Monthly Archives: November 2015

Diet? Me?

In July, the tribe and I went on holiday to Florida where we had a blast. We also scoffed huge quantities of food. Eating in America is an experience that’s for sure.Heart Attack Grill

Portions were enormous and the food itself was smashing. Now I wasn’t exactly slim went we went. I was bloody enormous when we left.

Me. Before and after. Yeah. Right!

Me. Before and after. Yeah. Right! Maybe the one on the right.

A small elephant springs to mind! What’s that? A very large elephant? That’s not very nice is it? What do you mean ‘It’s true’? (I hate it when PIL is looking over my shoulder reading what I’m trying to write and making comments – usually rude and derogatory.) What? Look, when I write in italics it represents my thoughts and you’re not supposed to read my thoughts! Yes I know you’re a woman. Ok so as a woman you can always read a mans thoughts? It helps when they’re on the screen does it? (Will you bugger off and let me does this?) Oh dear. PIL has the hump now. I won’t be seeing her naked any time soon!!!fat-ass


Anyway, on our return PIL decided to put me on a diet and it’s not fun. Breakfast is guinea pig food. PIL calls it “Mews Lee” but I think that’s just a posh word that the residents of Chelsea, Shoreditch and Shad Thames use as, due to the plum in their mouths, they can’t say “Guinea Pig Food”. We have two varieties I have to eat.  One of them has lots of seeds in it so that version looks like parrot food. They’re both awful. All my other meals are chicken and pasta and every now and again I can have pasta and chicken for a change. Sometimes, when I’ve been really good I can have spaghetti and chicken and, on occasion, taglaitelle with chicken. It makes a change from pasta but as to whether it’s a pleasant change is open to question! Some days, PIL will add rabbit food to my meal. She calls it “salad”. Must be those people living in Shad Thames again who call it that. However, the upshot of this so called “healthy diet” is that I’ve lost a ton of weight and my trousers don’t fit anymore. That’s all well and good if you’re 18 like my son Greg, wear a baseball cap back to front and are happy with the waistband of your trousers sagging under your arse.bumtrousers2

However, for a middle aged man like me…. Look, I’m middle aged. I am NOT old. I haven’t even got a bus pass yet. (Will you please let me get on with this in peace and quiet?) Where was I? (No, it’s NOT dementia setting in woman. You just made me lose my train of thought). Bloody hell, this is hard work! Anyway, for a middle aged man like me, back to front baseball caps and trousers hanging on the wrong side of my arse is NOT a good look. Hopefully, I’ll get some new clothes for Christmas or, if not, it’s off to the sales for me. I hate shopping.

On that note, from a skinny Dick, have a great day.

More Dick


I must admit that when it comes to Art, I’m a bit of a simpleton. What’s that? Oh. Right. Thanks for that. PIL has just informed that I’m a simpleton Full Stop! Moving swiftly along. I’m one of those blokes who has the attitude of “I know what I like.” A pile of bricks or an unmade bed are beyond my understanding. Obviously there are people who do “get it” and can see what the artist is doing but I can’t. Not that I’m critical of that kind of art. I take the attitude of “whatever floats your boat”. When it comes to what I like, I think it fairly easy to guess that I like landscapes. Not only landscapes but seascapes and I enjoy the art of people like van Gogh, Picasso, Monet and Constable. I think that Rodins ‘The Kiss’ is just about the most sensuous sculpture ever.Rodin-Kiss-red

Some years ago PIL and I went up to London to view a Monet exhibition. I forget which gallery it was in now but I do remember being a bit disappointed. Not with the paintings themselves but the fact that there were so many people in there we were all forced to shuffle past each of the exhibits. Monet had done what I think was a very clever idea and had painted the same haystacks at different times of the day and in each of the different seasons to demonstrate (I guess) the effect of the changing light.

Monets haystacks

Monets haystacks



Of course, the paintings he did of his garden were also outstanding. The French being the cultured and sophisticated people they are decided to run a high-speed railway line straight through the middle of it!

“Il est juste un jardin. Qui donne une merde au sujet d’un stupide jardin? Il est vital pour le grand peuple francais pour echapper a Lille le plus rapidement possible comme il s’agit un cliche.”

Or, in other words, who gives a shit about a stupid garden. Lille is a dump and the people of France must be allowed to escape it as quickly as possible. Heathens!

Anyway, a few years ago PIL and I were browsing in a shop nearby to where we lived at the time and we discovered original paintings there by a chap called Ken Hildrew, a local artist. We both liked them. A lot!

One of our Hildrew paintings. 'The Stour at Canterbury'

One of our Hildrew paintings. ‘The Stour at Canterbury’

'Low tide'

‘Low tide’

I believe he lives out near Exmoor now. I took photos of these paintings with my phone so they don’t show great detail or colour. If you click on them though, the pictures appears in greater detail.

Over the next couple of years we bought a number of his paintings and very nice they are too. Over the years we added paintings by other artists. None of them were very expensive.

Despite having a number by Hildrew our favourite is a water colour by a chap called Michael Chaplin. I think it’s called ‘Walking the dog’ and it is outstanding in it’s simplicity.20151107_110400

I wish I could paint like this. I did attempt water colours a few years ago but they weren’t very good. The word ‘Crap’ springs to mind.

I looked up the definition of the word ‘Art’ . There are many different meanings but first on the list is “the creation of works of beauty or other special significance” and I think that sums it up rather nicely. My son Greg subscribes to the National Geographic magazine and while he reads it on line, we do also receive the magazine itself and I have to say that some of the photographs inside are glorious. There are landscapes, wild life, people, buildings and photos of weather events. I think that Greg at one time, considered becoming a photographer with National Geographic. He may still yet.

Another Ken Hildrew painting I found on line

Another Ken Hildrew painting I found on line

Well peeps. Time for me to go. I have an early start tomorrow morning. PIL and CJ are at the schools firework display and due to return soon. Greg is at his girlfriends while Ed is in the bath and chilling out after a hard week at work. More on all of them soon. Plus “A Muppet Christmas Carol” has just started. The best movie ever after “Space Jam”!

Have a great weekend.

More Dick


I think I mentioned a few weeks ago that work has been manic. It still is but to a lesser degree now. I had a great time at the task in Battersea Park in October which I have already spoken about. I was able to put a great team of guys together for that task. I’d worked with them all previously and knew they were more than up for the job. The Boss is good in that. He lets me select the guys I want which is nice.

The Boss

The Boss

We had teams covering 24 hours a day for the week we were there. There were only 2 working during the night. “Syco” Steve who I have known and worked with for many years was one of them. He thinks he’s Paul Weller but in reality he looks like Carl from the animated movie ‘UP!’. For some odd reason he goes off on one when we present him with a gift of tennis balls or balloons. I have never understood why.

'Syco' Steve

‘Syco’ Steve

Alongside him during the darkness was Filipino Chris, who, oddly enough, comes from the Philippines. Amongst his many talents (the ability to speak clearly in English not being one of them!), Chris is an expert in the martial art of Filipino stick fighting. From what I understand this involves a shed load of Filipinos fighting each other with sticks.

Filipinos fighting with sticks

Filipinos fighting with sticks

During the day I was joined by Simon who very definitely is not simple.

Infantile things to do with a banana on a sunny day in Battersea. Will you ever grow up Si?

Infantile things to do with a banana on a sunny day in Battersea. Will you ever grow up Si?

Sam the teenager serial killer who, at the age of 23, still buys his clothes from the children’s section of Asda. He has a 28 inch waist for Gods sake! At one stage we found him prowling around the park. We were convinced he has looking for places to dig shallow graves.



Also working long days was Luke, another youngster. The mad fool spent good money on a haircut that made him look like Kim Jong Un! You can guess what we called him.



His satnav certainly came from North Korea as it always took him over Albert Bridge, along  Chelsea Embankment, back over Chelsea Bridge and into the park at Chelsea Gate in Queenstown Road. This was from Clapham Junction! It did make me feel slightly better about the North Koreans developing ICBM nuclear missiles though. With that kind of navigation system if they ever did launch they’d probably nuke Pyongyang. One of the other guys working the day shift was Seb the sex mad Pole.



Our first day at Battersea started at 6am and didn’t end until 7pm when we all left to go back to our hotel. All except Seb who went home to his girlfriend. The following morning, just before 7am, we assembled to start our day, have breakfast in crew catering and generally get started. Seb rocked up looking like a sack of shit!

“Blimey mate.” I said. “You look cream crackered.”

“Crackers? I like Jacobs with cheese and pickle but I hope there is more than that for breakfast.” said Seb

“No you idiot. I meant you look worn out.” I replied

Seb looked confused so I explained cockney rhyming slang to him.

“Cream crackered is slang for ‘knackered’ me old china.”

“Ah. I see but I am a Pole. I am not the Chinese.” retorted Seb.

“No mate. ‘China’ is slang for ‘mate’ mate.”

I could see this was going to be hard work.

“But ‘China’ does not rhyme with ‘mate’ does it?”

“Ah yes but ‘China Plate’ does.”

“You cockerknees are strange people. Worse than you English.”

“So mate. Why are you so worn out?”

“It is my girlfriend.” said Seb. “She wants sex all the time. We make love, we finish and straight away she want more. Then more again and then some more after that. It is costing me a fortune in Viagra but I cannot say ‘No’ can I? Nearly 5 hours of non stop sex last night my friend and my penis is sore which is why I walk like I crapped my pants.”

“You jammy bastard. I wish I had a girlfriend like that.” said Luke, who Simon and I suspect is still a virgin and with that stupid North Korean haircut is likely to remain one for some time.

“Me too.” said Sam who claims he has a girlfriend but only in his imagination.

I looked at Simon. Simon looked at me. We are both wiser to the ways of the world and so I said to Seb,

“Well, me old China. If you did it right the first time, you wouldn’t have this problem. At least you’d get a 20 minute tea break in between sessions.”

Seb on being told he was doing "It" all wrong

Seb on being told he was doing “It” all wrong

“What’s for breakfast? I fancy a full English.” I strolled off for breakfast leaving Seb to figure it out.

Me hard at it

Me hard at it

And our day started.

Every day for a week, Seb rocked up for work looking very much the worse for wear and walking like John Wayne. A sack of potatoes looked in better shape!

I’m back in North London now working with ‘Banzai Noor’ the human garbage disposal unit, Daniel, Jay, Izzy the Tightarse, Ian and Zain. Work is now a little easier but I’m beginning to think I’m too bloody old for all this crap. Please God. let me win the lottery!

Have a great day.

More Dick