Monthly Archives: January 2016

I Remember. Part 4.

Posted on January 14, 2016 | 8 comments

I remember that when I took the decision to buy a house so that she and our children had somewhere to live where they would feel and be safe, quite a few people I knew thought I was nuts. Their attitude was “She made her bed. Now she has to lie in it.” Their attitude was reinforced by the knowledge that I would be taking on even more responsibility as I am not CJs biological father. He had taken the decision not to bother. I accepted that responsibility quite happily and consider CJ to be my daughter. She considers me to be her Daddy.

I remember that for me, it was a simple solution. Some people have said that I did a remarkable thing but I don’t. I saw it as something that needed to be done. She had stopped loving me but I had not stopped loving her. Emotions are not something to just turn on and off as required. lovenote Obviously, there was an up side for me here too. If she was happy for me to stay there then i would see so much more of her and our children. She was happy for me to stay. So I did.

I remember we moved into our new home. We each had our own room. I admit to taking the largest as mine but felt that there may well be times when I needed to be apart from them to give them space if they needed it. It rarely has. Mostly, it’s been me that needed a bit of space! There have been many times when it’s been a struggle not just emotionally but financially and socially as well but we have all just got on and done what needed to be done. There are times when I wonder to myself if it would have been better if I had just let her deal with all the crap on her own because she would have got through it all I’m sure but I don’t regret it one iota. We work well together. We’re like Forrest and Jenni. We are like peas and carrots.

There are many times when I do still get very depressed because we’re not a couple. Sometimes I see a couple walking along holding hands and every now and again that will set me off just because we don’t hold hands and I’d love to do that.

I’d love love to caress her face and her hair. I would love for her to want to do that to me. It’s not to be and I pick myself up again, dust myself down and continue with my life.

At the moment I think the count stands at 347. I now live by this little 6 word motto. Whatever crap comes my way and knocks me down, I will always but always get up again. My life ain’t so bad!

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who responded to my previous three posts on this subject. The response was really overwhelming. To my friends who know who I am who contacted me to make sure I was ok, especially Bunsen and Princess Natalie, rest assured that after 15 years I know how to cope with and deal with my dark moments. To my interweb friends, Lily Moose, Monkey Boy and Tessa, thank you for your words of encouragement. It was a very difficult topic to write about and your encouragement helped me to get through it.

Am I better person for my experiences? I have no idea. I don’t know what I would be like if they hadn’t happened. My sister tells me I am a good man and that’s good enough for me.

Do I feel better for having written about this subject and got it off my chest? No. Writing this stirred up all kinds of memories, both good and bad. There was stuff I discovered so deeply buried that I had forgotten it was there until I started poking around in my memory. It’s probably not something I would do again as it hurts. As for those who say “Time heals”, I can assure you it doesn’t. For me, and I imagine for others who have suffered in the same way, the pain never goes away. As time goes on it becomes background noise as you grow used to it but it never goes. It may not be as raw but it’s there.

On that note, the family is due home soon. I’m looking forward to seeing them and I think I need to start thinking about burning some food for dinner. Take care.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.

8 Comments

Posted in Life

Tagged caress, daddy, daughter, depression, emotions, good man, holding hands, hurt, life ain't bad, love, pain, time heals, up side

I Remember. Part 3

Posted on January 7, 2016 | 11 comments

…..But now there’s wrinkles around my baby’s eyes

And she cries herself to sleep at night

When I come home the house is dark

She sighs “Baby did you make it all right?”

She sits on the porch of her daddy’s house

But all her pretty dreams are torn

She stares off alone into the night

With the eyes of one who hates for just being born

For all the shut-down strangers and hot-rod angels

Rumbling through this promised land

Tonight my baby and me we’re gonna ride to the sea

And wash these sins off our hands……..

Racing in the Street from the album Darkness on the Edge of Town.

Bruce Springsteen. 1978

I remember the woman I love was frightened and scared. Our children who lived with her picked up on this and after seeing what their Mums new partner was capable of they were scared too. They lived their lives in one bedroom of their rented house and pretended not to be in. Just in case he came again. He seemed to think that because she rented, he had every right to come and go as he pleased.

I remember thinking “This won’t do.” I couldn’t be there all the time. So I decided that the only way to deal with this was to buy a house where they could live and where I could live to. I did that and they moved in. He turned up one day when I was in. I answered the door and told him to go and he left, never to be seen by me again.

I remember that she and I talked about this slightly odd situation. Our neighbours think we’re man and wife and it makes it easier that way.

I remember that I told her she was safe now and that as long as she wanted, she and our children could stay. I would never make a move on her no matter how tempted I might be. And boy, have I been tempted.

I remember that we’ve been here for over a decade now. The woman and children that I love so very much are here and safe. I get to see them all a lot. To see them and to talk to them and sometimes to hug them all. I wish them ‘Good night’ and say ‘Good morning’ and ‘Have a great day’. We celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. I watched my children grow up. Am I happy? I’m happier than I would have been. It isn’t perfect but it’s what I have and that will have to do. After all, who knows what tomorrow might bring? We both get on together. I think she sometimes thinks in her head that I’m an idiot but I know in her heart she cares a lot and perhaps what’s in her heart is love.

More Dick soon.

11 Comments

Posted in Life

Tagged being scared, Bruce Springsteen, Darkness on the Edge of Town, Racing in the street, safety

A Change of Pace

Posted on January 7, 2016 | 2 comments

PIL often leaves me a list of things to do when I’m at home. Today I made up my own. I have a ton to do but this is a good start.

Now please excuse me. I have a badass day to get started on. But first, where’s that coffee?

Now that’s a coffee!

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.

2 Comments

Posted in Humour, Life

Tagged badass day, coffee

I Remember. Part 2.

Posted on January 7, 2016 | 9 comments

I remember being aware that things in our marriage had not been going well for a month or two but I wasn’t terribly concerned as we loved each other didn’t we?

I remember assuming she understood why I was doing the things I was doing and working all the hours possible. I was wrong.

I remember her saying she wanted to have a serious chat with me. I don’t remember exactly when it was now but I remember quite distinctly where it took place. I sat next to her and she told me she didn’t love me any more and that she wanted a divorce. She cried while she told me.

I remember being speechless. My whole being was screaming at me to say something and to put this right and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t speak.

I remember her saying it wasn’t me, it was her that had changed and she assured me there was no one else. I knew that very soon I would wake up from this God awful nightmare. I still haven’t.

I remember that shortly afterwards, I watched her and our children driving away from what had been our home. I stood at the door and I did nothing to stop them going. I was frozen. I watched them go and I did nothing to stop them going.

I remember thinking as I shut the door;

“How the bloody hell did you manage to screw that up?”

I remember I cried. I cried tears for days and I cried out with the pain and the agony that I felt. I still do. I see a couple walking along holding hands or I hear a particular song on the radio and it brings back the pain.

I remember my whole world started to unravel very, very quickly and I fell to bits. I was devastated. I was crushed. How could I have not seen this developing and done something about it? How could I be so stupid? So cocksure?

I remember getting absolutely wasted and staying like that for some days.

I remember the loneliness. God. How I remember the loneliness.

I remember finding out that there was indeed someone else and I remember the anger I felt at the deception. We had never lied to each other and this was a low blow and the anger and bitterness swelled up inside me.

I remember how the anger faded. If this is what makes the woman I love happy then I really ought to go with that. I wanted her to be happy more than anything else and if it destroyed me in the process then so be it.

I remember the help and wisdom and support I got from my sister and her husband. Boo and Gupta saw me through some pretty dark days and they were always there for me. They still are. Boo, more than anyone else, knows what I went through and what I still go through every day. They are both the most incredible and kind people.

I remember that she never once stopped me from seeing our children whenever I wanted and to take them abroad on holiday but it broke my heart again every time I walked away from them. And from her.

I remember I didn’t eat very often and then after years I thought to myself that I really should put myself back together again. I was unrecognisable to the person I used to be.

I remember that I didn’t know where to start. How do you put a puzzle back together again if many of the pieces are gone? They’re missing never to return. Other pieces that had never been there before appeared and got slotted in somewhere. I had to work from the ground up. I didn’t know what to do with the pieces I kind of recognised let alone how to deal with the bits I didn’t.

I remember eventually returning to something approaching normal. Some people say that a Piscean is never actually what you see on the outside and that was true of me then and also of me now. The happy person cracking jokes on the outside that people see is concealing the utter mess and turmoil on the inside.

I remember getting into a relationship with another woman. It was nice but there was no spark and it didn’t last long.

I remember her relationship started to go wrong. It had been going wrong for a while, but I wasn’t pleased. The woman I love was in turmoil and as her relationship grew ever more sour, it started to become violent and as I was to find out, he had used violence for some time. She is no angel but violence towards women is a no-no in my book.

I remember getting a phone call from her. She was scared. The children were at school and she was under threat. I left to go there. She rang while I was on my way to say he was now going to attack me if I came, so don’t come. I still went.

I remember that despite being half my age and twice my size we fought. He needed to know that to attack her was to attack me and consequences for his actions were involved.

I remember that they decided to live apart and she rented a nice house for her and the children to live in. I would visit as would he. I would bring the boys back from football on a sunday and mow the grass and we would have lunch. He was often there. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with this but I saw my children and I saw her and spent time in their company.

I remember one sunday I was there and they had argued and she didn’t want to see him that day. He turned up.I said he wasn’t welcome today and it kicked off again. In front of my children! I didn’t want them to see this. I got him out of the house but I took some damage doing it. A lengthy visit to A&E was involved. I don’t ever remember seeing him again after that.

I remember that after that incident she and our children lived in fear of him turning up again but I wasn’t allowed to stay and protect them.

I remember thinking; “This really won’t do.”

More Dick soon.

I’m not sure I can continue. I will try.

9 Comments

Posted in Life

Tagged depression, domestic violence, heart broken, loneliness, love

I Remember. Part 1

Posted on January 5, 2016 | 26 comments

I remember the first time I saw her. I had just started a new job. She had been on holiday. She walked into my life with that lithe, fluid self-confident way I have always admired.

I remember thinking she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

I remember what she was wearing the first time I saw her. A white blouse, black heels and a short black skirt that showed off her long, tanned legs.

I remember hearing her speak for the first time .

I remember the first time I heard her laugh. Her voice and her laughter were magical.

I remember seeing her that first day and being utterly enthralled, completely smitten.

I remember every molecule of my being wanting her, wanting to know everything about her in every detail.

I remember that first day I saw her as being the day I fell in love.

I remember there were difficulties. I was a few years older. We were both in relationships. But I had seen the fire in her eyes and she had seen the fire in mine so nothing was insurmountable. We started going out and it was bliss.

I remember the first time we kissed. Her lips were moist and soft. Our mouths were a perfect match. Our tongues were agile. Time stopped.

I remember the first time we made love. Where we were. Every detail. We went to Heaven and saw God and he said;

“Go back and keep doing that dude and dudette. Come up to Heaven whenever you want.”

So we did. We went and saw Him all the time. We made love everywhere and whenever we could. We made love in cars. In bed. On the kitchen table. On the sofa. On the stairs. In the shower. We even made love in the bedroom of a showhouse with the sales staff downstairs.

I remember the day we moved into our first home together.

I remember the day we got married and how we were both on top of the world.

I remember the walks we went on and the joy we had in each others company and how we missed each other when we were apart.

I remember how we worked hard at our respective jobs and how she encouraged me to start up on my own. How we became successful in our work and enjoyed the spoils of our good fortune and hard work.

I remember seeing our children being born and how seeing them being born was the best experience I have ever had. It may not have been quite so great for her at the time but she loves them to bits. She always has and she always will.

I remember always being mesmerised by her eyes. Sometimes they were grey, other times they were blue and on other days they were green. The fire was always there.

I remember working hard to maintain our life style. To be able to live in a nice house set in acres of land bounded by a stream. To be able to give our children a great education. To have nice cars and holidays.

I remember being intent on “chasing the money” to the exclusion of everything else.

I remember now in hindsight that I didn’t see the fire in her eyes start to flicker and fade.

More Dick soon.

Part 2 may follow soon.