Beard Update

Like most other days when I’m working, I pop into Starbucks round the corner from where I work to grab a coffee before I start. The staff know me quite well. I walk in and pay, my coffee is ready. Venti latte, extra hot, wet, house bean, to go. Lovely. The other day I walked in and one of the girls working there said to me, “Hello Father Christmas. How’s Rudolph?” I replied I was going to Costas next door from now on. We both laughed. I didn’t go to Costas though. I prefer Starbucks.  So now you know.father-christmas-444794775

Apparently, I look like Father Christmas and I have decided therefore to call my beard Nick. Having said that, some of my so-called friends who, as you may be aware, are massive piss takers, have decided I look uncannily like some other old geezer and a photo is now doing the rounds.IMG-20150302-WA0001

I had to trim it up the other day as it was looking a bit unkempt but it’s starting to look like a proper beard so much so that I’m considering a career change. Should I become a Viking Berserker? Probably not. Most Vikings were gingers and I can’t be dealing with that. Don’t like the headgear either.


Perhaps a pirate? Don’t think so. Most images of pirates these days are of that Depp bloke as Cap’n Jack Sparra and that’s not me.Become a pirate

A biker? Can’t ride a motorbike so that’s out of the question.


Love the beard. That’s what I’m heading for. Same amount of hair on our heads too


Father Christmas? The works too seasonal for me so that’s a no too. Papa Smurf then? I may be a Chelsea supporter but I’m not actually blue so that’s out.

A wildlife sanctuary? Well, I’m doing that already but is there any money in it? Certainly worth considering though.beaver

A career change now is a big decision at my age so I’m going to take some time out and seriously think about what I should do in future. I will keep you posted on the beard and on any decision on a career change. watch this space.


The beaver? It’s a regular visitor to my beard now. It gets quite moist. It comes. It goes. I’m looking forward to it coming again very soon. PIL has decided to name it. She calls it Clit EatsWood. Who am I to argue? It’s her beaver.ShaveBeaverCartoon

Have a great day.

More Dick soonauto

13 responses to “Beard Update

  1. I couldn’t keep from laughing out loud reading this! Fantastic 🙂


  2. You’re killing me with these Beaver posts!
    You keep updates on your beard? Now that’s funny. I’m now tempted to call you Papa Smurf. And who doesn’t love a woman who knows how to keep her beaver clean, as illustrated in that last picture.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beard up dates sounded like a good idea at the time. Still is and I have every intention of keeping people updated with my beard and how Clit the Beaver is doing. Clit is one of those designer beaver you can get these days like a labradoodle. Sometimes she’s a Brazillian beaver and other times she’s a beaver from Hollywood.
      Someone called me Bill Oddie the other day and I’ve also been asked for the latest copy of the Big Issue! Bastards

      Liked by 1 person

      • LOL!! Sorry, but the Big Issue comment made me choke on the vapours of my vapourlite! I quite like the idea of a beard update. It’s like Nature Watch but with beards.
        As a designer beaver, has Clit ever had a vajazzle? All the posh beavers are doing it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I find all kinds of nature in my beard apart from beaver. Ask Monkey Boy. He has the same problem apparently. A beard is pretty useful for keeping snacks in as well. I had a lovely curry for brunch the other day.
        I have no idea what a vajazzle is. I’ve not seen any jewellery but Clit is very sparkly.


      • Just Googled vajazzle. Sorry for being so ignorant. Yep. My favourite is the butterfly.


      • I’m more a fan of the goatee beard. I remember when my ex grew a full beard and the disater that followed when I tried to kiss him…three days I was trapped in that thing!

        You should Google ‘vajazzle’. I think you’ll find it most interesting.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Goatees aren’t beards. They’re accessories like you get in ‘Clares’. The whole point of a proper beard is to a) get a woman completely entangled and b) to offer a warm and snug place for beaver to snuggle down. Goatees are for boys.
        I did Google vajazzle. I liked the images. For some reason I thought vajazzles were to do with piercings and such like, but yeah good old Clit has had a few moments. The “Eat Me” one springs to mind for some bizarre reason. Trouble is, with a beard, everyone knows what you’ve been up to!


      • That is the best insult EVER directed at goatees.
        I’m not sure I want to share my beard space with a beaver. Especially if it’s a particularly hairy beaver. You’d probably need to shave it first, or at least give it a little trim, because my skin can be quite sensitive.

        Oh my lord! You eat beavers?! First you offer them sanctuary and then you devour them! The horror!

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s the joy of designer beaver. Very neat and tidy. Well groomed.
        I watch too many Bear Grylls programmes. Beaver is very yummy.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Doesn’t the beaver hairs get stuck in between your teeth?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Useful for flossing but it depends on what designer beaver it is.

        Liked by 1 person

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