconds of thinking hard thoughts I put the carcass in a carrier bag, dumped it in the bin and let the bin men take it. They came today. Problem solved. I just hope any other critters that decide to snuff it do so in their sleep on a thursday night so they can go in the rubbish the next day. Unless its a bloody horse!20150904_084208

I think the bin men might notice if I binned a whole horse. Crikey, this farming lark is difficult. Decisions, decisions.

Time to go feed the animals again, water the crops, scratch Chalkys chest and throw his balls around the fields for him to chase.20150903_113235

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

It’s Only Me

I have absent from the blogging world for a little while and I’ve just realised how long it’s been since I posted anything since returning from my holidays. I’ve knocked out a couple since then in the mista…

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I’ve just realised what I have written! “Knocked out a couple”…..? What must you be thinking of me? That I sit in front of my screen having a Jodrell while waiting for inspiration to strike? Hahahahaha.

Jodrell Bank

Jodrell Bank

Rest assured that I don’t. You’ll have to take my word for it though.

Work has been manic since my return and we have a new task that has been proving to be a bit of a nightmare. I always love it when my boss phones up and says;

“Houston. We have a problem, don’t you”!!!

My Boss

My Boss

It always means that the soft brown stuff has hit the fan and it’s heading in my general direction.

Anyway, that aside I did intend writing about the progress, or lack of it, in my garden but I’m in Wales for the next few days looking after my sisters smallholding

Boo & Guptas smallholding taken from the fields towards the house

Boo & Guptas smallholding taken from the fields towards the house

and all her critters and crops.

There are three horses,20150902_113751

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a dozen ducks,20150902_113333

a large, indeterminate number of chickens (they’re always scuttling about making it impossible for me to count them)

This chicken is called "Mrs Bogbrush"

This chicken is called “Mrs Bogbrush”

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and a labrador called Chalky

Chalky. Along with his favourite balls

Chalky. Along with his favourite balls

along with a semi feral cat called Morgan.

Morgan

Morgan

Plus all kinds of fruit and vegetables to take care of.

By the time Boo and her husband Gupta get back from their holidays, I suspect there may be slightly fewer animals to deal with!

It’s lovely here and it’s been some years since I’ve been in this part of the world and it was really pleasant to be driving along and recognising village names from back in the day when I was in Wales most weekends for canoe races.QuentinBonnetainAction

I might just take a wander down to some of them for a look-see and remember my long-lost youth. In the meantime though, I’m busy feeding animals, clearing out hen houses, shovelling up horse muck and picking raspberries, strawberries, aubergines and that kind of stuff. It’s bloody brilliant!

Boo and Gupta live on the edge of a small village not far from the coast. All the locals seem to be called by their job names as their real surnames are all Jones. Or it might be Evans or Jenkins or some other Welsh surname. So the bloke who delivers logs for the wood burners that everyone has is called Dickie Log, the school cook is Betty Cook, the carpenter is called Dai Saer (Saer being Welsh for Carpenter) and his wife is called Betty Dai Saer. The landlady of  the local pub, The Commercial Inn, is run by a lady called Betty Commercial. There’s another bloke called Dai Buns who may be a baker but may not and the guy who keeps all the roadside hedges trimmed is called Eaun Hedge!!! The local farmer is called John Ty Mawr (Ty Mawr is Welsh for Home Farm) and so it goes on. Boo and Gupta are called Boo and Gupta Wyndarra because the name of their smallholding is Wyndarra! Wyndarra being Australian but that’s just like my sister to put a spanner in the works! Apparently, most of the women (of a certain age) are named Betty as that was the name of the midwife who delivered them all. Electricity arrived in the village in 1963 and some of the inhabitants here remember revising for their school exams by candle light! The Interweb is unbelievably slow and it is taking me bloody ages to download the photographs I’ve taken but do you know what? I think it fantastic here. Boo and Gupta (so-called because of his love of curry. Also known as “Stink” when he’s had a curry!) dreamt about having this life for many, many years and they achieved it 6 years ago and I envy them. It’s not easy but it is plain to see that they are living the dream.1926889_654140781288958_206925591_n

I have to go give the clucks their afternoon feed now, so on with my wellies (I brought them along in case I found any stray sheep!) and off into the fields, the fresh air, the rain and the wind to feed the animals and think some thoughts.

Have a smashing day.

More Dick soon.auto

Graduation

Last Tuesday PIL and I made our way to the University of East Anglia near Norwich for our eldest sons graduation ceremony. He graduated with a BSc in Business Management. He put a huge amount of effort both at school and while at Uni into getting that degree and I think he deserves it. Both PIL and I are immensely proud of him and what he has achieved. (We’re immensely proud of all three of our children). The ceremony itself was more formal that I expected with much doffing of hats and tugging of forelocks. Afterwards we all went into Norwich city centre for lunch at a restaurant our son had booked. A new era begins for him now.

I really don’t have the words to describe just how proud we both are. They say a picture paints a thousand words. So here’s a million words worth of photos we took during the day.

Just before the Graduation Ceremony

Just before the Graduation Ceremony

A very, very proud mum.

A very, very proud mum.

Waiting his turn.

Waiting his turn.

Going up to shake hands with the Chancellor

Going up to shake hands with the Chancellor

Degree in hand

Degree in hand

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With two of his mates afterwards waiting for the group photograph

With two of his mates afterwards waiting for the group photograph

I would love to know what the girl behind was saying!

I would love to know what the girl behind was saying!

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Gowns off at last!

Gowns off at last!

Our son

Our son

Have a great day.

 

More Dick soon.

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Post Holiday Post

I don’t know about you but I find that within ten minutes of returning to work, it’s like I’ve never been away! Having said that, the memories remain and what memories they are. We had a fantastic time in Florida. We did all the things we wanted to do although they weren’t necessarily the things we thought we would do and we didn’t do some of the things we intended to. That’s the nature of our holidays. We make plans and change them.

We’ve been a number of times before but despite that, returning to the Theme parks was no great hardship. We enjoy them immensely. All you need to remember is that it is likely to be hot and that you will walk many, many miles, so comfy footwear is a must.kids@harrypotter

PIL, CJ and I watched Ed and Greg playing golf and were full of admiration at how they were prepared to demonstrate to all and sundry just how monumentally bad they were.

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Having said that, they were both far better than the rest of us by a long way. At least they could hit the ball! They spent a lot of time searching for their balls, they hit houses, they may have hit a car or two, they plainly enjoyed playing from bunkers and from in amongst the trees.Elltreegolf

Both of them blamed their miscued shots on their selection of the wrong bat to hit the ball with and they both had an absolute blast!Elliott for par

During our travels around the course we found large numbers of balls lost by other players which made them feel a bit better about their own efforts. This feel good factor was increased by coming under attack from wayward golf balls from other golfers while we were lounging around our pool. On our last day, before going to the airport, we all played a round of crazy golf. PIL got a hole in one while I got hit by a ball fired off by someone on another part of the course.

We ate huge quantities of food. All of it was fantastic, the portions were enormous and we were given doggy boxes to take home what we couldn’t eat.The whole tribe eating again

At Animal Kingdom, we had lunch at the Rainforest Cafe.

The Rainforest Cafe

The Rainforest Cafe

At Magic Kingdom, we managed to get an early lunch at the Crystal Palace. At Universal we stuffed our faces at NBA City. At the Florida Mall we went to The Cheesecake Factory to eat. We stuffed our faces at a different place every day and every place was excellent. We drank Butter Beer at Harry Potter World and it was disgusting.wwohp-butterbeer

We got told off at one place because Ed had forgotten his I.D. so PIL ordered a beer on his behalf and we got caught. You have to be 21 to drink alcohol in the US and while Ed is 22, he still got asked for ID and it’s taken very seriously there. No ID, no alcohol! Oddly enough PIL and I never got asked for ID! Apart from beer and donuts, we also got food in so that we had meals at home too although I’m not too sure what “Turkey Bacon” is. Be prepared to put on weight although not as much as you think because of all the walking you do getting around the theme parks and shopping malls. Places like the Cheesecake Factory, Rainforest cafe and Crystal Palace are very popular so expect a wait if you haven’t booked a table in advance.

All the parks, whether they be theme parks or water parks get busy from early in the morning so ensure you get there in plenty of time so you can either get a good spot or beat some of the queues.BombBay2

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We purchased express passes for Universal and Disney. They don’t apply at Harry Potter World but work well in the rest of Universal.

Harry Potter World

Harry Potter World

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Not so good at Disney though as you are limited to the number of rides you can go on and it’s at specified times only that you have to book. Everyone of them is great fun though. We did have a bit of an issue at Universal with “technical problems” causing delays on some of the rides. We waited for ages to get on the Hogwarts ride because of this. We were stood under that bloody talking hat for a long time and every three minutes it would start its speech:

“You are about to start your journey…..”image2

We bloody weren’t! If I’d had a gun, I’d have shot the damned thing! A thousand people driven potty at Harry Potter World!

There are absolutely loads of things to do and every one of them is designed to part you from your money! However, it’s all worthwhile and we loved it.

Shopping is a breeze too. We took the minimum of clothes and bought loads more out there but with so many outlet centres, it worked out quite cheap to buy clothes and stuff. PIL got a beautiful Michael Kors handbag for a fraction of the cost back in the UK. Mind you they did have a sale on which saved another 40%. And yes, in a very short length of time, she has lost her house keys, car keys, phone and tablet somewhere in the depths of that bag as well as her make up bag, purse and $6 in change.

We stayed in a fantastic house with it’s own swimming pool so if we didn’t feel like going anywhere, we could just stay at home and slob out in the pool area. Just be aware that the wildlife like living there too!

Sam the Snake

Sam the Snake

Lizards are there in abundance and so are snakes as we discovered on a couple of occasions. Plus there are all kinds of weird insects. (Well, weird to us).

It ain’t cheap but my advise to anyone is to go. You will have the time of your life and have great memories (and a gazillion photos) to remind you of one of the best times you ever had.

PIL organised the whole thing and she did an excellent job of it.image1

It’s no wonder I wish she wasn’t my ex wife! Thanks PIL, we all had a great time thanks to you and we all love you to bits.

Thanks mum. I had a great time. I love you.xxxx

Thanks mum. I had a great time. I love you.xxxx

Thanks mum. I had a fantastic holiday. I love you xxxx

Thanks mum. I had a fantastic holiday. I love you xxxx

Thanks mum. I had an awesome time. I love you xxxx

Thanks mum. I had an awesome time. I love you xxxx

Thanks PIL. I had a stupendous time. I love you xxxx

Thanks PIL. I had a stupendous time. I love you xxxx

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

Home Again

We’re home.deflated-balloon-628x363-628x330

Boo.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.

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Stitched Up Good and Proper.

Before I start on today’s post there are a couple of things that I’ve forgotten to write about in previous posts and I feel it necessary to cover these particular aspects of our holiday.

First of all, if you go to the Harry Potter part of Universal, be aware that Butter Beer tastes like…well, shit really! I have no idea what shit tastes like but if I was to take a guess then I would say shit tastes like Butter Beer or, if you prefer, what I said originally – Butter Beer tastes like shit.wwohp-butterbeer

All five of us tried it and the more profane of us concluded that it does indeed taste like shit while the females of the tribe declared their disgust for it in a slightly more lady like manner:

“Bloody disgusting.” said PIL.

“Foul, disgusting stuff.” said CJ.

“Tastes like shit.” said Ed.

“Ed!” said PIL

“Yeah. Tastes like shit.” said Greg

“Greg!” said PIL

“Fuckin’ horrible.” I said

“Dick!” said PIL

“Dad!” said CJ.

“Ok. Sorry.” I said. “Still tastes like shit though!”

“Dad!” said CJ

“Dad’s right.” said Ed. “It’s fuckin’ horrible.”

“Ed!” said PIL

“Ed!” said CJ

Anyway, as you can see, we didn’t like it. 5 out of 5 considered it foul. You may think differently but I would suggest that you buy ONE SMALL Butter Beer and try that before investing a shit load of money for a drink that in my opinion, tastes like shit.

Secondly, if you go to Typhoon Lagoon take your own music (phone or iPod) and good head phones . Unless you are a huge fan of 60s California surfing songs that blare out on a continuous loop that repeats every 2 hours, you will go nuts within hours because that’s all that’s played and you can only listen to “Daddy taking the T.Bird away” so many times.typoonlagoon

I wholeheartedly recommend both these places as tremendous fun and not to be missed but just be aware of what I’ve said here.

Today I started the day with another 1.2 mile run. This time CJ came with me as the lazy toad known as Greg was fast akip in his pit still. After breakfast and showers we headed off to Wet n’ Wild. We’ve never been here before so weren’t sure what to expect. We were not disappointed though. It was smashing. There were lots of water rides that the kids went on straight away while PIL and I sorted out the loungers and chairs and made like Germans by covering everything with towels. After about an hour the kids came back and started telling us about the rides they’d been on. They harped on about this ride called the H2O Disco ride and said it was great fun.Wet-N-Wild-Water-World-54698-735x400

“Dad. You really must have a go. It’s got really loud 1970s disco music playing the whole way down. You’ll love it(!!!!!)”

Eventually I agreed to have a go. Ed said he wasn’t going this time round as he wanted to top up his tan. He said it with a huge smile on his face. Greg and CJ were beaming too. ( I should have guessed something was afoot). So off we went and joined the end of the queue for this allegedly fantastic ride.

“So what happens?” I asked

“OH Dad it’s great. You get in this 4 person rubber ring thing and shoot off down the slide. Some of the time it’s in a dark tunnel thing and then it’s outside then it goes back inside the tunnel and finishes off in the pool. It’s great. You’ll love it.”

“Yeah Dad, and all the way down they play disco music really loudly.”

“But I don’t like disco music.” I said

“That’s ok Dad. It doesn’t matter. They only play it loud so no one can hear you screaming.”

“What?”

“Never mind Dad. We’re there now.”

“No” I responded. “What’s this about not hearing you scream?”

Whereupon the guard at the top of the ride gestured us forward ready to take our places in the rubber ring thingy.

“Right Dad. You stand on the number 1. We’ll stand on 3 and 4. That way the weight is evened out.”

“Cheeky bugger” I thought. “Why is the guard smiling like he’s just toked a whole spliff on his own?”

We got on. Then the ground suddenly disappeared from below us and we shot off somewhere. I was facing back up the ride throughout and a) had no idea what was happening until it happened to me, b) all I could see was Greg and CJ laughing their heads off and c) I was probably screaming like a girl but due to the VERY loud 1970s disco music, I couldn’t be sure.BombBay2

Finally, after what felt like an hour or so we ended up in the pool at the end of this ridiculous water slide thing. The kids were wetting themselves with laughter. I was so exhausted from all the screaming I’d screamed that they had to help me out of the pool and escort me back to PIL and Ed. PIL had a huge grin on her face so it was fairly obvious that Ed had told her what was going to happen. The buggers had conspired on the way back earlier to stitch me up like a kipper and they had. There I was thinking that PIL and I had succeeded as parents in bringing up three civilised human beans. Wrong!

Today is our last full day in Florida as we catch the evening flight back to the UK tomorrow. Ed, Greg and I are finishing off the beer before going to bed. PIL has drunk the last of the wine and gone to bed.

We have had a truly wonderful time. We will return again soon. Next time though, we may not have all the kids with us. Ed is 22 now, finished Uni and about to start work. He may decide that he wants to holiday elsewhere with other people. We shall see. Greg is 18. He’s about to start Uni. Who knows what he will decide. CJ will come with us though as she’s still not old enough to holiday alone. I hope that our kids will all join us on holiday again. PIL and I love having them around. They are great company (somewhat annoying at times though) and both PIL, CJ and I will miss them.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.

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