It’s Christmas Eve and I’m sitting at home working my way through another bottle of a rather splendid Pinot Grigio. The family are in bed asleep and are all around me but I feel strangely alone. Something that I often feel. I’m listening to ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ by The Boss, Bruce Springsteen. I guess that everyone has an album that they think sums up their life. This one is mine. Listen to “Racing in the Street”. That track sums up my life. The title track comes close too.
Have a absolutely splendid Christmas. Take care.
More Dick soon.
This dieting malarky seems to have had some unfortunate side effects. Not only have my belly and arse shrunk but other parts of my anatomy have too. I understand that parts of a blokes body shrink in the cold. I was doing a”proper bloke” thing earlier and was scratching my balls and remember thinking,
“Hmmm. Smaller than I recall. I hope it’s cos it’s cold. I could do without testicular shrinkage right now.”
My work colleague, Banzai, was able to confirm it was the freezing weather rather than my age or diet. Thank God for that!
I hasten to add that much as he would have liked to, Banzai didn’t actually physically check me out.
No, it wasn’t that problem that concerned me.
I took some selfies the other day for reasons I no longer remember. I looked at them today and on looking at one I thought
“Bloody hell! My ears are big! I’m sure they were never that large.”
I concluded that my ears aren’t really that big but rather, due to my rabbit and guinea pig food diet allied with the chimp food for lunch, my bloody head has shrunk as well as well as my gut! Bugger!
Just for a change I thought you would like to see a more realistic photo of Dick Dastardly.
Have a brilliant day.
More Dick soon.
It has to be said that I’m the sort of bloke who considers a working lunch should consist of a piece of meat wrapped up in bread. PIL has known this for years. So what has been in my lunch box this week? Bananas! A bunch of bananas! So now she thinks I’m a chimp! I remain extremely grateful to PIL for getting my lunch prepared each evening for the next day. I really do appreciate it but Bananas? I’m trying to see if there’s a trait here or if she’s trying to tell me something.
There are certain things I know she thinks about me:
She thinks I’m a bit of a plank.
She thinks I’m pretty useless at D.I.Y.. She’s not wrong
She thinks I’m just a little bit pervy because I like to see her in her underwear but she actually quite likes that. (Yes chaps. This is what she wears. Who’s a lucky boy?)
She thinks I’m a guinea pig because she gets me guinea pig food for breakfast and tells me it’s really something called Mews Lee. (Don’t forget she thinks I’m a plank).
And sometimes the Mews Lee she gets is actually parrot food. For variety of course. (Plank again)
Then there’s the stuff PIL calls “salad” and I call rabbit food. (Plank)
And now she thinks I’m a chimp by only letting me have bananas for lunch. (Plank)
Just give me chocolate!
Dear Father Christmas,
I have been a very good boy all year.
I have been quite good
Ok, I’ve been a bit of a bastard but it’s all this rabbit and guinea pig food I’m being fed. Now, it’s the chimp food.
Please, please, please can I have a chocolate fountain for Christmas?
I promise not to dunk my head in it. Ok, maybe I will once or twice but no more.
Thank you very, very much you
old bugger old goat splendid chap.
Now it’s time for me to go get my lunch ready for tomorrow while PIL is wrapped up in watching soaps! Ha! I hope there’s some pig or cow that I can wrap up in bread smothered with butter.
Bollocks! No bread!
Curses! Foiled again!
Have a great evening.
More Dick soon.
Posted in Family, Humour
Tagged banana, Bugs Bunny, chimp, chocolate fountain, chocolate mmmmm, diet, DIY, fat arse, Father Christmas, healthy food, parrot, stockings, underwear