Another One Bites The Dust Goddamn It.

gardener

Christ on a bike!

JesusChristOnABicycleArt

This farming malarkey is hard work and I’m only dealing with a few animals and crops. Having said that I am enjoying myself. I’ve learnt some Welsh words like “Look you”, “Isn’t it”, “Boyo” and “Tidy”. I’ve learnt not to try and get an egg when a hen is sitting on it as they have sharp beaks and are prepared to use them.chicken on eggs

Avoid John the neighbour who is a Brummie and can talk the hind leg off a donkey and judging by the number of three-legged donkeys around here, frequently does. I’ve realised that dogs can’t count as no matter how many balls you throw for Chalky, he always thinks there’s three. The pillock.20150908_123342

Birds are stupid and the bloody spiders here are gigantic. Last night I HEARD one walking across the floor! I had to open both French doors to usher the bugger out. There was no point trying to kill the blighter as I didn’t have access to any weapons big enough. A cannon may have been enough but the collateral damage wouldn’t have gone down well with Boo when she gets back.

This is what the Pest Control companies around here use to kill spiders. A bit extreme but so are the spiders!

This is what the Pest Control companies around here use to kill spiders. A bit extreme but so are the spiders!

Shortly after shooing the spider out last night I was startled by a “Tap, tap, tap, flutter, flutter” noise.

“What the bloody hell now?” I thought. “A fucking dragon?”

I looked around but couldn’t see anything so I concluded it was likely to be a branch tapping on the window. Then I heard it again. Strange. I still couldn’t see what was causing the noise, mostly because I was too lazy to get off my fat arse and take a proper look.obese_2074995b

It was quiet for a while then I heard it again. This time I also saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Inside the log burner in the lounge was a bird! It must have fallen down the chimney and couldn’t get back out. See what I mean? Birds are stupid. It was only a sparrow but it made me think two things (I’m clever like that). First I thought how polite it was for a wild animal to be knocking on the log burners door for permission to come out. Secondly, and more importantly, how the fuck was I going to get a soot and ash covered wild bird out of there without getting aforementioned soot, ash and feathers all over Boos house? So I gathered up numerous towels, an old sheet and covered the door of the burner. I opened the burner door and the blighter flew out from under all the towels and sheet and flew around the whole of the ground floor trailing soot, ash and feathers everywhere.

“Should’ve shut all the the doors.” I thought belatedly.

Finally, after much pursuing of the tiny sparrow and after tripping over Chalky, who was also in hot pursuit, I managed to get the bird by the front door and let it out. I looked back in disbelief. The whole of the downstairs was like a war zone. There were feathers, soot, ash and bird shit everywhere!

“Jesus bloody Christ!” I thought. “How could such a small animal leave such a trail of destruction?”messy-house

Many hours later, after much use of vacuum cleaners, furniture polish, dusters, old rags filled with earwigs and much cursing the house resembled something vaguely habitable. I went to bed!

I woke up this morning and staggered downstairs for my first brew of the day. I fed Chalky and as I went to feed the goldfish, discovered one was missing. Well, it wasn’t exactly missing, it just wasn’t where I expected it to be. It was belly up at the top of the tank!dead-goldfish Bugger me! Another critter bites the dust!

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

 

16 responses to “Another One Bites The Dust Goddamn It.

  1. Huge arachnids you say? Hmmm, suddenly life on the farm doesn’t seem so wonderful. Imma stay here where I don’t have to usher them out, like a paying guest at a hotel.

    And damn, that chicken looks vexed. That face just screams, “imma cut you if you touch my mofo eggs.” Great post Mr D.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words. It helps when you’re worn out after chasing chickens all day and really don’t feel like writing anything.

      They do say the older the house, the bigger the sp***rs. The one I shooed out was a bit of a beast thats for sure. They don’t bother me too much, its the bloody wasps that have started feeding on the fallen apples, getting pissed and aggressive that tick me off.

      I need more tea.

      I will be writing later about last nights little episode.

      Have a great day.

      Like

  2. Ooh, it just cut the top part of my comment, which was about preferring the company of wasps, despite being stung, to those of them 8 legged bastards.

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    • You have just confirmed to me that you are bonkers girl! You really prefer to be stung by those bastard wasps than spend a pleasant evening in the company of a sp***r? Well, ok, I can understand not wanting to be on the same continent, let alone the same room as a black widow or a red back or a tunnel web but apart from looking weird they don’t harm you. Having said that I also understand your feeling towards them especially as one tried to commit suicide by leaping into your mouth. For me, it’s great as PIL comes screaming to me to remove that bloody thing from the house and I’m happy to oblige.

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      • I have confirmed just how deeply my phobia has become ingrained, that I’d rather be surrounded by wasps. After being stung a few times and bloody hell, does that shit HURT, I have learned to respect all things that buzz. They stay outta my way and I stay outta theirs.

        Heehee, look at you playing Knight in shining armour for PIL. My ex used to scream louder than me when he saw one.

        Liked by 1 person

      • From now on when a wasp enters the house I will bellow “LILEEEEE. HELP!” I hope you don’t mind.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bellow away. I will come with my trusted copy of a rolled up Sunday Supplement, because they are the right consistency for felling winged beasts, and I shall save the day. All I ask for in return, is cake…and some antiseptic…and some bandaging…

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      • Cake? That’s out of the question I’m afraid cos I’ve eaten the whole chocolate cake Boo made before she left. I was very good though. It lasted 3 days! I can’t make another as my cakes look like pancakes. I make a mean Yorkshire pudding though.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow! Three whole days?! That is good. I could snort chocolate cake like crack.
        Ooh, I do like a good Yorkshire pud. If there’s plenty of gravy and some sage and onion stuffing, then that’ll do.

        Right, I’m about to be dragged out by my best mate, for my our Friday coffee meeting, which is code for gossiping.

        Have a marvellous day Mr D. šŸ™‚

        Like

  3. We deal with black widow spiders here. Huge spiders that are almost impossible to kill. Sorry about the fishie. When we lived in Phoenix we dealt with rattlesnakes, coyotes and scorpions. That’s a little too much converging with nature for my taste. Especially since the scorpions would be in our house. EEK!!!!!!

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  4. Look you, boyo, I am Welsh, so I won’t stand for any Welsh-bashing, alright? I’m only saying. Lush. And I’m not being funny, but I don’t want to hear any mention of sheep now either.

    Like

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