Monthly Archives: April 2015

For Lily Moose. Life and Death

Posted on April 25, 2015 | 15 comments

Lily is someone I have recently met via blogging. She may blush at this but she writes the bestest best blog ever. So go check it out at mixedupmoose.wordpress.com.

Lily doesn’t like spiders so I have deleted the pictures of the offending beasts from this post. The replacement photos have absolutely no relevance to this post but I think they’re funny.

In my last post I had a bit of a rant about certain slimy creatures and PIL was a bit put out by the effing and blinding that took place. This post however, I’m sure will be a lot more sedate. Talking of swearing and cursing reminds me of my mate Bunsen. For many years Bunsen was a “chock head” in the British Army.

My mate Bunsen. He looks EXACTLY like this

My mate Bunsen. He looks EXACTLY like this

A chock head is what the rest of the army call the Royal Engineers for a very good reason I’m sure. Anyway, Bunsen finished his career in the army as a senior NCO. He is the only man in the history of the British Army to be reprimanded for the “continuous and persistent use of foul and abusive language towards the sappers under his command.” He is also the only man I know to have mislaid a bridge. I would love to have a been a fly on the wall for that conversation!

This is not the subject I intended writing about.

My working week is a bit odd. I start on a Sunday usually and work until Wednesday some weeks and Thursday on others. Sometimes I’m working away from home for days on end. When I’m home though I think most of the lovely people who read my meanderings know that I like to take Dexter out for a nice long stroll in the boonies and have good look around and a poke about in the undergrowth. You have to be careful what you poke though. I once accidentally poked a wasp’s nest.swarmingwasps_0508_445x260

Big mistake! I ran off screaming like a girl but I didn’t get stung which I think is testament to the speed at which I departed the area. Warp factor 10 and a bit!runningbees

Yesterday, we were just strolling along the edge of a field. It was a gloriously sunny day and it was as peaceful as you could wish for. The crops were starting to sprout, some were already in flower, bluebells were springing up all over the wooded areas and hedgerows. The wild garlic was flowering and stopping vampires from pestering me. It was a truly beautiful day. Then rising out of the trees in a display of the most graceful flying I have ever seen were two large birds of prey. The way they swooped and circled each other made me think they were showing off to one another which in turn, made me think that perhaps they were a mating pair and that they had been on the nest so to speak when Dexter and I came along. They moved higher and further along as we walked along and it made me think and hope that maybe in a little while there will be three or four of them swooping about overhead. I certainly hope so. I’m no ornithologist but I think they were buzzards.

I wish I had taken this but I found it on the intertube

I wish I had taken this but I found it on the intertube

A twitcher would know what they were immediately although what Tourettes has to do with bird watching is beyond me. I really do hope that they do breed and there will be a few more beautiful birds gracing the air. As a matter of principle Dexter and I will avoid that area for a week or two so as not to disturb them.

A bit further along and a little while later, a movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention. Lots of sp****s are now out and about spinning their webs, catching their prey and scoffing it. What I had seen was a fly caught in a web by one of its legs and struggling to escape. The owner of the web had shot out of its lair and was struggling to subdue the fly.157577b8984b3815cc9e21ffc520bf2b

Now despite all the space, right next to this web was another one and in its struggle to subdue the fly, sp**** 1 must of touched the other web because a slightly larger version of sp****1 came rushing out, bit sp**** 1 and killed it! Nice way to treat a member of your own species I thought. Sp****s aren’t that much different to humans after all. While sp**** 2 was dragging the body of sp**** 1 back to its hidey hole it, in turn, must have touched another web because a big, black bastard suddenly appeared on the scene, bit sp*** 2 which dropped the carcass of spi*** 1 and the big bugger dragged sp**** 2 back to its dining room for lunch!aea51d5284a492b86cdfdf3dcc642f3a

Wow! You don’t get to see that every day. I know I keep banging on endlessly about this but today I saw what I hope will lead to new life. I also saw death and nature at its most savage albeit on a small scale and the reason I saw these things, as well as all the other wonderful stuff is because I was looking around admiring the beautiful things our world has to offer us and taking notice of it. To my mind, walking around paying attention is probably the best way to unwind, relax and to realise just how lucky we are. I know I am fortunate to live in the countryside where it’s easy to do this but even in urban areas it’s easily done if you make a little effort.

This scene is very close to where I have the great fortune to live

This scene is very close to where I have the great fortune to live

The fly? It escaped.

I asked PIL to check through this post for me to pick up on any errors. She was extremely pleased there has been no swearing today. Phew. I might get lucky later.

 

 

Have a fucking great day!

More Dick soon.auto

 

15 Comments

Posted in Countryside

Life and Death (continued)

Posted on April 24, 2015 | 8 comments

In my last post I mentioned how peaceful it had been when Dexter and I went for a walk yesterday. Having said that, something was preying at the back of my mind. Usually it’s something vulgar.2901_sharon_stone

But not yesterday and I couldn’t put my finger on what I was missing. Dexter and I have just returned from todays stroll in the country and while we were out the penny dropped. While there is a certain amount of livestock farming where we live, sheep, cows and possibly pigs, most of the farming is arable. Today, we walked a broadly similar route to yesterdays but giving a wide berth to where we saw the buzzards. I am very conscious of the fact that the fields and crops we walk through are someones livelihood and  keep to the tracks made through the crops by the farmers tractors. The fields we walked through today are growing oil seed rape which I think is called “canola” in North America. At the moment most of it is in flower. What was missing yesterday and also today was the sound of bees buzzing about pollinating.

Hardly a bee to be seen or heard

Hardly a bee to be seen or heard

I think I heard maybe 20 or so and saw no more than a dozen. Normally, I would expect to see dozens and dozens of ’em flying from flower to flower but not now. I know the bee in Britain is under threat from a mite that can devastate whole colonies in a year. It seems to be even worse this year. A lot of the trees and plants in the hedgerows are in flower now as well and they should be covered in bees but they’re not.

All these flowers and not a bee anywhere

All these flowers and not a bee anywhere

I like bees.bee:wasp

It’s why PIL and I try to have as many bee friendly flowers in our garden as possible and why we have clover growing in our lawn. I am now going to spend a little time looking into what is going on here because if crops aren’t pollinated by bees then the crop fails. No apples, pears, oranges or cherry. No fruit of any kind. It’s the same story with all crops.

I apologise if I’ve ruined your day. If not, then have a great one.

More Dick soon.auto

8 Comments

Posted in Countryside

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Life and Death

Posted on April 24, 2015 | 16 comments

In my last post I had a bit of a rant about certain slimy creatures and PIL was a bit put out by the effing and blinding that took place. This post however, I’m sure will be a lot more sedate. Talking of swearing and cursing reminds me of my mate Bunsen. For many years Bunsen was a “chock head” in the British Army.

My mate Bunsen. He looks EXACTLY like this

My mate Bunsen. He looks EXACTLY like this

A chock head is what the rest of the army call the Royal Engineers for a very good reason I’m sure. Anyway, Bunsen finished his career in the army as a senior NCO. He is the only man in the history of the British Army to be reprimanded for the “continuous and persistent use of foul and abusive language towards the sappers under his command.” He is also the only man I know to have mislaid a bridge. I would love to have a been a fly on the wall for that conversation!

This is not the subject I intended writing about.

My working week is a bit odd. I start on a Sunday usually and work until Wednesday some weeks and Thursday on others. Sometimes I’m working away from home for days on end. When I’m home though I think most of the lovely people who read my meanderings know that I like to take Dexter out for a nice long stroll in the boonies and have good look around and a poke about in the undergrowth. You have to be careful what you poke though. I once accidentally poked a wasp’s nest.swarmingwasps_0508_445x260

Big mistake! I ran off screaming like a girl but I didn’t get stung which I think is testament to the speed at which I departed the area. Warp factor 10 and a bit!runningbees

Yesterday, we were just strolling along the edge of a field. It was a gloriously sunny day and it was as peaceful as you could wish for. The crops were starting to sprout, some were already in flower, bluebells were springing up all over the wooded areas and hedgerows. The wild garlic was flowering and stopping vampires from pestering me. It was a truly beautiful day. Then rising out of the trees in a display of the most graceful flying I have ever seen were two large birds of prey. The way they swooped and circled each other made me think they were showing off to one another which in turn, made me think that perhaps they were a mating pair and that they had been on the nest so to speak when Dexter and I came along. They moved higher and further along as we walked along and it made me think and hope that maybe in a little while there will be three or four of them swooping about overhead. I certainly hope so. I’m no ornithologist but I think they were buzzards.buzzard1

A twitcher would know what they were immediately although what Tourettes has to do with bird watching is beyond me. I really do hope that they do breed and there will be a few more beautiful birds gracing the air. As a matter of principle Dexter and I will avoid that area for a week or two so as not to disturb them.

A bit further along and a little while later, a movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention. Lots of spiders are now out and about spinning their webs, catching their prey and scoffing it. What I had seen was a fly caught in a web by one of its legs and struggling to escape. The owner of the web had shot out of its lair and was struggling to subdue the fly.5151 Garden Spiderxx

Now despite all the space, right next to this web was another one and in its struggle to subdue the fly, spider 1 must of touched the other web because a slightly larger version of spider1 came rushing out, bit spider 1 and killed it! Nice way to treat a member of your own species I thought. Spiders aren’t that much different to humans after all. While spider 2 was dragging the body of spider 1 back to its hidey hole it, in turn, must have touched another web because a big, black spider suddenly appeared on the scene, bit spider 2 which dropped the carcass of spider 1 and the big bugger dragged spidey 2 back to its dining room for lunch!spider1

Wow! You don’t get to see that every day. I know I keep banging on endlessly about this but today I saw what I hope will lead to new life. I also saw death and nature at its most savage albeit on a small scale and the reason I saw these things, as well as all the other wonderful stuff is because I was looking around admiring the beautiful things our world has to offer us and taking notice of it. To my mind, walking around paying attention is probably the best way to unwind, relax and to realise just how lucky we are. I know I am fortunate to live in the countryside where it’s easy to do this but even in urban areas it’s easily done if you make a little effort.20140617_135825

The fly? It escaped.

I asked PIL to check through this post for me to pick up on any errors. She was extremely pleased there has been no swearing today. Phew. I might get lucky later.

 

 

Have a fucking great day!

More Dick soon.auto

 

16 Comments

Posted in Countryside

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Gardening

Posted on April 17, 2015 | 17 comments

 

Me

Me

 

Perhaps the only thing that can be said about the lawn in our back garden is that it’s generally green! A small percentage of that greenness is caused by grass. The rest of the greenness is made up of moss (18%), clover (23%), buttercups (17%), daisies (16%), dandelions (12%), sundry other weeds etc (11%). I think when all the weeds are flowering it actually looks quite pretty and in my opinion having a garden that pleases your eye is really what it’s all about. The abuse the back lawn gets from the amount of football, basketball, cricket, hockey and rugby that the kids play on it makes maintaining it the way my dad maintained his lawn a bit of a waste of time. However, I have discovered method in my laziness. I have a cunning plan!

I have a cunning plan

I have a cunning plan

My dad used to expend huge amounts of energy, time and money on his lawn. Even when he was getting on a bit he would mow, weed and feed it constantly and it has to be said that 96.87% of his lawn was actually grass. Every year he would grab his lawn rake and spend the day furiously raking up every scrap of moss and dead grass. He would then spend the next week in hospital with a suspected coronary. Each spring he would scatter spring lawn feed over the lawn. Every autumn he would spread autumn lawn feed over his lawn. Every year he would aerate his lawn with his garden fork and chuck lawn sand everywhere. As far as I can make out “lawn sand” is ordinary sand in  bag marked “Lawn sand” enabling the retailer to sell it for three times the price. I could be wrong. My dad used so much weed killer and sundry other chemicals that his lawn would luminesce at night.

Personally, I try not to use chemicals and weed killers. I do use it on the paths where, typically, the grass grows quite happily. It’s the same with pests. I’m not allowed by law to use chemicals on the kids much as I may want to when they destroy my Choisya Ternata. I dislike slugs intensely but now as I grow older I try to think of them as little bunches of DNA sliming around doing what slugs naturally do.slug1-400x301

Which is EATING MY FUCKIN’ GARDEN YOU BASTARDS! DIE! DIE! DIE! KILL! YOU SNOT COVERED DOG TURDS, FUCK OFF AND DIE!hostas-being-terrorized-by-slugs

Ahem. Excuse the little rant. Sorry. Much as I try to remain calm the mere thought of slugs drives me potty. DIE YOU FUCKERS DIE! I wouldn’t mind so much but the fucker slug fucks DIE YOU SHITS DIE! in my garden all seem to look like and are the size of Jabba the Hutt with an appetite to match.review_jabba_1

I do apologise for my outburst. Anyway, generally speaking I’m quite fond of the little garden beasties, so if it’s not a s**g or a sn**l, I try to encourage them. Our back garden is effectively divided into two parts. Last week I gave the whole lawn its first cut of the year. Now I like bees. Hate wasps but like bees. Bees like clover. There’s clover in our lawn and clover when cut, takes about a week to start flowering again. So. Each week, weather permitting, I will mow one half of the lawn so that each half gets cut once every two weeks. That way it looks neat(ish), the bees have a constant supply of food and I get to put my feet up for an additional half hour having done my bit to save the planet! That’s what you call a cunning stunt. (unless you’re my sister Boo, the Queen of spoonerisms, in which case it’s something else entirely).

Boo. My sister. She looks nothing like this

Boo. My sister. She looks nothing like this

Speaking of beaver, Clit Eatswood is regularly ensconced in my beard. It seems to like it there and comes quite often.

I’ve wandered off again haven’t I?

I started gardening and enjoying it relatively late. To me it was something your dad did and therefore gardening was done by old people.gardener

When PIL and I first got together we lived in a nice house overlooking a little copse with a stream running through it. It had a garden. So in an effort to further impress her and to get her kit off as often as possible I started to garden. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing (still don’t). I built a little seat out of bricks and old fence posts at the bottom of the garden where we could sit and look out over the stream. As you would expect with something I built only three buttocks could fit on the seat but this was fine because it meant PIL sat on my lap. I started watching Gardeners World on the Beeb Beeb Ceeb and the presenter, the late Geoff Hamilton, became a bit of a hero to me.

The late Geoff Hamilton

The late Geoff Hamilton

I discovered I enjoyed gardening and even better, that I was quite good at it. I can never remember the name of plants but I can visualise what I want to do and get the plants that achieve my visualisation.

Part of our garden

Part of our garden

The best thing though is that if you cock it up and have a colour clash,  a plant in the wrong place or it doesn’t suit the scheme you’re trying to achieve all you do is dig the bugger up again and plant it somewhere else. Brilliant! It helps that both PIL and I prefer informal planting with lots of colour and form and that is easy to do. For instance, bees like foxgloves. We like foxgloves. Foxgloves self seed like nobodies business so you buy a few and let them seed and you end up with big swathes of purple foxgloves springing up in the most unexpected places.

Foxgloves

Foxgloves

If by chance they arrive where you don’t want them, just dig ’em up and plant them somewhere else.

I think most people know I like wild primroses.

20150312_113522

Dinky little plants with lovely yellow flowers in early spring. If you’re lucky you can get the pink form which is also lovely. You can’t just go and dig up wild flowers in England. Big fines if you’re caught. So I collect the seed which is legal. Not all of it, just enough for what I want. I pot the seeds up, they start to grow, plant them out and hey presto, loads of plants for nothing. Again, brilliant. Or you can take cuttings from your existing plants, pot them up and once again, a short time later, free plants! Herbaceous perennials are the best though. Buy one (or three), plant it immediately and enjoy the flowers. Then a year or two later, dig it up, divide it into two or three bits and replant. Then two or three years later dig each bit out again and divide it again. Bloody marvellous.

One year it wasn't there, the next it was! I did absolutely nothing.

One year it wasn’t there, the next it was! I did absolutely nothing.

The thing to never forget though is that no matter how much you enjoy the physical labour of gardening and the associated aches and pains, take time to actually look at your garden or (someone elses) and enjoy it.

A bit of our garden

A bit of our garden

Have a lovely day.

More Dick soon.auto

 

17 Comments

Posted in Gardening

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D.I.Y.

Posted on April 9, 2015 | 6 comments

I’m not very good at DIY.middle-age-man-tools-18781280

Even the most basic of jobs involves a great deal of effing and blinding on my part.05-DIY-guide

Despite that, I’ll give it a go especially if it stops PIL (a.k.a. She Who Must Be Obeyed) from bending my earhole. However, it can take me some time to complete, let alone start, a DIY task.

About 6 months ago, we went out and bought some wood flooring to put in our two bathrooms. A few weeks later, I summoned the courage and pulled up the carpet from the main bathroom. Now here’s some advise if you have sons. Never, and I mean NEVER, have carpet in the bathroom! No matter how big the toilet bowl may be, they will miss! Sons take the expression “spray your boots” quite literally. A week later, after having my ear bent and with blood coursing from both ears, I started laying the new flooring. God, it was complicated! After three days and much cursing and several thousand cups of tea, the job was basically done and, even if I say so myself, it looked jolly splendid as long as you ignored the fiddly bits around the toilet and hand basin pedestal that I hadn’t finished off. Actually, to be grammatically correct I should say “haven’t finished off”! I plan to do that tomorrow. The other bathroom? I plan to do that tomorrow as well. I’ve been busy!

I really must stop saying that because as soon as I do PIL knows she has me by the short hairs as I can never remember what it is I’ve been busy doing. PILs response is always:

“Busy doing what?”

“Errr. You know. Stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“Well. I put the rubbish out, walked the dog and emptied the dishwasher.”

“And that took all day did it?”

“Welllllll. I watched six episodes of “Suits” that I’d recorded and you wanted to delete ‘cos it was clogging up the Sky+ box and I had a couple of beers.”811f99a0-dd1c-0131-e383-34b52f6f1279

And so on. Heaven help any man who dares to ask his wife or girlfriend what they’ve been up to all day. One day I’ll figure out but I’m not holding my breath!

Carrying out a DIY project promptly does have it’s drawbacks as well. When we first moved into the house we discovered boxes of floor tiles left behind by the builders. The ones I looked at matched the tiles in the kitchen and utility room so we decided to hang on to them until the time came to replace the hall carpet. Early last year the time duly arrived. I won’t do tiles because it involve complicated stuff like straight lines and being level – far beyond my capabilities. It also involves exotic substances like “Grout” and “Tile adhesive” which would more than likely result in me being stuck in the middle of the hall as a permanent feature. Or, if not me, certainly at least one of my boots! So I arranged for my builder mate, BUFF to come and do it.

My mate BUFF.

My mate BUFF.

The day before he was due, I ripped up the hall carpet, pulled up those bits of wood with nails sticking out and disposed of them at the council dump. I stacked the boxes of tiles, all with identical descriptions and batch numbers in the kitchen along with the grout and adhesive. I prepared everything ready for BUFFs arrival the next day. PIL was impressed. BUFF duly arrived, had a cup of tea, opened the boxes to discover the previous builders were comedians. Underneath the top tile in each box which matched our existing ones were 6 different types of tile! There were enough tiles of one type to tile the downstairs loo. PIL was no longer impressed. At least I don’t think she was because she didn’t start talking to me again until about a month later and I didn’t fancy bringing the subject up again. In the meantime the hall floor remains bare concrete. We have decided on the type of covering but we’re still agonising over the colour.

I think PIL is a glutton for punishment because a couple of months ago we (by which I mean PIL) decided to change the ceiling lights in the hall, living room and dining room. We would need 5 new lights. Two in the hall, two in the living room and one in the dining room. I think PIL felt reassured that I had managed to count the number of new lights required accurately. Hey, four fingers, one thumb. What’s hard about that? I kept quiet about it though. So PIL went ahead and ordered one new light! Apparently it was to check it would look ok. As soon as it arrived 7 weeks ago, I opened the box, checked it, made sure all the bits were there and read the instructions which seemed to be written in some weird pidgin English. I put it up last week. I’m not very fond of electricity as it has the capacity to kill you so I wanted a responsible adult present in case I electrocuted myself and needed CPR.finger-in-socket-1

PIL was as close as I could get. It was a bit risky because if I fucked this up she may have just let me die!

I turned the ceiling lights On. I went to the garage and turned the fused switch labelled “Downlights” to Off while hoping that the electrician who labelled the fuses wasn’t a bloody comedian as well. I returned to the living room to confirm the ceiling lights were indeed off. They were. An excellent start. I took down the existing light and wired up the new one taking particular care to connect the wires correctly. Less than an hour later the new light was up and I’ve got to say it looked the dogs danglies! Fantastic! I might just get to see PIL naked later. I went back to the garage and flipped the fuse to On. As I came out of the garage I heard PIL shout,

“It’s alight”

Fuck! Shit! Bollocks! Jesus fucking Christ! No! Dear God, please don’t burn our home down. I’ll be a good boy and promise not to fuckin’ swear ever again!

Thinking quickly, i.e. panicking because the bloody house was on fire, I rushed back into the garage and turned the fuse off. Racing back through the kitchen, I heard PIL shout,

“It’s gone out.”

Thank fuck. And you as well God. I grabbed the fire extinguisher we keep in the kitchen.

(PIL is a great cook but as she often does that thing that women call ‘multi-tasking’ and blokes call ‘fucking several things up at the same time’, she has been known to burn water so we keep an extinguisher near the stove. Just in case.)TMN-frying-pan-blog-620

Where was I? Oh yeah. The kitchen. Grabbing the extinguisher I legged it to the living room. PIL was a bit startled at my sudden appearance. She looked at the extinguisher.

“What’s that for?”

“You said the light was alight” I replied.

PIL looked at me with that look that all women use when they are dealing with an imbecile and said,

“You plank! I meant the light was lit and working.”

How PIL sees me

How PIL sees me

And with a sigh of resignation she wandered off to the garage and switched the lights back on again.

PIL ordered the other four lights online and we collected them yesterday from the store. When we got home I put them all up straight away. I must say PIL has taste. The new ceiling lights look bloody marvellous. When it got dark PIL turned the wall lights on!

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.auto

6 Comments

Posted in D.I.Y.

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Beard Update

Posted on April 7, 2015 | 6 comments

 

Beards and bubble gum do not go well together! It is not a good look!

 

 

stock-photo-a-cartoon-person-with-an-exploded-bubblegum-bubble-all-over-their-face-95764243

 

Have a great day.

More Dick soon

auto

My thanks to the intertube thingy and shutterstock.

6 Comments

Posted in Humour

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Luck.

Posted on April 4, 2015 | 2 comments

The other day I bought a lottery ticket. The idea being that you select 6 numbers between 1 and 49. You buy a ticket for each draw. Then twice a week the organisers have a draw. If you get all six correct you can win a large sum of tax-free cash, often many millions of pounds. I don’t know what the odds of winning the main prize are but I’m sure that Abyssbrain or Steve Morris would be able to work it out using some complicated formula. All I know is it’s probably something like:

x-y= Dick, you have no fucking chance sunshine.

Anyway, I got 4 of the numbers correct and won 35 quid. Lucky man you may think but then PIL mentioned that if I had got all 6 I would have won £1.1 million! Unlucky then. Or was I? It got me thinking about being “lucky” and how it can be interpreted and as ever that meant having a little bit of research using the all round the world interweb thingy. During the course of my research I came across a couple of news items that I think demonstrate what I’m getting at.

On the 6th August 1945 a young Japanese ship designer called Tsutomu Yamaguchi was visiting Hiroshima on a business trip when suddenly there was a bright flash followed by a huge explosion and the building Mr. Yamaguchi was in fell over. The first ‘A’ bomb, “Little Boy”, had just gone off about 3 kilometers from where he had been standing. Despite serious burns to his upper body and a loss of hearing, Mr. Yamaguchi made his way to an air raid shelter where his burns were attended to. The following couple of days were spent trying to get back to his office to continue work. He eventually got back to his office in Nagasaki on the 9th August and was explaining to his boss what had happened when suddenly there was another bright flash, followed by another huge explosion and once again the building he was standing in fell over. The second ‘A’ bomb, “Fat Man”, had gone off about 3 kilometers from where he was standing. Mr. Yamaguchi received further burns but survived. Crikey! Unlucky or what? To get blown up by nuclear weapons twice in three days has got to be unlucky right? I don’t think so. I think he was a very lucky man. He eventually died of stomach cancer on the 4th January 2010 aged 93. Apart from the loss of hearing in his left ear and many years of treatment for his burns, he enjoyed “robust health”. He was married and had a son and a daughter and they probably had children of their own although I could find no reference to this. He enjoyed an active life and as you would expect, was a voracious campaigner against nuclear weapons. I’m sure he would have preferred not to have not been nuked at all and was probably unlucky to have it happen twice but in the overall scheme of things he survived and lived as full a life as he could. A lucky man.

Mr. Tsutomu Yamaguchi

Mr. Tsutomu Yamaguchi

A little while ago a Chinese chap, Fan Lung, a married father of five forgot to log out of his wife’s email account after sending his mistress a bit of a steamy email along with (allegedly) photos of his willy. As you can guess, his wife discovered this email with attached willy shots and went into a terrible rage. While Fan Lung slept she grabbed a pair of scissors and cut her husbands dick off! Luckily for Fan Lung the hospital he attended following this incident were able to re attach his appendage. However, Mrs. Lung who was still doing her nut about her husbands infidelity decided she wasn’t having this so she crept into the hospital, found her husband and promptly cut his dick off again, lobbing the offending member out of the hospital window. She then legged it, closely pursued by Fan Lung who was literally pissing blood and none too happy. He caught his wife outside the hospital and proceeded to beat her until hospital staff stopped him. A search for the missing penis was conducted but no trace of it was found. It was thought that while this Fan Lung bloke was beating his wife up, a stray cat or dog happened along and scoffed it! Lucky or unlucky? I don’t really give a shit. I have no time for men who beat women up so I’m glad he’ll not get his knob sewn back on again. I wish his wife had cut his balls off too and fed them to a nearby animal. To my way of thinking, Fan Lung is a nasty piece of work and deserved everything he got.

Anyway, have a perfectly splendid day.

More Dick soon. (Unless you’re Fan Lung of course)

auto

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Looked. Saw nothing

Posted on April 3, 2015 | Leave a comment

Out today with Dexter for his walkies and my chill out time as usual on my days off. It was very misty and visibility was down to maybe a hundred yards at most. All the colour was washed out and it was impossible to see anything so everything was on audio. I could hear the seagulls and I heard something run off into the undergrowth but didn’t see a damned thing and it was brilliant. As everything was so still and quiet, if you listened carefully you could hear stuff you wouldn’t normally. I could hear bird song with amazing clarity, I could hear Dexter snuffling around in the undergrowth, I heard the rustle of leaves, I could hear the squelch of my wellies as I walked through the mud, I heard Dexter fart two hundred yards away! Thank goodness we have five senses. Today was a nice reminder to use more than just one.

Very still and very quiet. Bliss.

Very still and very quiet. Bliss.

Yesterday was the complete opposite. It was a warm and sunny day. Visibility was great and everything looked as sharp as a pin. I took the chance to continue with Dexters training and spent some time getting him to “Sit” and “Stay”. When I say “some time”, what I really mean was “a lot of time”. As it was such a clear day it wasn’t just me that could see everything for miles around. So while Dexter was happy to sit for a second or two, something would distract him and off he went in pursuit. Still a bit of work to do there I think.

I saw a rabbit! I saw a rabbit. Honest. I saw a rabbit!

I saw a rabbit! I saw a rabbit. Honest. I saw a rabbit!

 

I saw a squirrel! I saw a squirrel. Honest. I saw a squirrel!

I saw a squirrel! I saw a squirrel. Honest. I saw a squirrel!

Unfortunately, Dexter now also answers to “Sit. You bastard”!

An hour later!

An hour later!

More Dick soon.

Have a smashing day.

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