Norman. Usted Es Un Mojado Propenso a Accidente Tonto

Previously on iplonker:

My mate Norm had been asked by one of our canoeing friends to install a new central heating system in his house. Ralph was filthy rich and lived in a huge house in an expensive area of London. As I recall, the house was one of those big Victorian houses that was three or four storeys high. It also had a basement converted into a self-contained two bed flat that Ralph rented out to a Spanish guy and his wife. It was a lovely house with beautiful gardens. Ralph lived there with his wife and children although his kids spent most of the time away at boarding school.

Norm was most of the way through his plumbing apprenticeship and did know how to do this kind of thing. The plan was that after finishing work each day he would go to Ralph’s gaff and spend a few hours each evening putting the new system in place. Ralph would buy the kit and pay cash to Norm each week for all his work.

Norm carried out a site survey, sorted out what size boiler was needed as well as the amount of pipes, pumps and sundry other stuff required to complete the task. Norm duly arrived to start work.

Ooooooo. Anyone home?

Ralph was impressed. He told Omar and I that Norm was always on time, the new boiler looked like something from the Starship Enterprise, the pipe work was all straight, the new radiators hung level and Norm cleared up any mess every evening when he had finished.

Norman hard at it

After a few weeks, the job was basically finished. All Norm had to do was charge the system and he was finished. As Norm wandered around the house he couldn’t help thinking that he’d forgotten something and that worried him. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye he noticed that the thermostat cover wasn’t on properly. “Ah.” He thought. “That’s it.” So he sorted that out and strolled upstairs to the attic to start charging the system.

He wanted to let Ralph know but he’d disappeared somewhere. Ralph’s wife, Cindy, was away visiting her mother, the kids were all at school and Manuel was in his flat entertaining friends.

So off he trundled on his lonesome up to the attic and turned the water on to fill all the radiators. After opening the stop cock tap thingy, he ambled back downstairs to wait until the rads had filled and then start bleeding air out of the radiators. When he got to the hall by the front door, Manuel suddenly appeared:

“Aspersion de agua hay en todas partes!” he shouted at a somewhat startled Norman.

“Que idiota. Mi piso esta arruinado!” Manuel continued.

“Mis amigos son totalmente empapado, asi!”

“Whoa. Hold on Manuel old son. You’re not in Rome now you silly frog. Speak bloody English” replied Norm. “And why are you soaking wet?”

Then the penny dropped and Norm remembered what he’d forgotten. All the connection nuts where the pipes went into the radiators were only finger tight! He’d forgotten to tighten them up!

With a rising sense of panic and doom Norm legged it back to the attic to turn the water off again. On reaching the attic he ran along the rafter to get to the stop cock tap thingy.

CRASH as he slipped and put one leg either side of the rafter and his feet suddenly appeared in the master bedroom.

SQUELCH went his testicles as they met the rafter.

SPLAT went his nose as it hit a supporting beam, spraying snot and claret all over the attic.

BANG went his arms as they too appeared in the master bedroom.

“OH DEAR!” thought Norman as, despite his injuries and excruciating pain, he struggled to turn the water off. As he turned the tap off he happened to glance down into the bedroom and noticed that despite all the commotion, Ralph was busily boffing Maria the au pair! She could see what had happened and was struggling to escape from under Ralphs heaving body. Ralph, totally oblivious to what was going on, was entirely convinced that Marias moans and writhing were entirely as a result of his performance. Until, that is, a large lump of plaster fell off the ceiling and landed on his arse!

“Cindy! Darling! It’s not what it seems….oh” Ralph shouted before looking up and seeing Norms destroyed face covered in blood and snot looking down at him.

“Uh. Hello Ralph. Hello Maria.” said Norm innocently. “Sorry mate, I seem to have had a bit of an accident.”

“I hope you don’t mind me saying mate, but I couldn’t help noticing. Did you know you have an enormous zit on your arse?” said Norm while a steady flow of his blood dripped onto the bed several feet below him.

Once Ralph had put his clothes back on, Maria had rushed off to her room, Norm had rearranged his testicles and stemmed the flow of blood from his busted nose they surveyed the damage. The basement was under 3 or 4 inches of water, the walls were dripping and 4 bedraggled Spaniards sat miserably in the kitchen area.

Ralph and Norman came to an arrangement. Ralphs wife was away for a few more days so a plasterer was organised, Norm was sworn to secrecy regarding what he had witnessed and everyone continued as if nothing had ever happened.

Norm told us this story a few days later in our local pub. He had a big plaster on his hooter, two black eyes and his testicles were the size and colour of a couple of cricket balls. Yes, he got them out and showed us. It was that kind of pub! He estimated the water was travelling at about 70 mph when it hit that first joint. Not surprising really that it had sprayed gallons of water everywhere.

Ralph continued coming to our classes. He knew we knew but nothing was ever said. Maria continued as the au pair for another year or so but there was apparently no more hanky panky. Manuel and his wife eventually went back to Spain and Ralphs wife Cindy remained completely unaware. Obviously, names have been changed in this story to protect the innocent and not quite so innocent.

My thanks to Shutterstock and the Intertube for the images

Have a smashing day.

More Dick soon.