Monthly Archives: February 2015

Just Look 3

Oh no! He’s off on one again! Don’t deny it. That’s what you’re thinking but I just had to write this. I could not believe what just happened.

A lot of stuff I see when walking the dog or indeed, just on a normal day-to-day basis, tend to small things. Plants in flower at the wrong time of year, little critters scampering around in the undergrowth, birds catching prey in the distance, so I understand to an extent that other people may not notice. They may well see things I don’t and I’m fine with that. However, today was different.

Once again, despite the rain, the wind and the chill I was walking Dexter out in the boonies. We bumped into a bloke we see from time to time also walking his dog and we walked together for a while. Typically, this bloke was on his phone sending emails I think and he was totally wrapped up in it. No conversation, no looking about, so I get bored and Dexter and I eventually go off in a different direction. While we still all walking along together, I noticed something about 200 yards in front of us just as we came out of some woods into a field. I didn’t say anything because I was curious to see how long it would take this bloke to notice. We got closer and closer and still no reaction from my fellow dog walker as he emailed all kinds of unknown stuff to all kinds of unknown places. It amazes me we get 4G in the middle of nowhere! Dexter woofed at the thing in front of us. The other dog also woofed at it. No reaction. Eventually, we squeezed past this thing and STILL he didn’t notice! I was astounded. A few yards further on I said my farewells and strode off in a different direction. It wasn’t a thing of beauty he missed, it wasn’t a small plant in flower or any kind of wildlife nor was it unusual except that it didn’t belong. I went back later and took a photograph. I think this bloke will soon become a statistic. You’ll see what I mean a bit further down.


How can you NOT see this!

If I ever get to the stage where I don’t notice stuff, any stuff, I want my children to take me to the cliffs at Beachy Head and set me off walking towards the edge!

By the way, the beard’s coming along just fine.


Have a smashing day. Open your eyes and take some time to look around.

More Dick soon



This post is directed at all those people who think they look cool wearing sunglasses indoors or at night. You don’t! You look idiotic. Take a hint from what they’re called. The sun isn’t out at night, it’s gone sleepies. Nor does it shine indoors. So stop being a twat and TAKE THEM OFF!

The chances of the sort of egocentric, narcissist who does wear sunglasses at night ever reading this splendid, intelligent, well written and witty blog are probably 17 billion to 1. Bearing in mind that the current world population is 7,324,782,000 that makes for pretty lousy odds.

As with everything, there are exceptions. Only five people in the whole world look cool wearing shades at night and they are (in no particular order):

Ray Charles


Jack Nicholson

Michael Tighe Archive "Jack Nicholson"

Neil Young (the coolest dude ever)



And now I have a beard – me!20150302_112150-1

Everyone else looks stupid. If you think someone else DOES look cool wearing shades at night then let me know and I’ll either snort with derision:


Or applaud your own coolness:


Which coming from an old fart like me means nothing at all!

Have a great day.

More Dick soon.




Beard update

I did say I would let you know how my beard gets on. I have to say it’s coming along just fine. My whiskers finally took the hint and started to grow again and while it’s looking a whole load betterĀ it’s a bit uneven but I’ll give it another week or so and maybe then, if it’s still a bit straggly, I’ll tidy it up.


Beards. Mine looks nothing like this. Yet.

I’ve not really decided yet but I think I’ll grow it as a full-blown, proper blokes beard, not a goatee or a thing that needs a whole bunch of care. They’re not beards, they’re accessories.


Yep. Mine’s more like this.

There are a couple of things I’ve noted about having a beard. First, a beard really does keep your face warm and at this time of year, when you’re outside a lot, a warm face is lovely. Now, what happens in the summer when it’s sunny and warm I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. Some beardies reckon that having a beard makes them hot all year round!


I hope

Another thing I’ve noticed is that a beard is very useful if you’re feeling a bit peckish. At work the other day I was feeling a bit hungry and I discovered some apple pie and custard from our previous nights meal in my beard so I scoffed that for a kind of brunch. Very yummy it was too.


I prefer dessert in mine.

Finally, beards are very useful as a wildlife sanctuary and I have a beaver moving in very shortly. In fact, any minute now. I like beaver. Nice to stroke, good to eat. Just don’t tell Bear Grylls. Let him continue to eat crap!


I will keep you up dated on the beard.

Have a smashing day.

More Dick soon.


Just Look 2

This is a subject I will no doubt return to again and again. I do get a bee in my bonnet about this.

Earlier today I took Dexter for walkies out to the fields and woods near where we live. He has the time of his life sniffing around, digging holes, chasing sticks and every now and again chasing rabbits. I also take advantage of this hour or so to recharge my batteries, contemplate my navel and just generally chill out. I admit I take my phone with me but that’s just because it’s not unknown for Dexter to knock me over in his pursuit of a sniff and I take it with me “just in case”. While we were out we bumped into a woman we see from time to time when she walks her dog Dolce. As a change she decided to join us on our route as she normally walks her dog up to Castle hill and beyond while we tend to walk out into the fields and woods. Strangely, the mobile signal is far better out in the middle of nowhere than it is where I live and the woman I was walking with decided to take full advantage of this. (She shall remain nameless). She spent a large portion of our walk sending and replying to emails, she sent a few texts, made three work related phone calls and as far as I could tell was totally oblivious to everything around her. Our conversation was non-existent and I admit to getting a bit pissed off so Dexter and I made our excuses and headed off.


Harebell in flower months before it should be

During that period she didn’t notice a thing around her whereas I’d seen a number of things that had caught my eye because they were unusual. For a lot of people this is likely to be indescribably boring but I noted a number of plants in flower which when you consider it’s only February is remarkable in itself as these plants are not due to come into flower until April or later, there was a pheasant hiding in the undergrowth, a kestrel swooped on something in the fields and flew off with it. Dexter disturbed a field mouse which scrambled away under the ivy. There was all kinds of stuff going on and this woman just didn’t realise.


Wild primroses in flower in February

Why do people do this? It’s saturday, you’re walking your dog in some pretty amazing countryside and you spend all your time on the phone! What a total waste of some valuable down time. I know that many people lead busy lives but to my mind that is even more reason to take any opportunity to relax.


Look closely and you will see what I saw

I said this last time I wrote about this and I’ll keep on saying it. Give yourself a break. It’s all very well thinking you are constantly in touch but in reality you have lost touch. You have lost touch with whats going on around you and narrowing your focus like that effects all aspects of your life so for goodness sake when the chance to take a breather comes along, take it.

Enough of this for now.

Have a smashing day (turn your phone off)

More Dick soon


Animals Who Think They’re People (#18)

Nothing more to add

Bear Grylls

On the subject of beards or lack of them, my son Greg is a huge fan of the Bear Gyrlls survival programmes. If civilisation ever goes tits up, we’ll be looking to Greg to light fires, set traps for food, advise us on what type of tree bark to use as soap and building shelters for us. Bear has done loads of series on how to survive in the wilderness. Recently he has done episodes accompanied by a variety of celebs including Jonathan Ross, Jake Gyllenhaal and Zac Efron, who was a bit of a wuss. As Bear and Zac were hanging from a sheer cliff hundreds of feet above a raging torrent supported only by a few vines, Zac bleated “Oh Bear. I don’t know if this is the right time to say but I can’t swim.” Bear looked at him a bit skew whiff and said, “Don’t worry mate. It’s not the water that will kill you!” I think Zac did a bit in his pants! Anyway, usually what happens is that Bear gets left in the middle of a swamp/desert/jungle/forest/arctic wasteland and armed only with a knife, a flint, a length of paracord and the clothes he’s stood up in, he sets off to find his way back to civilisation. It normally takes him two or three days to get back. He fords rapid rivers, abseils down cliffs, wades through oozy, slimy swamps and traverses mountainous sand dunes. He eats all kind of crap. Scorpions, snakes, worms, grubs, bark, rotting carcases. You name it, Bear will eat it. At the end of each day he builds a shelter out of anything to hand, lights a fire and cooks some of the crap he’s collected on his travels. He is exhausted, filthy and hungry. bear_grylls_born_shit_eater_by_bulletreaper117-d71ypk2 The next morning he gets up and he’s clean-shaven, clothes are dry, washed and ironed, teeth are all clean and sparkly and he’s eating a leg of lamb and some toast for breakfast. How does he do that?

Have a great day

More Dick soon auto


All images were found on the intertube, all round the world web thingy and sourced via Sergei & Larry’s fire engine.


A couple of Saturdays ago most of my tribe were watching “The Voice” on TV. It’s crap but harmless crap. The exception was my eldest boy Ed who was at Uni involved in the initiation ceremony for the freshers at the university rugby club. I dread to think what that was all about but no doubt many eye brows were shaved off, a vast quantity of alcohol was consumed and there was much dropping of trousers. There were a great many full moons in East Anglia that night!

I digress.


Anyway, one of my lot, suitably impressed by the beard Sir Tom Jones was sporting, suggested that I grow one.


The Idea


So I thought, “Why not? It’s winter, I’m outside a lot, a beard would keep my face warm. I would look like one of my heroes, the polar explorer, mountaineer and general nutcase, Sir Ranulph Fiennes.”

Liz Scarff_Sir Ranulph Fiennes Everest Challenge

The Plan

So I’ve not shaved for a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, like the rest of the hair on my head, my whiskers get bored with growing so after a few days they stopped growing. However, some got bored more quickly than others, some didn’t like the cold and stopped growing almost immediately while the outdoorsy whiskers just kept right on growing. The result so far looks like the kind of nest a squirrel would build after smoking a spliff! Not a good look. I will persevere and let you know how it gets on.


The Result

Have a great day

More Dick soon


Life begins…..

My dad used to crack me up. When he moved to a little seaside village on the Sussex coast he loved it. The only complaint he had was that the village was “full of old people”. He was 79 at the time!

Now here’s the thing. When I got to the age of 30 older people told me, “not long now. Life begins at 40.” When I got to 40 the same older people said, “not long now. Life begins at 50”. When I got to 50 those same older people told me, “not long now. Life begins at 60.” If I should get to 60 will those same people tell me life begins at 70? At this rate I’ll be dead before my life begins!


I’m 98 years old. I’m a multi millionaire. I’m married to a 26 year old nymphomaniac whose only demand is that the swimming pool is filled with chocolate sauce. I live in a beautiful house. I have my own island, a private jet and helicopter. I feel my life is just beginning. Now if I could just remember who I am and where I live……………

Have a smashing day

More Dick soon.