Diet Update

It has to be said that I’m the sort of bloke who considers a working lunch should consist of a piece of meat wrapped up in bread. PIL has known this for years. So what has been in my lunch box this week? Bananas! A bunch of bananas! So now she thinks I’m a chimp! I remain extremely grateful to PIL for getting my lunch prepared each evening for the next day. I really do appreciate it but Bananas?  I’m trying to see if there’s a trait here or if she’s trying to tell me something.





There are certain things I know she thinks about me:



She thinks I’m a bit of a plank.



She thinks I’m pretty useless at D.I.Y.. She’s not wrong




She thinks I’m just a little bit pervy because I like to see her in her underwear but she actually quite likes that. (Yes chaps. This is what she wears. Who’s a lucky boy?)


guinea pig

She thinks I’m a guinea pig because she gets me guinea pig food for breakfast and tells me it’s really something called Mews Lee. (Don’t forget she thinks I’m a plank).



And sometimes the Mews Lee she gets is actually parrot food. For variety of course. (Plank again)



Then there’s the stuff PIL calls “salad” and I call rabbit food. (Plank)




And now she thinks I’m a chimp by only letting me have bananas for lunch. (Plank)


Just give me chocolate!




Dear Father Christmas,


father christmas


I have been a very good boy all year. 

I have been quite good

Ok, I’ve been a bit of a bastard but it’s all this rabbit and guinea pig food I’m being fed. Now, it’s the chimp food.

Please, please, please can I have a chocolate fountain for Christmas?




I promise not to dunk my head in it. Ok, maybe I will once or twice but no more.

Thank you very, very much you old bugger   old goat splendid chap.

Dick Dastardly.

Now it’s time for me to go get my lunch ready for tomorrow while PIL is wrapped up in watching soaps! Ha! I hope there’s some pig or cow that I can wrap up in bread smothered with butter.

Bollocks! No bread!

Curses! Foiled again!

Have a great evening.

More Dick soon.


13 responses to “Diet Update

  1. You certainly are a lucky boy. I’d be looking too…if I could just get these bloody infra-red cameras working…

    Well done for still sticking to the diet. You are a much better man than I…wait…did I just call myself a man? *scratches beard and burps loudly*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Are you saying burping maketh man? In that case all the women I know must be transgender! As for the beard, I’m sure it suits you even if it makes you look like my Auntie Doreen.

      Between you, me and the gatepost, I don’t always stick to the diet. I don’t eat Mucky Dees but I did have a large pepperoni pizza from Dominos the other week. Yes. All of it! And I worked my way through a packet of chocolate orange pieces with exploding candy. Smashing. Try as I might, I find it impossible to be good all the time. Does wine count against you in a diet? If it does, I buggered it up completely last night. Excuse me while I go inspect some porcelain.

      Have a lovely day girlie.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nope, I was just noting down my bad habits. And let’s face it, if it doesn’t come out of one end, then it’s got to come out the other. I know, how classy am I? I’m aiming to grow a beard like my Aunty M, although hers is more of a goatee than a full beard, but damn it’s stylish.

        Does PIL know that you’ve been cheating on her with a Dominos Pizza and exploding candy chocs…I bloody love those! Ooh if it’s a fruity wine, then you can just count it towards your five a day.

        Porcelain? You buy some china plates. 😉 You have a good day too Mr D.

        Liked by 1 person

      • No. I meant that all that wine last night had an adverse effect on me! Hope you’ve had breakfast.

        That was a very short list of bad habits girl. Mine goes on forever and ever. Amen.

        I think PIL knows. The slice of pepperoni she found in my beard may have given it away.

        Well, the wine I drank was made with grapes so I guess that counts towards my 5 a day. Now there’s a thought. Beer. Made with hops and other vegetation plus water. That has to be good for you then. There are more than several bottles of Stella in the fridge. I better be healthy and drink it. Cheers. Or as they say in Switzerland “Bollocks”. No. They really do. It may not be spelt like that but that’s what it sounds like. Hahaha.

        Exploding chocolate! It’s the best isn’t it? It was on special offer in Sainsburys. Only a quid a bag. I might go and get several more,

        Got to go wrap up a gazillion presents now. I’ll need beer to help me through that task.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m trying to attract people to me, not repel them. If I listed ALL of my bad habits, the government will put an embargo out on my arse and all trading will cease.

        See, now you’re getting it. Everything out there can be good for you. Chocolate contains milk, so that’s your calcium intake. Fruity flavoured sweets, your 5 a day. Beer has your hops, barley, rye and wheat and Sugar gives you energy.

        I’ve decided I’m not doing presents this year. With 11 nephews and nieces, it’s much cheaper to just line their Christmas cards with cash, with which I will not be thanked.

        I’m off to get a cup of coffee, so as the Swiss say, Bollocks to you too. 🙂


      • I’m sure an embargo on your arse would look very nice in indeed! Much nicer than a tattoo.

        Where would we be without coffee? Or beer. Or wine. Christ that would be a ‘mare and we all be so incredibly unhealthy missing out on all that fruit and veg. The Starbucks near to where I work opens at 5.30am every day so it’s always my first port of call.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Bananas for dessert or snack, yes? Main course, no.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree. PIL takes the attitude that it’s a snack rather than lunch and that I will be stuffing my face with either chicken and pasta or pasta and chicken later when I get home. Who am I to argue? I never win anyway and to be honest, while I would prefer meat tucked up in bread (wholegrain with loads of seeds)I quite like bananas so I don’t really mind. By the way, loved yourlast post. I will show it PIL as a subtle hint.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The Ranting Monkey

    I was never a fan of sexy undies. I’ve never been as concerned with the wrapping as I am with the present inside.

    Liked by 1 person

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