I’ve been away working for the last week and I’m still feeling a bit cream crackered and brain activity is at an all time low. However, I will soldier on and hope that some of my few remaining brain cells start to connect while I’m writing this post.
NORMAN.
Sometime in the near future I will write about what my mate Norm did to someones house but for now I just want to show what he experienced taking a swim in the River Dee many years ago. In my last post I mentioned he had jumped into the river to help me with my spray deck without realising how deep the river was and he kind of got swept away and ended up swimming down a rapid known as The Serpents Tail. This is what it looks like:
Norm had to swim down this. Plonker!
And this is what awaited him at the bottom:
As Norm approached I suspect he may have done a bit in his trousers!
That wave is known as a “stopper” and it does exactly what it says on the tin. Imagine a whirlpool on its side – that’s effectively what a stopper is and they can stop you dead and can be very dangerous to someone forced to swim into it as it will hold you in and keep spinning you around, mostly underwater. Omar and I were in Austria for a Europa Cup event some years ago and we got it slightly wrong on one of our practice runs and hit a huge stopper at an angle. It pulled us under and then spat us out like a Polaris missile. We were vertical and completely clear of the water. Bear in mind we both weighed 11 stone soaking wet, our canoe weighed another 20 kilos, was 16 feet long and that stopper just spat us out. I wish I still had the photo of that!
This guy is free styling and this is deliberate but you get the idea. This stopper is a tiddler! Imagine what a big one can do.
GARDENING
I’ve been away from home for a whole week and my garden has gone bloody berserk! I haven’t got any weeds but I do have a great many triffids!
Just sorting them out is going to take quite a lot of effort and will undoubtedly give me back ache. However, my ornamentals are also doing very well and have suffered very little damage from sl*gs and sn**ls so far.
My experiment with making a concoction from stinging nettles has gone out the window, or more accurately, down the drain. PIL didn’t realise what I was doing so chucked it away. She doesn’t find it odd that there buckets containing various gooey substances dotted around the garden. Not a drama, lots of stinging nettles around so I can restart that. While I was away, I spent a little time talking to Pete, one of the gardeners who works on the estate where we were and he told me that they use coffee grounds as a sl*g deterrent and it seemed to work reasonably well. He also told me that a feed made from stinging nettles (soak a load in a bucket of water for a couple of weeks and use the resultant liquor) is one of the best natural plant feeds you can get. I’m also hoping that doing this will deter sl*gs as the little buggers never seem to eat nettles and covering my ornamentals with nettle juice may just confuse them. I have to say that Pete has to be one of the most contented men I have ever met.
Pete. On e of the happiest and most content blokes I’ve ever had the great fortune to meet
He is a retired fireman, a job he always wanted to do and as far as he was concerned he was living the dream and now his dream continues as he gardens, which he loves, and gets paid for doing it. I am soooo jealous!
BEES
I’m still looking into this. There seems to be a major problem with honey bee colonies dying en masse and no one really seems to know why.
While I was away, we all had to suddenly leg it as a swarm of bees came over where we were working. I let the estate manager know so that he could take action in case they landed inside the buildings and pissed off his guests. My gardener mate Pete came along shortly afterwards looking for them but found no trace and concluded they probably returned to their hive. Now oddly enough, scientists looking into why bee colonies are dying off have been hindered by the lack of bee bodies. Apparently, the bees fly off never to return. Aliens? It would also appear that farmers rent bee colonies to pollinate their crops as and when the crop is ready and in full flower which may explain why I’ve not seen too many honey bees this year. I will report back on this subject later.
HOTEL SERVICES
It’s amazing what’s provided these days. The hotel I stayed in was very pleasant, the staff were nice, the bed lovely and comfy, the shower was good and the TV remote worked. My first morning I got in the lift to get breakfast, pressed the button and a womans voice said;
“Going down”.
“Ooo” I thought, “I think I like this hotel but she’ll need to be quick as I’m only on the third floor”.
I’m pretty certain I was alone in the lift so there wasn’t a queue but I remained fully zipped up throughout my descent. I did mention it to the reception staff that while the woman had said she was going down, nothing had actually happened. They said they would get an engineer in to sort the problem out but perhaps they had to wait for a spare part as the poor woman remained stuck in her little cupboard somewhere in that lift for the duration of my stay. I hope she’s ok.
I am in dire need of a cup of tea so I’m off. I hope you have an absolutely smashing day.
More Dick soon.
iplonker 
Norman: The poor guy’s life must have flashed before his eyes! That is some seriously scary shit!!
Gardening: What the hell is that thing? And why do I want it??
Bees: To date, I have seen one bee. Mind you, it was so big, that I could have rode on it’s back. I almost pushed Spawn into on-coming traffic to escape it. Yep, I would kill my child to avoid those stingers. That crap hurts!
Hotel services: That deserves the full Laugh out loud description rather then the abbreviated LOL! Hilarious! And that Spiderman pic, Priceless!!
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Hello. Poor Norm did not enjoy the experience thats for sure but as he survived we all laughed about it afterwards. I haven’t seen him since he told me he was going parachuting. His parachute probably didn’t open and he ended up six feet under. No need to dig a grave for him but he always was considerate like that! Seriously though, we went our separate ways some years ago.
That thing is a pukka Triffid from the BBC series years ago. Or was it ITV? Or a movie? Anyway, there’s a shit load of similar plants in my garden and if it’s not raining again tomorrow they are all getting oiked out.
I’m a bit worried about bees. It may be aliens abducting them and eventually, as food supplies dry up, mankind dies out and they move in. Nah. That’s a load of bollocks. So what happened to the “Protective mummy” instinct when bees approach?
By the way, I had time on my hands today and I read all of your A-Z Challenge along with the rest of your previous wordpress posts and I am now in hospital with a prolapsed rectum from laughing so hard and for so long. The quacks say I’ll make a full recovery and should be out in the street again tomorrow. They have suggested I sit on a rubber ring for a few days. You must seriously think about writing movie scripts. I’ll be your agent. My rates are very reasonable.
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Wouldn’t it be great to find out how Norman’s life progressed? He’s probably a stunt man for Daniel Craig or that bastion of action movies, Steven Seagal.
Oh I seriously want a Pukka Triffid! I remember the series (BBC1) and also remember laughing hysterically at those supposed alien beings. Speaking of which. That is one theory among the Sci-Fi geeks, that the bees are being abducted by aliens. But then we Sci-Fi geeks have far too much time on our hands to ponder such nonsense.
Okay, It’s official, I have the brain of a 13 year old boy because the words ‘prolapsed rectum,’ just made me snort coffee out of my nose. Thanks Mr D.
A few people have mentioned that I should write a movie or comedy script. But knowing my luck, it will be accepted by Channel 5 and we all know that nobody watches that channel. If I do decide to do it, your rate better be a minimal of £150…sorry, I forgot the decimal point, I meant “£1.50p.
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Gross! Did you make a mess of your blouse? Oddly enough, I know a couple of stunt men and they have worked on the Daniel Craig James Bond movies as well as the Batman movies, Sherlock Holmes and others. Did you know Gotham City actually exists? The set is a permanent structure in an aircraft hanger somewhere in Hertfordshire. As Michael Caine would say “Not many people know that”. So, you’re a Sci-Fi geek which probably explains your love of Dr Who. Do you remember “Quatermass”? You’re probably far too young to remember the original. In truth, so am I but I have vague memories of it but most of my memories are pretty vague these days. Are you a Trekkie as well? And can speak fluent Klingon? That has got to be the worst name ever for an alien race.
As I said before, Simon Pegg would snap up the movie rights to your A-Z Challenge and I will be calling him later today once I have completed all the chores PIL has given me to do today. (Clean my room, empty the bins, replenish the washing machine again, empty the dish washer, walk the dog, give her a damned good seeing too, prepare dinner,hoover downstairs after hoovering upstairs). I feel quite tired listing that lot out, I may take a little nap. £1.50!! Best I’ve ever been offered so that works for me. I have finished my coffee so I’m off to check your latest offering once I put my bib on. Just in case, you understand. Have a smashing day.
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Not my blouse, it’s my lovely silk nightie that got snotted upon, so thanks for that. I do remember Quatermass being repeated when I was a child. That was some scary shit. It was on not long ago, but unfortunately, I missed it. We did watch the original ‘The day the Earth stood still…’ let just leave that comment at that shall we.
I’m old school when it comes to Star Trek, it the 1960’s one for me, though Spawn is just beginning to get into Deep Space 9 and Star Trek the next generation etc. If it ain’t got wobbly sets, bad costumes and over acting, then I ain’t interested.
Haha! Is giving her a damned good seeing to, highlighted? That should have been first on PIL’s list.
I did all that at 2:00 this morning, then I washed the neighbour’s car, Tarmacked the roads, added an extension to Westminster, took it down because I didn’t have planning permission, discovered a new country and landed on the moon, all by 3:30. Gonna have a nice cup of tea and a Hob Nob before I have to give a lecture on the time space continuum to Stephen Hawkings.
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Boy! Are you a busy bunny or what? I am so sorry about making a mess on your nightie. Erm, I think that sentence may need to be rephrased. Anyway, I’m sure you know what I mean. You are obviously a talented woman – tarmacking, building, demolition, explorer, astronaut and teaching that Hawkins geezer a thing or two. I’ve met him a couple of times, most recently at the thing I was at earlier this week. Funny bloke that’s for sure.
I never really got into the Jean Luc Picard era of Star Trek or the spin offs but I admit to having a bit of a thing going with Seven of Nine (or at least I’d like to have a thing going). Kirk and Spock along with Bones and Scottie used to crack me up. Cliched or what? And why did they all wear trousers that were too short in the leg? Budgetary restraints?
As for PIL, it’ll be the highlight of my day, not so sure about her though haha.
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LOL! Yeah, I think it would best to rephrase that particular sentence. I’m just glad that I put down my glass of coke before I read that.
I do love Mr Hawkins. I’m envious at the fact that you got to meet him. His sense of humour is out of this world…did you see what I did there? He’s a stellar geezer…look, I did it again!
I did watch all the Star Trek spin offs when they begun, but they never really sustained my interest. As for Seven, her suit is so tight that you can see what she had for breakfast! Oh how I love Captain James T Kirk and the way he holds his stomach in and the ill fitting trousers which are still part of the geek look for some.
I’m not even gonna touch that last sentence. 😛
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Hahaha. You have such a way with words! When I say I’ve met him, I really mean I’ve been in the same room and listened to a couple of his talks. Interesting bloke. I saw Billy Shatner in another couple of programmes after Star Trek. Can’t remember the name of the series where he played an overweight copper but that was crap. He’s also in Boston Legal and I thought he was funny in that playing an overweight lawyer. I think he probably did them as he didn’t have to hold his gut in!
B.B.King has died! What a loss. I loved his music and the way he played the guitar. Now both my favourite bluesmen have departed as John Lee Hooker died a few years back. At least their music lives on.
TJ Hooker!!! That was name of the series. God it was awful.
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Oh I loved TJ Hooker, but that was more to do with his partner whose name now escapes me. Shatner is a great one for laughing at himself and I admire that.
Three greats lost in a space of a month. Percy Sledge Ben E King and the legend that is B.B. King. I just googled the words, “a boom boom boom boom,” and John Lee Hooker came up straight away! How cool is that?!
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I wrote a post a little while ago about arseholes that wear sunglasses indoors or at night because they think they look cool. There are exceptions to that – Ray Charles, Jack Nicholson, Neil Young, Spongebob Squarepants and me. I should add to that list of exceptions BB King and John Lee Hooker. All of them are as cool as cool can be. The music lives on.
I take it TJ Hookers partner was fit! I think Shatner appeared in an ad for holidays in California a while back and he cocked up his bit deliberately but it was funny. A bit like Arnie in the Compare the Meercat ads. It’s nice to see people like this are still able to take the piss out of themselves. In a way, that reminds me of you too. Being able to not take ones self too seriously and to make people laugh at your expense is a gift.
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I confess that I was a part of the whole arseylistic scene. The thing is, I knew that it was a arseholery thing to do, and yet I still did it. Why? Because I look bloody good in shades!
TJ Hookers partner was well fit! But then I was young and lusted over anything that had a pulse…or just breathed in general.
Wow! A gift? That’s a HUGE compliment! I’ve never seen it that way. Ooh that made me smile, and I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee yet!
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It goes without saying that YOU look cool in shades wherever you are and at all times of the day and night. I didn’t have you on the exceptions list as I thought it unnecessary as everyone knows you are the coolest dudette ever. I take it TJs partner wasn’t Huge Jackman cos I’m sure you’d remember. Was it me? I don’t think I was in that crapfest although I admit to not remembering an awful lot of that period. I will look it up on that greatest of great search machines – Bing.
As for gifts, there aren’t many people who can write amusing stories about personal disasters whether it be major or minor as in your lady mounds blocking your view and falling arse over teakettle but you do it post after post after post. So my advise to you (for what it’s worth, and it ain’t much!) is have the confidence to write a book and/or a script. I’d buy it.
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I take it it wasn’t Heather Locklear you had a crush on so that leaves either Adrian Zmed or James Darren. Both ugly blighters in my opinion!
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Ooh, I don’t know how I missed your comment Mr D. My girlfriends and I used to have ‘Pulp Fiction Night,’ but without the maiming and killing. We would put on a suit, don shades and head of to The Jazz Bar in Leicester Square…good times.
When you’re young, you view males through beer google-like sight. Then when you get older, you’re like,’eww, did I really fancy him?’ TJ Hooker’s partner (having just googled him) is like that. Didn’t Bing become extinct along with the dinosaurs and Internet explorer?
Haha! Mr D, I think you’re confusing ‘gift’ with having NO SHAME. What others see as inappropriate, I see as a part of life. As I’m currently going through the archives, you will notice several mentions of my derriere, Lady Lumps and my Lady Garden. And I’m waiting on you to get in touch with Simon Pegg. If I understood Twitter, I could stalk him.
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Ok. Gift/No shame. I always considered them interchangeable anyway. My eyesight never was great so going out on the pull was a bit of pot luck for me although I have to say it was usually the young lady I was with who looked a bit startled in the morning. I used to go to the Marquee club and watch the likes of Stan Webbs Chicken Shack and D’Artiste in Fulham. At least I think it was in Fulham. Somewhere round there anyway.
As for this Pegg bloke, I am going to get my son to explain Tweeter or whatever to me so I can stalk the bugger and get him to buy your story lines for many, many pounds. Possibly as many as ten or twelve. I look forward to hearing all about your lady bits. Now I have to go mow the bloody lawn again. You’d think that by now they could genetically alter grass so it only grew so high then stop. But no. They have to inflict that on us poor blokes so the lawn mower makers can make their millions. Bastards. Have a lovely day.
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I am really bummed hearing about your stinging nettle anti-slug campaign being flushed down the drain. I am still working on my Lantana thing. But I have kind of cheated and have gone back to using “Sluggo” works great. Of course, being in a drought and all the slugs and snails don’t seem to be as numerous this year. We are only allowed to water twice a week (but I don’t think my neighbors got the memo, because the one neighbor’s sprinklers come on at 0600 on the dot every single morning and the others at 2100 every night) What is that tall orange flower? Oh a triffid – I googled it. Very creepy looking, but cool!
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Not to worry, I have another bucket full being prepared as I reply and I’ll let you know the results. We’ve heard about your drought here in the UK, pool owners and gardeners did not get a good press! I no longer have any triffids in my garden now as I pulled them up and binned them. I leave some of the smaller weeds like dandelions because birds, Gold Finches in particular, like to eat the seed heads. I loved your post about one of your dogs catching a squirrel. It is pretty shocking when they do catch something.
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