Monthly Archives: January 2015

Pets

I guess you could say we are a dog family as far as pets go. None of us has any particular dislike of any domesticated animal but we just like dogs. When I first met PIL she had a pet German Shepherd dog named after Fred Flintstones pet dinosaur, Dino. As was so often the case when we first got together we had sacrifices to make and unfortunately PIL had to leave Dino behind.

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Dino

 

After a few years and with children to tow, we decided to get another dog. Getting another German Shepherd was a bit of a no brainer to us and we ended up getting a puppy from a breeder in Kent. Even as a puppy he was huge. We saw both his parents when we got him and they were enormous. Being a long-haired GSD added to his size. The kids named him Dodger after the dog in the Disney movie Oliver & Company thereby continuing a trend of naming our dogs after cartoon characters beginning with the letter D.

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Dodger with Greg

Dodger grew into a magnificent dog with a fantastic temperament, especially around the children. Then when he was 12, we noticed a very sudden change in him. Literally in a matter of days he lost all his energy and was obviously seriously ill. He had cancer and it was everywhere inside him. A family friend who is also a vet ran through the options with us but she said it basically boiled down to having him put down to stop  him suffering. So on the 16th September 2009 I drove him to the vets surgery. The whole way there I was telling him that everything would be fine, that his family would make him better again and he would be back to his old self. I was lying to him the whole way. Once we arrived we were seen almost immediately and the vet gave Dodger a lethal injection and he slowly slipped away. Then she gave me a big hug because I had burst into tears.

Over the years the subject of getting another dog came up from time to time but was never pursued. Then in the summer of 2013, the subject came to the fore. Everyone, except me, wanted a dog again. Greg used the excuse that it was his 16th birthday soon and showed me pictures of dogs on the Battersea Dogs Home website. There was one particular mutt he wanted to see at the Homes satellite branch in Kent. The tribe went to have a look-see without me. They were full of it when they got back and my earholes were bent constantly for days. Eventually I succumbed and off we went. But we went to the main Home in Battersea, south-west London. Oddly enough, the borough I was born in. Battersea Dogs Home has all kinds of dogs. Hundreds of them. They have pedigree dogs, mongrels, dogs with great temperaments, dogs with awful temperaments, dogs whose owner could no longer look after them, abandoned dogs, dogs that had been subjected to appalling cruelty. Each and every one of them was looking for a new home and I wanted to take each and every one of them home with me! Oh bollocks. I’d had been completely and utterly seduced. So, a few days later we drove to the satellite branch in Kent and got the dog Greg was after.

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Dexter with his favourite toy – a stick. Any stick!

 

He and his brother had been abandoned as pups so there was some doubt about him. Battersea thought he was a staffordshire bull terrier/labrador cross with some lurcher thrown in for good measure and they thought he’d been born in February. They’d taken care of all his inoculations, he was in good health, stroppy, a bit aggressive, had abandonment issues and was absolutely perfect so we took him home. Greg named him Dexter. PIL and I were happy with the choice of name. We thought he was named after the character in a cartoon Greg loved when he was little – Dexter’s Laboratory. Smashing!

 

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The other Dexter

 

We were wrong. Greg was 16. Cartoons? Ha! He was far too mature and sophisticated for cartoons. No. This Dexter was named after Dexter the TV serial killer. Good grief but it was too late. Dexter was now Dexter and nothing could change it now.

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Dexters normal position after walkies

 

Dexter is nearly two now. We decided his birthday will be on 1st February each year. He is now a lovely dog with a fantastic personality – absolutely barking mad, affectionate, loves walkies, loves rolling in fox poo at every opportunity, will chase sticks and balls for ever, digs holes, steals clothes from the laundry basket, chases his tail for ages, hates getting wet and the postman. He is lovely and I am so glad we have him at home with us. Dino and Dodger are still in our thoughts  and no doubt at some stage in the future we will have only memories of Dexter but they will be good ones and until then we intend enjoying every moment.

Have a lovely day

 

More Dick soon

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Protocols

I’m new to blogging and I’m amazed to find that other people are following my blog. I thank you all for taking the time to read my stuff. I appreciate it. I follow a number of other blogs such as rachelbeingchatty which now features 15% more sarcasm. It’s certainly sarcastic, very funny, the chatty rachel is prolific, it’s taught me that brevity is good and it just generally cracks me up. I also follow blogbloggerbloggest for entirely different reasons but it too has it’s humerous moments but tends to be more educational. For instance, did you know wasps teleport? Steve Morris, the author of this blog is also a very positive kind of guy. Despite all the mayhem and chaos in the world he was still able to list a whole bunch of reasons to be cheerful and I like that in a person. Then there’s Storytime with John, Nothing Was Said and 2HelpfulGuys plus others that I follow and enjoy. Now here’s the thing. Storytime with John has over 11,000 followers! John tries to follow all those who follow him. Great idea but it must take forever to do that. My question is if someone writing a blog reads yours and decides to follow you, do you therefore have to follow theirs? Am I obligated to return the favour? I don’t know. I don’t have a problem with following other blogs if thats what the done thing is but I’ve got to say that one or two of the blogs that have decided to follow me hold absolutely no interest for me whatsoever. That is not to say they are badly written or have no value. It’s just the subject matter that holds no interest for me. Much as I want to broaden my horizons there is only so much horizon I can take in.

So all you hugely experienced bloggers out there, please let me know what the protocol is. There are enough people out there ticked off with me already. I don’t want any more.

More of the old Dick soon.

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Was it something I said?

The other day I had to leave really early in the morning for an early work start. So being a considerate type of chap I said I would sleep on the sofa to avoid disturbing everyone else. PIL didn’t think this was a particularly good idea as the dog would keep disturbing me but I went ahead and slept on the sofa anyway. The following morning I crept out of the house at 4.30am, which by the way, is an absolutely disgusting time of day. Before starting work I sent a text to PIL saying that I’d arrived ok and then went on to say that “sleeping in the same room as the dog is like sleeping with you. He snores, farts and steals all the duvet!” I didn’t receive a reply. Anyway, I think PIL must have had a bad day because since then she hasn’t spoken to me at all. I don’t know why. I suspect my text is in some way connected but I don’t know how or why. Any suggestions?

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PIL is NOT amused

 

Have a smashing day.

More Dick soon

Dick_Dastardly

 

 

Bill Gates

I recently suggested that our mate Bill is a lesbian. I am still waiting for her lawyers to contact me but in the meantime take a look at these two images. Apart from the hair colour they look remarkably similar. I bet they are never seen in the same room together. Probably changes in a phone box.

Bill-Gates

Bill DeGeneres

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Ellen Gates

Lets just hope that her lawyers don’t track me down. No point in doing that anyway just to sue me. I’m divorced and therefore have no money. So forget it guys.

More Dick soon

Dick_Dastardly

 

 

 

 

What Women Want in a Man

Following on from my last post about women being aliens i thought you might like to read this from rachelbeingchatty.com

Are women aliens?

Of course they are! I intend dishing the dirt on their secret and hoping all along that they haven’t got some death ray thing that they’ll zap me with before I get this published.

This has been a topic of conversation between men for decades and one that me and my mates often talk about down the pub or in the car on the way to work. My mates and I tend to be sensible chaps. Some, like me, are divorced, some are married and others are single. We often disagree about extremely important stuff like football but we all agree that women are very definitely from a different planet. How else can they do the stuff they do? I’m going to be naming names and giving examples and by the end I’m sure you will agree with me. 

First up. Helen Parr. a.k.a Mrs Incredible, a.k.a.Elastigirl. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know she’s a cartoon character but bear with me here. She is based on true life examples. Look at the size of her arse. A UK size 18 I’d guess and I’ll bet those pants of hers are a size 12!

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All woman can do this stuff. For example, officially they are a size 14 but they will never admit to this so all their clothes are at least a size smaller and they get into them by using their alien superpowers, stretching their bodies in such a way that after a little tugging here and there the clothes fit. Every man has witnessed women doing this. The invention of lycra has meant that some women have started to lose this ability to stretch and fit so they tend to bulge a bit (or a lot) but how many times have you seen your wife or girlfriend wriggling around on the bed pulling on a pair of skinny jeans you swear they won’t fit into and ten seconds later, they’re in and looking fantastic? And a lot taller than you remember. If a bloke tries this he immediately looks ridiculous, like a combination muffin and BeeGee, the seat of his trousers split, the fly bursts and buttons whizz off his shirt. I tell you it’s because women are aliens.

Second example.

mary-poppinsMary Poppins. Or, more precisely, her bag. How many times have you thought to yourself (if you’re a bloke), why does a woman need such a big bag? Have you ever looked inside? Of course not. You’re too scared at what you might find. How many times has the woman in your life asked if you’ve seen her keys/phone/glasses/basically everything and you have replied,

“Have you looked in your bag o sweetness?”

And got the response:

“Of course I have you plank”

Plank

How women view men

Minutes later she announces that she has found her keys/phone/glasses/basically everything and where were they? In her bag! Along with all the other stuff she carries around. Look at the stuff Mary Poppins takes out of her bag and that’s only a small percentage of it. I bet there are three-piece suites, dining tables with six dining chairs plus two carvers, a sideboard, a chest of drawers, a four-poster bed (more romantic than a normal bed), a washing machine and a fridge freezer to name but a few extra items in every womans bag. But of course you dare not look. Only women have bags like the Tardis and with all that stuff inside they must also have superhuman strength to be able to lug it around. See what I mean? Aliens.

My third example is:

Miss Price in Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

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Not many people know this but this movie is based on a true life story whereby a witch (Miss Price) saves Great Britain during World War2. To avert disaster for  the Brits against the Nazis, Miss Price had to reveal her supernatural (and alien) powers to overcome the bad guys. It’s been a closely guarded secret ever since. Only careful research and analysis of secrets released from national archives show the truth of the matter. Women are aliens. The British government knows this and has been covering it up for years.

 

My final piece of hard evidence that women  are aliens is PIL. A few years ago, late one night, I sat with my eldest boy Ed and watched Hot Fuzz, the movie with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. PIL decided to go to bed so up she went closing the lounge door behind her. We had the volume turned down low so as not to disturb the others. The movie got to the scene where the two main characters were getting drunk in the pub and Nick Frosts character used an extremely rude word in the scene. I turned to Ed and said very, very quietly,

“Lucky mum wasn’t here to hear that cos she’ll send you up to bed.”

Twelve seconds later the lounge door opened and a voice said,

“Lucky I didn’t hear what?”

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PIL

It was PIL! How on earth had she heard me say that? My voice was so low an owl wouldn’t have heard, there were at least two closed doors between where we were and where she was and yet she still heard. Super human hearing is the only answer. I’m in love with a blinking alien!

Further evidence can be deduced from the fact that according to some,a list of the ten most INFLUENTIAL people will include at least five women:

Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Angela Merkel, Condoleezza Rice and Bill Gates.

Bill Gates?

Look at the photo!
Bill-Gates

Bill is a girl and as she’s married to a girl, she must also be a lesbian. See what I mean, women have got us blokes fooled. Only aliens can do that.

There is only one conclusion that can be drawn from all this. A bunch of blokes sitting around drinking beer talk a load of bollocks!

Happy New Year. Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings

More Dick soonauto

Dick