I had started to think that the other dog walkers considered me a bit of a weirdo. “Oh no! It’s that boring old fart who talks to the trees! I’ll pretend to be on my phone. He’ll get bored and go away.”
Thinking about it, that’s probably exactly what they think but today I met a soul mate. She had a dog, she was out walkies but she didn’t have a phone. She had BINOCULARS! We had a conversation. She was called Amelia, her chocolate-brown labrador was called Willy (as in Wonka), she had only just moved to the area, she ran her own successful business from home. She was posh and very plummy. She took a break to take her dog for a walk every day and never took her phone with her. When I asked about that she replied, “Oh do fuck orf! My staff can manage without me for a couple of hours.” I liked her. We saw stuff, we shared her binoculars. We saw a Wren poking about in a tree, we saw and heard a Woodpecker doing that headbanger thing that Woodpeckers do. We concluded Woodpeckers have a Slipknot album playing on a continuous loop in their heads.
A heavy metal fan
We saw Jays, Magpies, Blackbirds, Thrushes, Pheasants, pesky wabbits and a tiddly little mouse. We found Badger setts and pesky wabbit holes. There were countless seagulls circling overhead searching for freshly washed cars to crap on. Why is it that little birds never crap on your clean car? It’s always birds with cow-like arseholes.
Anyway, we saw dozens of clumps of wild primroses in flower and a copse full of wild garlic springing to life. The two photos below are ones that I took earlier today.
Wild garlic growing nearby. The leaves are great to eat. Helps to avoid getting bruised necks too
I like garlic. I eat it to keep vampires away. It seems to work because I’ve never been attacked by a vampire let alone met one since I started to eat it. Mind you, I suspect that a girl I knew when I was a teenager might have been one because she was always attacking my neck. I think her fangs must have been blunt as she never drew blood but by Christ did she bruise my neck! My mum, when she spotted the bruises said I should be very careful as I might make her pregnant! That’s one of the things I loved about my mum. She was a fountain of wisdom and she was the holder of all knowledge in the known Universe. Until then I had never known how female vampires got pregnant. I thought baby vampires were found under a gooseberry bush like everyone else. Now I do know. They take a lump out of your throat and Bish Bash Bosh, nine months later you’re father to a baby vampire. Breast feeding that little sucker must be a nightmare! Be warned.
So there you go. At least two people on this planet know that it won’t end if you don’t carry your phone everywhere with you. Three if you count my sister Boo but she doesn’t carry a phone with her anyway in case she falls over again and breaks it. You could also include PIL. She does carry a phone with her at all times but it’s at the bottom of her bag where she can’t hear or find it!
Try it. Go out for a stroll and look around. Leave your phone behind. I promise you the world will not end. Your company won’t go bust. Your wife/husband/whatever will not leave you. If, by some fluke, any of these things do happen though, don’t blame me. I’m just a lunatic who talks to the trees!
Have a fantastic day.
More Dick soon.
Posted in Countryside
Tagged badgers, binoculars, bird crap on cars, blackbirds, hickies, humor, humour, jays, labrador, love bite, magpies, mum, old fart, pregnant vampires, Slipknot, soul mate, talking to trees, thrushes, vampires, wild garlic, wild primroses, woodpeckers, wrens
Every now and again, despite following 2HelpfulGuys, I get a bit down in the dumps. I’m rarely miserable for long as I tend towards looking on the bright side. In fact, one of the songs I want played at my funeral is Eric Idles version of “Always look on the bright side of life” along with “Gimme Shelter” by the Rolling Stones which I think is the best song ever, “Racing in the Street” by Bruce Springsteen and “Call Me the Breeze” by Lynyrd Skynyrd . Mostly I chose them as a) I like the songs and b) I think they tend to sum me up. Strangely, my favourites, Neil Young and Linkin Park (who I work out to) don’t feature. I hope they don’t get played together any time soon!
I’m going off at a tangent again aren’t I?
I was feeling a bit miserable because I was stuck. I was at a loss as to what to write about. So then I read through some of the blogs I follow and got depressed! They were so well written. Tessa at ‘Nothing was Said‘ expressed her excitement over her upcoming interview with the Peace Corps brilliantly. John at ‘Storytime with John’ described his first time skiing with such wit that I nearly wet myself laughing. Steve at BlogBloggerBloggest posted a letter to an 11-year-old that was so immense I actually applauded when I finished reading it. The ‘Chatty Rachel‘ produces prolific amounts of witty one liners and “helpful” suggestions to us blokes on how to increase our desirability to women that crack me up every time I read them. I felt my own writing attempts were crap in comparison. Then I think the sun came out and I realised my writing isn’t crap. It’s different to the blogs I’ve mentioned. I write about different things in a different way and that’s as it should be. I’ve only been blogging since November so I’m still new to it and while my first efforts are somewhat bloated in comparison to my later efforts, I can see an improvement in the way I write and what I write about. My blog is evolving and I’m pleased about that. So now I’m a happy bunny and I see I have many things to write about. If just one person smiles at something I’ve written, says “Too true bud” or even “Thats a load of rubbish you moron” then I’ve achieved what I set out to achieve. I got people to react to what I’m writing. Still have an issue with when and where to use commas and apostrophes though but I’m sure it will get better and hopefully I’ll be forgiven if I mess it up now and again.
My thanks to the people I’ve mentioned in this post. They are totally unaware of it but they have inspired me to continue and helped me past my block. I appreciate it.
More Dick soon.
Have a truly inspirational day
Posted in Blogging
Tagged 2HelpfulGuys, blogging, Bruce Springsteen, choices, Eric Idle, evolving blog, happy bunny, humor, humour, Linkin Park, looking on the bright side, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Neil Young, Nothing was Said, one liners, Peace Corps, Rolling Stones, skiing, Steve Morris, Storytime with John, the bright side, The Chatty Rachel