I Remember. Part 4.

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I remember that when I took the decision to buy a house so that she and our children had somewhere to live where they would feel and be safe, quite a few people I knew thought I was nuts. Their attitude was “She made her bed. Now she has to lie in it.” Their attitude was reinforced by the knowledge that I would be taking on even more responsibility as I am not CJs biological father.  He had taken the decision not to bother. I accepted that responsibility quite happily and consider CJ to be my daughter. She considers me to be her Daddy.

I remember that for me, it was a simple solution. Some people have said that I did a remarkable thing but I don’t. I saw it as something that needed to be done. She had stopped loving me but I had not stopped loving her. Emotions are not something to just turn on and off as required.lovenoteObviously, there was an up side for me here too. If she was happy for me to stay there then i would see so much more of her and our children. She was happy for me to stay. So I did.

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I remember we moved into our new home. We each had our own room. I admit to taking the largest as mine but felt that there may well be times when I needed to be apart from them to give them space if they needed it. It rarely has. Mostly, it’s been me that needed a bit of space! There have been many times when it’s been a struggle not just emotionally but financially and socially as well but we have all just got on and done what needed to be done. There are times when I wonder to myself if it would have been better if I had just let her deal with all the crap on her own because she would have got through it all I’m sure but I don’t regret it one iota. We work well together.  We’re like Forrest and Jenni. We are like peas and carrots.

There are many times when I do still get very depressed because we’re not a couple. Sometimes I see a couple walking along holding hands and every now and again that will set me off just because we don’t hold hands and I’d love to do that.

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I’d love love to caress her face and her hair.  I would love for her to want to do that to me. It’s not to be and I pick myself up again, dust myself down and continue with my life.

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At the moment I think the count stands at 347.  I now live by this little 6 word motto. Whatever crap comes my way and knocks me down, I will always but always get up again. My life ain’t so bad!

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who responded to my previous three posts on this subject. The response was really overwhelming. To my friends who know who I am who contacted me to make sure I was ok, especially Bunsen and Princess Natalie, rest assured that after 15 years I know how to cope with and deal with my dark moments. To my interweb friends, Lily Moose, Monkey Boy and Tessa, thank you for your words of encouragement. It was a very difficult topic to write about and your encouragement helped me to get through it.

Am I better person for my experiences? I have no idea. I don’t know what I would be like if they hadn’t happened. My sister tells me I am a good man and that’s good enough for me.

Do I feel better for having written about this subject and got it off my chest? No. Writing this stirred up all kinds of memories, both good and bad. There was stuff I discovered so deeply buried that I had forgotten it was there until I started poking around in my memory. It’s probably not something I would do again as it hurts. As for those who say “Time heals”, I can assure you it doesn’t. For me, and I imagine for others who have suffered in the same way, the pain never goes away. As time goes on it becomes background noise as you grow used to it but it never goes. It may not be as raw but it’s there.

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On that note, the family is due home soon. I’m looking forward to seeing them and I think I need to start thinking about burning some food for dinner. Take care.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.

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8 responses to “I Remember. Part 4.

  1. You may not think that what you did was remarkable in any way, and it isn’t, because ‘remarkable doesn’t even come close to describing what you did for the sake of your family. I don’t even have the words to convey my emotions for the strength and courage you’ve shown in sharing your story and for all that you’ve been through. (and continue to go through)
    There are people the world over seeking, a heart that is as loyal, as true and as full of love as yours.
    You are a truly amazing man Mr D, and nothing you say, will ever make me feel otherwise.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lily, thank you for that. Like I said in that post loving someone can’t just be switched off like a light or a tap. It’s never stopped for me. The encouragement you gave me (actually, if I remember correctly, you DEMANDED I wrote Part 2 and who am I to argue?), helped me finish because I found it hard and quite upsetting to dredge through my emotions and dig up memories that I really didn’t want dug up.

      I know that your own life hasn’t been exactly easy has it? Yet you continue to do what you need to do and, if your blog is anything to go by, you do it with a smile on your face (mostly) and bring a great deal of pleasure to many people.

      Shall we start up our own Admiration Society? Founder members: Lily Moose and Dick Dastardly!

      Have a great evening girlie

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s a good thing that you come up in my email, because the curse of WordPress has struck again and you’re not showing up in my feeds.

        Oh I did demand it, didn’t I? In writing about life’s events, we also re-live them in our minds, bringing back the memories and emotions of that time. That really wasn’t fair of me, but I found your story so compelling and so heartfelt. I can only apologise Mr D, for my part in that, especially as the end result didn’t make you feel any better for doing it.

        Thanks so much for the compliment. It means a lot coming from you. Although I think that any group that has us two in it, will soon descend into chaos.

        Have a great day. And I meant every word I wrote about you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely no need to apologise. A demand from you is always welcome. I think. Unless its for payment.
        You are right although “chaos” probably isn’t a strong enough term for what it would descend into. Probably the gates of Hades with the cute dogs.
        I seem to be having the same problem as I’ve just discovered a post by you (or Spawn) but as I’m working somewhere with crap internet, I cant open the bloody thing. Well, I assume thats why
        Thank you for your words. I know you meant them as you strike me as someone who doesn’t mince them and is only says what she means. I too meant every word about you as you have been through so much yourself and yet here you are still bringing sunshine into peoples lives. You always cheer me up anyway.
        Enough of this already. Normal piss taking service needs to be resumed forthwith.
        Have a great day and thanks.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending slobbery kisses xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your sister is right. You are a good man. You should pay attention to what she says!

    Liked by 1 person

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