Gardening

 

Me

Me

 

Perhaps the only thing that can be said about the lawn in our back garden is that it’s generally green! A small percentage of that greenness is caused by grass. The rest of the greenness is made up of moss (18%), clover (23%), buttercups (17%), daisies (16%), dandelions (12%), sundry other weeds etc (11%). I think when all the weeds are flowering it actually looks quite pretty and in my opinion having a garden that pleases your eye is really what it’s all about. The abuse the back lawn gets from the amount of football, basketball, cricket, hockey and rugby that the kids play on it makes maintaining it the way my dad maintained his lawn a bit of a waste of time. However, I have discovered method in my laziness. I have a cunning plan!

I have a cunning plan

I have a cunning plan

My dad used to expend huge amounts of energy, time and money on his lawn. Even when he was getting on a bit he would mow, weed and feed it constantly and it has to be said that 96.87% of his lawn was actually grass. Every year he would grab his lawn rake and spend the day furiously raking up every scrap of moss and dead grass. He would then spend the next week in hospital with a suspected coronary. Each spring he would scatter spring lawn feed over the lawn. Every autumn he would spread autumn lawn feed over his lawn. Every year he would aerate his lawn with his garden fork and chuck lawn sand everywhere. As far as I can make out “lawn sand” is ordinary sand in  bag marked “Lawn sand” enabling the retailer to sell it for three times the price. I could be wrong. My dad used so much weed killer and sundry other chemicals that his lawn would luminesce at night.

Personally, I try not to use chemicals and weed killers. I do use it on the paths where, typically, the grass grows quite happily. It’s the same with pests. I’m not allowed by law to use chemicals on the kids much as I may want to when they destroy my Choisya Ternata. I dislike slugs intensely but now as I grow older I try to think of them as little bunches of DNA sliming around doing what slugs naturally do.slug1-400x301

Which is EATING MY FUCKIN’ GARDEN YOU BASTARDS! DIE! DIE! DIE! KILL! YOU SNOT COVERED DOG TURDS, FUCK OFF AND DIE!hostas-being-terrorized-by-slugs

Ahem. Excuse the little rant. Sorry. Much as I try to remain calm the mere thought of slugs drives me potty. DIE YOU FUCKERS DIE! I wouldn’t mind so much but the fucker slug fucks DIE YOU SHITS DIE! in my garden all seem to look like and are the size of Jabba the Hutt with an appetite to match.review_jabba_1

I do apologise for my outburst. Anyway, generally speaking I’m quite fond of the little garden beasties, so if it’s not a s**g or a sn**l, I try to encourage them. Our back garden is effectively divided into two parts. Last week I gave the whole lawn its first cut of the year. Now I like bees. Hate wasps but like bees. Bees like clover. There’s clover in our lawn and clover when cut, takes about a week to start flowering again. So. Each week, weather permitting, I will mow one half of the lawn so that each half gets cut once every two weeks. That way it looks neat(ish), the bees have a constant supply of food and I get to put my feet up for an additional half hour having done my bit to save the planet! That’s what you call a cunning stunt. (unless you’re my sister Boo, the Queen of spoonerisms, in which case it’s something else entirely).

Boo. My sister. She looks nothing like this

Boo. My sister. She looks nothing like this

Speaking of beaver, Clit Eatswood is regularly ensconced in my beard. It seems to like it there and comes quite often.

I’ve wandered off again haven’t I?

I started gardening and enjoying it relatively late. To me it was something your dad did and therefore gardening was done by old people.gardener

When PIL and I first got together we lived in a nice house overlooking a little copse with a stream running through it. It had a garden. So in an effort to further impress her and to get her kit off as often as possible I started to garden. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing (still don’t). I built a little seat out of bricks and old fence posts at the bottom of the garden where we could sit and look out over the stream. As you would expect with something I built only three buttocks could fit on the seat but this was fine because it meant PIL sat on my lap. I started watching Gardeners World on the Beeb Beeb Ceeb and the presenter, the late Geoff Hamilton, became a bit of a hero to me.

The late Geoff Hamilton

The late Geoff Hamilton

I discovered I enjoyed gardening and even better, that I was quite good at it. I can never remember the name of plants but I can visualise what I want to do and get the plants that achieve my visualisation.

Part of our garden

Part of our garden

The best thing though is that if you cock it up and have a colour clash,  a plant in the wrong place or it doesn’t suit the scheme you’re trying to achieve all you do is dig the bugger up again and plant it somewhere else. Brilliant! It helps that both PIL and I prefer informal planting with lots of colour and form and that is easy to do. For instance, bees like foxgloves. We like foxgloves. Foxgloves self seed like nobodies business so you buy a few and let them seed and you end up with big swathes of purple foxgloves springing up in the most unexpected places.

Foxgloves

Foxgloves

If by chance they arrive where you don’t want them, just dig ’em up and plant them somewhere else.

I think most people know I like wild primroses.

20150312_113522

Dinky little plants with lovely yellow flowers in early spring. If you’re lucky you can get the pink form which is also lovely. You can’t just go and dig up wild flowers in England. Big fines if you’re caught. So I collect the seed which is legal. Not all of it, just enough for what I want. I pot the seeds up, they start to grow, plant them out and hey presto, loads of plants for nothing. Again, brilliant. Or you can take cuttings from your existing plants, pot them up and once again, a short time later, free plants! Herbaceous perennials are the best though. Buy one (or three), plant it immediately and enjoy the flowers. Then a year or two later, dig it up, divide it into two or three bits and replant. Then two or three years later dig each bit out again and divide it again. Bloody marvellous.

One year it wasn't there, the next it was! I did absolutely nothing.

One year it wasn’t there, the next it was! I did absolutely nothing.

The thing to never forget though is that no matter how much you enjoy the physical labour of gardening and the associated aches and pains, take time to actually look at your garden or (someone elses) and enjoy it.

A bit of our garden

A bit of our garden

Have a lovely day.

More Dick soon.auto

 

17 responses to “Gardening

  1. Oh my Lord! I almost choked on my own spit reading that rant!
    Never has a post about gardening, been so funny and so utterly amusing.
    I also love it when you wander off the topic slightly.

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    • Thank you Lily. I got told off by PIL for the “excessive use of the eff word” but s**gs and sn**ls have that effect on me. As for wandering off topic, thoughts pop into my head unannounced and often uninvited and when they do, if I don’t write it down straight away, I forget! I can hardly contain myself waiting for the next episode in your A-Z challenge. Marvellous stuff.

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  2. We have this stuff we use called “Sluggo”. Best stuff I ever found for killing those munching, bedding plant destroying, bastards.

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    • Ah. I can’t say I’ve seen that but I will look. Have you noticed how the bastards never eat weeds?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh my gosh! I was just thinking the exact same thing. Too bad you can’t train slugs to eat weeds, you could make millions. My Dad used to tell me they trained fleas with tutus to do trapeze stunts, how much harder could it be to train a slug to eat weeds?

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      • Fleas, tutus and trapezes that must be a sight to behold! I have another cunning plan. I just can’t think what it is at the moment. Something to do with making potions from weeds to put on ornamentals and potions from ornamentals to put on weeds. It’s confused me so it will certainly confuse sl*gs

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ooo! That’s brilliant!!!! How about this? I have Lantana in the garden that nothing touches. What if we took the oils from that and made a spray out it?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sounds like a plan. I was thinking that perhaps put a load of fresh stinging nettles (which sl**s never eat) in a bucket of water for a few days. Drain it off and spray the result on the plants the sl*gs attack. Sl*gs are stupid so they will think your prize hosta (or whatever) is a stinging nettle and wont eat it! We could start a whole new industry – harvesting nettles. I am going to try it out and let you know.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh! okay, I can’t wait to see how this works out. I think you are on to something. I mean it works for Zombies – I’m thinking Walking Dead, where they smear themselves in disgusting zombie goo and walk around completely undetected amongst gobs of zombies. Slugs can’t be much different!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Zombie – slug. Slug – zombie. Wow. We could turn this into a massive new industry making anti slug & anti zombie potions. Oils from your Lantana, gunk from stinging nettles. Environmentally friendly too!

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s all so brilliant and serendipitous, at the same time.

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  3. It’s rare to read a blog post I agree 100% with. This is it. I didn’t know about how easy it is to grow foxgloves, though. Must try those, as I love them to bits.

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    • Simple as anything. They’re biennials but they really do seed like crazy. I just them drop their seed and if any pop up where you don’t want them, just dig them up and replant them where you want them. They are lovely plants that don’t require a lot of care and bees in particular love them. Thank you for your kind comments

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