Work

I think I mentioned a few weeks ago that work has been manic. It still is but to a lesser degree now. I had a great time at the task in Battersea Park in October which I have already spoken about. I was able to put a great team of guys together for that task. I’d worked with them all previously and knew they were more than up for the job. The Boss is good in that. He lets me select the guys I want which is nice.

The Boss

We had teams covering 24 hours a day for the week we were there. There were only 2 working during the night. “Syco” Steve who I have known and worked with for many years was one of them. He thinks he’s Paul Weller but in reality he looks like Carl from the animated movie ‘UP!’. For some odd reason he goes off on one when we present him with a gift of tennis balls or balloons. I have never understood why.

‘Syco’ Steve

Alongside him during the darkness was Filipino Chris, who, oddly enough, comes from the Philippines. Amongst his many talents (the ability to speak clearly in English not being one of them!), Chris is an expert in the martial art of Filipino stick fighting. From what I understand this involves a shed load of Filipinos fighting each other with sticks.

Filipinos fighting with sticks

During the day I was joined by Simon who very definitely is not simple.

Infantile things to do with a banana on a sunny day in Battersea. Will you ever grow up Si?

Sam the teenager serial killer who, at the age of 23, still buys his clothes from the children’s section of Asda. He has a 28 inch waist for Gods sake! At one stage we found him prowling around the park. We were convinced he has looking for places to dig shallow graves.

Sam

Also working long days was Luke, another youngster. The mad fool spent good money on a haircut that made him look like Kim Jong Un! You can guess what we called him.

Luke

His satnav certainly came from North Korea as it always took him over Albert Bridge, along  Chelsea Embankment, back over Chelsea Bridge and into the park at Chelsea Gate in Queenstown Road. This was from Clapham Junction! It did make me feel slightly better about the North Koreans developing ICBM nuclear missiles though. With that kind of navigation system if they ever did launch they’d probably nuke Pyongyang. One of the other guys working the day shift was Seb the sex mad Pole.

Seb

Our first day at Battersea started at 6am and didn’t end until 7pm when we all left to go back to our hotel. All except Seb who went home to his girlfriend. The following morning, just before 7am, we assembled to start our day, have breakfast in crew catering and generally get started. Seb rocked up looking like a sack of shit!

“Blimey mate.” I said. “You look cream crackered.”

“Crackers? I like Jacobs with cheese and pickle but I hope there is more than that for breakfast.” said Seb

“No you idiot. I meant you look worn out.” I replied

Seb looked confused so I explained cockney rhyming slang to him.

“Cream crackered is slang for ‘knackered’ me old china.”

“Ah. I see but I am a Pole. I am not the Chinese.” retorted Seb.

“No mate. ‘China’ is slang for ‘mate’ mate.”

I could see this was going to be hard work.

“But ‘China’ does not rhyme with ‘mate’ does it?”

“Ah yes but ‘China Plate’ does.”

“You cockerknees are strange people. Worse than you English.”

“So mate. Why are you so worn out?”

“It is my girlfriend.” said Seb. “She wants sex all the time. We make love, we finish and straight away she want more. Then more again and then some more after that. It is costing me a fortune in Viagra but I cannot say ‘No’ can I? Nearly 5 hours of non stop sex last night my friend and my penis is sore which is why I walk like I crapped my pants.”

“You jammy bastard. I wish I had a girlfriend like that.” said Luke, who Simon and I suspect is still a virgin and with that stupid North Korean haircut is likely to remain one for some time.

“Me too.” said Sam who claims he has a girlfriend but only in his imagination.

I looked at Simon. Simon looked at me. We are both wiser to the ways of the world and so I said to Seb,

“Well, me old China. If you did it right the first time, you wouldn’t have this problem. At least you’d get a 20 minute tea break in between sessions.”

Seb on being told he was doing “It” all wrong

“What’s for breakfast? I fancy a full English.” I strolled off for breakfast leaving Seb to figure it out.

Me hard at it

And our day started.

Every day for a week, Seb rocked up for work looking very much the worse for wear and walking like John Wayne. A sack of potatoes looked in better shape!

I’m back in North London now working with ‘Banzai Noor’ the human garbage disposal unit, Daniel, Jay, Izzy the Tightarse, Ian and Zain. Work is now a little easier but I’m beginning to think I’m too bloody old for all this crap. Please God. let me win the lottery!

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.