Ye Gods. I Have Stretch Marks!

 

Saturday:

Today we visit one of my favourite places: Animal Kingdom.

Rhino

hippo

Gorilla

Added to which is a visit to The Rainforest Cafe for lunch!Rainforest1

I really do like Animal Kingdom. PIL and the kids do too. Travelling around the park in a truck on a pretend safari is great fun. You can get very close to the animals. In fact, this time we were within 10 feet of a rhino, a fantastic experience. There are lions, elephants, giraffes, warthogs, hippos and all kinds of deer and antelope. Once you’ve done that, you can wander around different parts of the park to see other animals. PIL has a particular soft spot for gorillas and once again we were fortunate to get close to a female and its baby albeit behind a glass screen and further on we saw a number of males. In another area we saw tigers, although they were some distance away. It was fantastic and we had a great time. Lunch was booked at the Rainforest Cafe and once again the food was great and the portions stupendous. The skin around my tummy is feeling quite tight now.

After eating far too much again I decided an afternoon nap was in order

After eating far too much again I decided an afternoon nap was in order

We got back to the house tired and still stuffed with food but we managed to jump into the pool for a game of volleyball where I was, once again, berated by Greg for being rubbish.

Sunday:

All these theme parks are bloody exhausting so once again we had a day off. Once again I went for a run although I was joined by Greg this time.

Jesus. Running is hard work!

Jesus. Running is hard work!

I suspect that PIL may have had a word and suggested he volunteer to come with me in case I had a coronary. This time I ran a bit further and walked a bit less although the overall distance was the same. Greg finished as fresh as a daisy while I was a sweaty, dishevelled, breathless mess.

“Come on Dad! It’s all down hill now.”

Fuck off” I thought as speech was impossible.

“Nearly there now Dad. Probably about 300 metres to go.”

Fuck off” I thought again as I was still unable to speak, breath and run at the same time.

“Here we go Dad. Only seven more houses to go.”

My thought processes had ended  round the corner and I was on autopilot so thought nothing at all but I made it back.

We showered and guess what? We went shopping again but before we did, we had a mess around in the pool and spent some time catching some rays. While I was doing my imitation of a beached whale PIL called out to me:

“Er. Can you come here for a moment? Like now!”

So I struggled to an upright position and walked over to the house and there, standing on the arm of a sofa was PIL. On the floor, inside the house was a snake! The kids,hearing us talking, came to join us and immediately leapt onto the sofa with PIL. Now I don’t have a problem with snakes. In fact, as a child I used to keep snakes, lizards, frogs and toads but they were British snakes and we only have one poisonous snake and I know what that looks like. We’re in the United States and there are many venomous snakes here, none of which I recognise. I persuaded Ed and Greg to get off the sofa and get me one of the many shopping bags we had or a shoe box so that I could capture Sid the Snake and chuck him outside where he could slide off and live happily ever after.

Sid the Snake

Sid the Snake

Sid was soon placed in a very posh Michael Kors bag and then put into some shrubs outside where hopefully he met Sandra the Snake, they married, had hundreds of baby snakes and lived happily ever after. Greg has a mate who is into snakes in a big way so we checked with him and Googled snakes. Turned out Sid is a Garter snake and completely harmless.

Sid the Garter snake

Sid the Garter snake

Strict instructions from PIL were issued: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LEAVE THE PATIO DOORS OPEN.

We left and went shopping. Greg is desperate to find a Philadelphia 76ers NBA vest.

Photo courtesy of: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

Photo courtesy of: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

None of the sports shops seem to stock it. They stock all the other NBA shirts plus all the college shirts but not the 76ers. Greg says it’s because they’re crap which, in turn, is why he follows them! Odd logic but sound in his mind I’m sure.

We returned home again without a 76ers shirt once again. We had a meal while we were out and had gone to the Publix supermarket to buy more essentials – beer and donuts again. As the rest of the family unloaded the massive vehicle, I went and opened the front door and as I returned to help bring the shopping in, I had an overwhelming desire to indulge in my sister Boos favourite pastime and for no reason whatsoever I fell over! (Actually, I stumbled on the path and went down like a sack of poo). The impact was impressive. While I was down on the deck PIL made an observation:

“You need to cut back on your food intake. You have stretch marks!” (Offering me absolutely no assistance in my efforts to get vertical again.)

“Nonsense.” I replied while desperately trying to regain my feet and look to see if I really do have stretch marks.

“I merely have a stripey tan effect in the region of my stomach caused by an almighty overhang. I could do with a hand here.”

“Whatever. Looks like stretch marks to me you fat bastard. You look like a bloody turtle on its back” (Still offering no assistance.)turtle1

“Charming. I’ll have you know that mountaineers live in fear of that overhang and a great deal of good (and not so good) food and gallons of beer have been consumed to achieve that effect.”turtle

“That’s as maybe but you still have stretch marks. No more donuts for you Sonny Jim.”

By this time I had assumed a more or less upright position and decided to keep quiet. There is no photographic evidence that I can show you as a) it’s far too disgusting and b) it’s far too gloomy down there.

It’s Magic Kingdom tomorrow, so we have an early start and after having a few beers we went to bed after another great and very full day.

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

6 responses to “Ye Gods. I Have Stretch Marks!

  1. Sounds like you are having great fun down in Florida with exception of the lie-down you had on the pavement. Wildlife is very presumptuous in that state. We used to have alligators come out of the lake and sun themselves on our lawn. There is something really wrong with that.
    I love the Rainforest Café and the aquariums. Loved the photography, especially the upside down tortoise. The Magic Kingdom will certainly wear a person out!!!! Did you wait in line at the “It’s a Small World” ride? Is the song still going through your head? Would you like me to refresh your memory on the song, just in case you have forgotten – It’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all……..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Please, please, please. No more. We walked past ‘It’s a small world’ when we were at Magic Kingdom and took heed of your previous warning. Whether it was subliminal or what, 30 seconds after walking past it, we were all either singing or humming that blasted tune and continued to do so on and off for the rest of the day. And the day after!
      The aquariums in the Rainforest Cafe were pretty spectacular.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Makes you wonder who cleans them. In a whispered voice – It’s a small world…… Tee-hee!!!!!!!! (My character in my book actually used that that theme song to freak the demon out that she was up against, and guess what…he cowered, couldn’t stand the song). Hey, since you already have stretch marks, you should imbibe in some Krispy Kreme doughnuts while you are down there! Yummy!!!! I don’t usually like doughnuts but they make the best!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s very unfair. I have just wandered around the Florida Mall and found myself humming that awful tune again! PIL refuses to allow us any more of the donuts and as the kids have eaten all those that we had left I will have to wait until I get home now.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful pictures from Animal Kingdom and love that you took a quick snap of Sid, while all around you, your family were in a panic.
    As for the way that you describe your stretch marks, priceless!

    Liked by 1 person

    • We have so many pictures that it’s a problem deciding on which ones to use as there are so many excellent photos. It’s amazing what you can take on a phone these days. We have a Canon camera that we left at home as we felt it unnecessary to bring that as well.

      They are NOT stretch marks! Merely an optical illusion caused by a stripey tan and the way the light faded into shadow somewhere under my overhang. (More commonly known as a beer gut)

      Sid was a lovely snake. He was doing that tongue thing that snakes do to smell you and he did open his jaws two or three times as a warning. Normally I would have just picked him up and put him in the shrubs but I had no idea what type of snake he was and the prospect of ending up in hospital stuffed full of anti venom while on holiday just didn’t appeal. Nor did dying!!!!!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s