Diet? Me?

In July, the tribe and I went on holiday to Florida where we had a blast. We also scoffed huge quantities of food. Eating in America is an experience that’s for sure.Heart Attack Grill

Portions were enormous and the food itself was smashing. Now I wasn’t exactly slim went we went. I was bloody enormous when we left.

Me. Before and after. Yeah. Right!

Me. Before and after. Yeah. Right! Maybe the one on the right.

A small elephant springs to mind! What’s that? A very large elephant? That’s not very nice is it? What do you mean ‘It’s true’? (I hate it when PIL is looking over my shoulder reading what I’m trying to write and making comments – usually rude and derogatory.) What? Look, when I write in italics it represents my thoughts and you’re not supposed to read my thoughts! Yes I know you’re a woman. Ok so as a woman you can always read a mans thoughts? It helps when they’re on the screen does it? (Will you bugger off and let me does this?) Oh dear. PIL has the hump now. I won’t be seeing her naked any time soon!!!fat-ass

fatarse

Anyway, on our return PIL decided to put me on a diet and it’s not fun. Breakfast is guinea pig food. PIL calls it “Mews Lee” but I think that’s just a posh word that the residents of Chelsea, Shoreditch and Shad Thames use as, due to the plum in their mouths, they can’t say “Guinea Pig Food”. We have two varieties I have to eat.  One of them has lots of seeds in it so that version looks like parrot food. They’re both awful. All my other meals are chicken and pasta and every now and again I can have pasta and chicken for a change. Sometimes, when I’ve been really good I can have spaghetti and chicken and, on occasion, taglaitelle with chicken. It makes a change from pasta but as to whether it’s a pleasant change is open to question! Some days, PIL will add rabbit food to my meal. She calls it “salad”. Must be those people living in Shad Thames again who call it that. However, the upshot of this so called “healthy diet” is that I’ve lost a ton of weight and my trousers don’t fit anymore. That’s all well and good if you’re 18 like my son Greg, wear a baseball cap back to front and are happy with the waistband of your trousers sagging under your arse.bumtrousers2

However, for a middle aged man like me…. Look, I’m middle aged. I am NOT old. I haven’t even got a bus pass yet. (Will you please let me get on with this in peace and quiet?) Where was I? (No, it’s NOT dementia setting in woman. You just made me lose my train of thought). Bloody hell, this is hard work! Anyway, for a middle aged man like me, back to front baseball caps and trousers hanging on the wrong side of my arse is NOT a good look. Hopefully, I’ll get some new clothes for Christmas or, if not, it’s off to the sales for me. I hate shopping.

On that note, from a skinny Dick, have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

20 responses to “Diet? Me?

  1. Too funny! I do hope you survive your “healthy diet”! This reminds me of a joke, if I can recall how it goes –

    A man tells his doctor he wants to live a long life. His doctor tells him that he should quit smoking, quit drinking, quit living life on the edge, and most definitely quit having any sex. The man looks very worried and more than a little uncertain and asks his doctor “so if I do all this I’m really going to live longer?” His doctor says “well, you may not live longer, but it’ll sure feel like it!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel your pain… you definitely don’t make friends with salad…. pass me the wine and throw in a custard tart will ya?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Haha! Mews Lee. I think I went to school with him. Do you know what’s really good for you? Chicken and pasta. And well done on losing the weight. A good tip is to weigh your food. I myself like to place a chocolate bar in each hand and shout WAHEY! Did you see what I did there?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chocolate! Mmmmmm. What is chocolate? It sounds nice. I’m beginning to cluck with an Italian accent now and occasionally say “What’s up Doc”. It’s horrible. To me, a working lunch is a chunk of meat wrapped in bread. Instead I get green stuff with orange stuff in it. Do I feel better? Probably but the population at large is sick of seeing my pants. Not bad if its Brand Beckham or Armani underwear but George at Asda? Or “Tu”.
      So glad you’re back girl. Hope you are feeling much better

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hey, George at Asda do some exceptional undewear. Spawn loves their boxers, but then he doesn’t wear his trousers half way down his arse.
        You’ll thank PIL in a years time, when you’re running up mountains and both swinging from the chandeliers.

        Thank you. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • Running up mountains? The only thing I’m running up is debt buying new trousers! I’m still a chubby boy despite the loss in weight so swinging from chandeliers will be like THAT episode of Fools & Horses! George at Asda doesn’t quite have the same ring as Armani though does it? Never mind. As long as I don’t wear my cap back to front I should be ok.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Maybe they should call it Giorgio at Asdir.

        Heehee, the memory of that episode just made me laugh out loud. Classic.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Now that has a certain ring to it. Giorgio at Asdir. You should be in marketing. Or advertising. Or something else.

        That’s what I enjoyed about that series. The slightly unexpected. I was forever snorting coffee out of my nose and generally being a mess whenever I watched Fools.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m a mistress of all trades, with not a sodding clue about any of them.

        It is one of the very few comedies, where every episode is still funny, how many years on.

        Liked by 1 person

      • As long as you get someone else to do the work and then take all the credit, you’ll be fine at just about everything.

        It’s still funny no matter how many times you see it. I must have the seen the chandelier episode and the falling through the bar one a dozen times and still I laugh. Brilliant stuff. I thought Trigger was a genius character played by a genius actor but then again, they all were.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Maybe try eating rabbits as well as rabbit food? Just a thought.

    Like

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